Strangely similar places ( spooky ). I guess there must be some sort of natural rythem to this and we are just in sync.
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I think that's the whole idea, as long as she hasn't made the decision to reinvest, the occassional mistakes are useful as a buffer against having to make any decisions regarding that.
I agree , its like finding excuses for why they are doing stuff that thier concience may not be with them on.
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You handled that very well with the response to the letter, "I'm sorry & I understand", perfect for taking the air out of the exchange.
That was straight out of DB'ing 101 , appologise and validate. The old me would have defended my position and tried to explain to W why she was wrong. I figured it was frustration and anger that she was feeling and that the words she wrote were an expression of that feeling. If we have any hope to be together in the future I need to make it safe for her to express those feelings and frustrations. So in a way this ended up a success.
Oh and anger is a warm emotion ( I think Donna told me that )
The worst thing would have been if she had been indifferent to my comment.
Now the update
I got home today and W was there waiting to pick up D . We had a cup of coffee together and W told me about some frustrations she was having at work , I teased her about something and it was OK. She came up to me and gave me a kiss when she left so I guess we both got through relatively unscathed. In the past things like this would have escalated into a reinactment of world war 2 .
This is one area where I have learnt a lot , without being sexist a woman seems to argue or get upset about how she feels , regardless of the logic. It doesnt matter if the Man has logic and reason on his side , if his actions have made her feel bad ( or something external) then its not about right or wrong its just about feelings.
So if I make my wife feel bad even if I am right I still need to acknowledge how she feels and deal with the fact (and take responsibility for the fact ) I made her feel bad not argue "a case".
So if I make my wife feel bad even if I am right I still need to acknowledge how she feels and deal with the fact (and take responsibility for the fact ) I made her feel bad not argue "a case".
Yup!
What I want to know is why they don't give us dense men a class on this, and other things of the like, before we get married? Heck, women should demand it, and a passing grade on the exam, before they get married!!
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Umm yeah, every husband needs to know that!!! Wow. I wish every husband could see how many arguments would have been avoided. Great news about the kiss BTW!!!
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Interesting day down under. I get home and W's car in the drive. I go in and shes got dinner organised for us . I get a coffee and sit down , she sits with me and we have a pleasant conversation during which she asks if its OK for her to go to her sisters over the weekend. ( remembering this is the issue that was the cause of a wee backslide the other day ) . I said of course and we carried on talking about other things. I realy have got to the stage where I dont care what she does , all I need to know is when D will be staying at her place. Fact is I dont trust her and although I sometimes enjoy her company I have strangely no desire to know what she is up to.
Hi C_K Thanks for the input. I read your posts and it does seem there is a common theme. Tattoos, secret texts (and cell calls for me),W has given up hope and feels the guilt, younger friends,guilt over A and me forgiving her,get rid of the pain (ME).....its scary!
How did you exactly detach and get to where you are now?
I thinks its great how youve grown so much...gives me hope! Im to the point that I can go either way. Fix or move on.
You set a great example...thanks. Keep the wisdom flowing!!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1230087 Me 35 w 42 4 sk 12-21 our s10 m10 t14 '02 ILUBNILWY 12/24/05 pa 02/07 pa separated 1/07-3/07 asked 4 D 3/07
Bill you did well to get through my story. Like everyone lots of ups and downs.
W went away for a couple of days out of town and there was no contact . it was great.
I did stuff i enjoyed and did not have to worry about W turning up , I realy came to the realisation that I am quite happy by myself and comfortable to go forward in life without W if thats what it takes. Sure it wont be easy financialy but thats just another challenge.
So W arives home tired from her trip and I am busy with fixing something so look up and say hi and go back to what I was doing ( tangled in wiring ) . After I had finished I joined her for a coffee and some small talk . Shes keen to head back to her place. A bit later I get dinner on and sit with a beer she says you didnt offer me one so I offer and she accepts . Ends up staying for Dinner , I clean up and then head off for a walk and when back did some other work while she is indoors watching TV. After a while she leaves , finding me and saying goodby in the process.
She seemed a bit uneasy and perhaps has spotted my shift in the way I feel because now she is being super nice , wanting to help out with stuff ...mmmm
I think I will stay backed off where I am happy for now and observe.
Dave, I have been getting the same thing. I have completely given up and have not asked W to do anything with me for a long while. Now that she sees me getting a life, she keeps trying to be a part of it. She even asked me to go with her to a couples event. No big deal, but still a big shift.
I think this has more to do with the whole MLC than really wanting to be back with me. She definitely has not shown any sign of being attracted to me. Maybe some similarities to your sitch??
Anyway, it doesn't matter much...just stick to your path with heart and she will either follow or not!
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
( remembering this is the issue that was the cause of a wee backslide the other day ) . I said of course and we carried on talking about other things. I realy have got to the stage where I dont care what she does , all I need to know is when D will be staying at her place. Fact is I dont trust her and although I sometimes enjoy her company I have strangely no desire to know what she is up to.
Such a great place to get to, one that I'm fortunate to have gotten to myself in the last few days. It does make interactions much more relaxing & prevents future backslides, as most of them revolve around what they might be up to, huh!
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She seemed a bit uneasy and perhaps has spotted my shift in the way I feel because now she is being super nice
Bizarro world again, just exchange your W for my H and we're right on track.
I plan on staying backed off also & enjoy the shift. Interesting to observe, isn't it?
