Down and out...need hope.

[Rob1231]

I sort of think its that notion where you can either fight for what you think is right or fight for your marriage. If I fight for what I think is right and stay in my house, it's going to be a big fight, she's going to move out, buy a place, and try and dominate the kids, and it will be a battle from there on out I think.

Whoa, Tostada, let's back up the truck a bit here! You're making LOTS and LOTS of assumptions about how situation A will go vs. how situation B will go - and most of those assumptions seem to me to be based on you having a "victim" perspective on this. I believe that you have a responsibility to yourself, to your kids, and yes even to her, to stand up for what's right.

You can't control what your MLC wife does during this situation, but you MUST take control of your own actions. Don't calmly hand the reigns of your life over to a person suffering from temporary insanity and trust them to make everything come out OK!

If I agree to leaving, it will be much more pleasant between us...

Yes, well, sure it will. That's the way she is going to set things up, so that if you pleasantly, submissively go along with her MLC Master Plan, that will be the past of least resistance. But is agreeing to be an active, willing participant in the dismantling of your marriage really the best way to save it? I don't think so!

... and I think it's more likely we survive.

If survive means "not have W get upset with you in the short term", OK. If survive means "eventually save your marriage", I really doubt it.

Something you've got to remember - your W is presenting all of her MLC Master Plan to you as absolute certainty: Our marriage is over. I could never love you again. We never should have gotten married in the first place. It's better for both of us if we split up ASAP. The kids will be fine. I know what I need to be happy. My unhappiness is your fault. Etc., etc., etc. We've all heard the same spew, said with the same resolute conviction. You know what? Deep down, THEY don't even believe it. But they say it with conviction in hopes of convincing themselves - and because they believe that if WE see any sign of uncertainty or weakness, we will leap on it and use it as an excuse to not fall into line.

There wouldnt be a financial 'penalty' to either of us for leaving as we both work and make good livings. In the end, if we do D, I dont think either of us could support this house anyways, it would have to be sold and split up. Though my plan right now is to be as pleasant as possible, give her as much space as possible, and hopefully stay here as long as possible.

No doubt about it, a D would have really rough repercussions on everyone in your family, financially and otherwise. But that doesn't mean that YOU have to be the one to leap upon your sword to lessen them. Whose idea is this anyways? Not yours! Let her face up to, and maybe even live with, the consequences of her actions.

If you go along, I predict that her response is NOT going to be one of gratitude and acknowledgment of your sacrifice. MLCers don't work that way. They are selfish and self-centered to the core - every concession you give will be taken for granted, and she will just keep coming back for more.