There and Back, # 9

[Ohio_Mark]

morgan -
Great advice given by all. The only thing I would add is to avoid say, "Is anything wrong?" Let him ask that of you.

Seriously, the mere act of asking that is pursuing. Try (as hard as it may be) to act "as if" everything is OK with him. Be prepared to say, "Gee, I had no idea anything was bothering you. You haven't said a word to me about how you feel regarding..." and fill in the blank.

Let's make them do the heavy lifting from now on. OK?

BTW, although I am from Ohio, I am not a Tribe fan. But I see Wakefield has a no-hitter going into the 5th inning... hmmm

[Ohio_Mark]

oops... first hit for the Indians happened as I hit SUBMIT...

[LooseThread]

Man, here you are, trying to do the right thing (not crowd him and keep your own sanity) and he attacks you. Deep down he misses you and wants you to make it as normal (ie: easier) on him as possible. Unfortunately he is using your detachment to say "Morgan is being a B____". He is so messed up. Don't let it ruin your entire night. As my D5 says now, according to her teacher, you are doing your personal best. Cheesy, I know, but true. Try to recapture some of the night for yourself.

Ooh...lwb....I fear this will happen with my h. My detachment is going to backfire and then I won't know what to do. Just keep on detaching and not biting? Won't that look like I don't give a toss?

[LooseThread]

Morgan,

My stbx does the same exact thing. I think they just want to believe that we are OK with what is happening. They want to believe everything is great and we can still be special friends with them. I know it's crazy, but so are they! They don't want to feel guilty or want to hurt us intentionally.

They will miss that interaction with you but it takes them time to miss it before they realize they had our total attention at one time.

I know exactly what you mean atgo! I think my h expects me to continue to lose the plot (I did lose the plot in counselling the other week when he basically ended our marriage...but I think that's fair enough of a reaction). Upon reflection, the situation is what the situation is and I can either go with it or fight it. Additionally I can use DB type tools to get on with things ie detach (which seems to be confusing him) and not engage to create drama (which has been my baaad habit).

Yes thye do want to believe everything is great and we can still be special friends. my h wants to be intimate friends which is ironic to me becuase I think this is what I have wanted from him all along but now he wants to be 'best friends' that sometimes get intimate enough to make love but he can go out and improve his communication skills by dating other people to learn how to respond appropriately in an intimate setting. sounds f*cked up to me and really quite arse about.

I know he doesn't want to hurt me and I know he feels terribly guilty but I just wish he'd get on with his life and let me discover my new self.

[LL44]

My detachment is going to backfire and then I won't know what to do. Just keep on detaching and not biting? Won't that look like I don't give a toss?

Oh I wish I knew! My H's major complaint is that I am unsupportive, so I worry about detaching as well.

[LooseThread]

Yeah...I know what you mean.

For so long I was "too emotionally invested in his life" and he felt smothered and unable to do things for himself.

Now that I am (trying to) letting him do his own thing and trying so hard not to ask questions (doesn't work very well - how do you make small talk with your husband if every topic has a 'dangerous' aspect?) he doesn't seems to appreciate me leaving him alone. It feels like he wants to come around, get his 'fix' from me and then trundle merrily(?) off to his bachelor life and expect that I would be okay with that. Ag...it's hard to explain to myself, let alone to him or a counsellor. That's the sucky part.

[nephartiti]

((HUGS)) Morgan. Tomorrow will be better.

You H just really doesn't seem to know what the heck he wants.

Believe it or not, you are doing so well.

Take care.

[nephartiti]

I wasn't sure whether I should put more Tori lyrics on, but I can't resist.

"Just a minute of your time
yes I've been known to delude myself
so let me put those rose colored glasses
to the test

now is this real enough for you
'cause blondes here don't jump out of cakes
if that never impressed you much
come board this lunatic express

Just why do they say
have a nice day anyway
we both know they wouldn't mind
if I just curled up and died
let's not give that one a try

Chin up put on a pair of these roseys
raise those blinds
Chin up a happy mask was never
your best disguise
chin up put on a pair of these roseys
in no time you will feel
almost fine
almost rosey

Now some girls here will huddle with
no not footballers that are rich
but will confide in small white sticks
he bats as the Virginian Slim

Yes you can laugh a Femme Fatale
in a bride's dress now married to
the Effortlessness of the cracks
that lie now in between the facts

Now about when Violet died
the cause still unidentified
she thought her love would be enough
but you can't seduce seduction

Her tentacles of endless want
reach through my corridors
and tempt me do taste of her power
I sober with the witching hour

And when I hear of one more bomb
yes, we have all been robbed of song
and nightingales who throw their arms up
when is enough enough? -- (Almost Rosey)

[SallyM]

wow, thanks everyone! seriously, thanks. its nice to talk to people who really get it. the hurt and the anger and the frustration on our part, and the idiocy/insanity on their part.

neph, don't stop posting lyrics, I love them.

I think we all wonder and worry about what is the right thing to do, how to detach and how detaching will affect our relationships. hard to take that leap sometimes, because it really does mean letting go, when all we want to do is clutch at straws.

atgo and mark...freaking indians. grumble grumble. ahhh, well, they have an amazing team this year. and its not over till its over...we've come back from worse.

I ended up going to bed early last night and that was a good thing. I really am tired...emotionally and physically, just needed to sleep.

and now I have something new to deal with. H and I didn't really talk about when he was coming this week. he used to come on wedn, lately has been coming on thurs. today when he called he didn't say much to me. I was pleasant when I answered the phone, he just said pretty much nothing to me other than hi at first. I let the 3 kids talk, s5 was last and said, "see ya friday!" so my heart lept, he wasn't coming till friday! I was happy, I wanted the space. I got on to say goodbye and H asked why S5 said friday. I said, well aren't you going to see them on friday? confused, because I hadn't heard alternate plans for this weekend at all. he said yeah, but I'm coming tomorrow too.

my heart sank. I really don't want to see him tomorrow. but I sucked it up, was pleasant, and said, oh, okay, will see you then.

I wonder if he even remembers its our anniversary?

I thought about asking him to come tonight instead, or to say I have plans with the kids late or something. but I've decided not to. no matter what our differing perspectives on our marriage are, the kids are the good that came our of it, and maybe he just wants to see them/spend time with them on that day.

will plan to head out to the gym or run errands while he is here. will be strong and not bite his head off. will not blubber in front of him, at least will try my damndest not to. will let him talk if he wants to, will not bring it up to him, though.

that sounds good, right?

and I have today off...no H today. heading to the gym, then have a friend dropping her kids off for a bit so she can do a couple of things. think I may see if they want to stay for dinner, her H is out of town, so might be fun.

I feel myself slipping into hibernation mode in a big way, so even doing something like have them stay for dinner is a good thing. part hibernation, but still social.

[Astimegoeson]

Morgan,

Just think of it as another day. Don't put any emphasis on it. Your building up anticipation for yourself and geeking out over it. Don't psych yourself out over it. You might be setting yourself up for a huge let down.

Don't be disappointed if he doesn't acknowledge the day. I'd hate to see you cause more pain for yourself.