Okay, H and I had our talk. It was pretty mellow, just looking at how much money comes in and how much goes out for what, and what that'll mean for our exciting new two-household family.
I simply gave him the numbers and let him draw his own conclusions. When he realized two homes means no remodel, he said he was disappointed to see that his casual, "Hey, let's go ahead with the remodel" didn't seem viable, asked what I thought. I said I was also disappointed, but that I hadn't expected that we'd be able to swing it, so it was okay.
We talked a bit about mediation, and I said I'd read the book I got about it and report back. He said he'd already talked to the tax guy (news to me), who essentially told him it's a good idea to stay legally married as long as possible. I said, "My understanding is that we'll both be better off financially while we're married on paper." He agreed, said right now he's only interested in talking budget for the next six months or so, nothing long term, though he's "not going to forget about it."
Talked about where to take the money from to pay for his initial outlay for the stuff he'll need. Agreed to talk to the financial guy (whom I emailed later).
When he brought up talking to the kids, I said I thought it would be a good idea if we met with the kid C before we told them, and he agreed and said he's interested in telling them sooner rather than later. Says with the kids' attention span he doesn't envision a big talk, but expects "fallout two or three days later." Yeah, thanks, that'll be me.
It's his first admission, though, that there might even be fallout.
He asked me if when it's my night I'd sometimes just like to stay home (which I would) and have him out of the way. I told him I do want to hang out at home sometimes, but having him there doesn't bother me (which it doesn't). He asked whether after he leaves I'd like him to come over every evening (instead of two days a week, which is how often he takes care of the kids in the evening now) to hang out with the kids. I told him I'd think about it.
So we got through utterly without emotion (we'd had friendly conversation beforehand about his work, some crazy extended-family stuff, etc)---not unfriendly, but very practical.
When we were done he said, "One more thing that I'm curious to hear what you think about. A couple months ago you said you'd like me not to spend time with the kids and OM. And I haven't. How would you feel about that now?"
That threw me for a loop. I thought for a split second and said, "I'd prefer that you don't, but I don't have any expectation that you won't. And that's okay."
What do you think?
I realized his "keeping it out of the house," whatever "it" is at the moment, allowed me to put it in the back of my mind. It surprised me a bit that I only experienced a nanosecond of stomach knot, during which I thought, really? You're still there (with her)? Generally a positive sign, I thought.
Before he went to bed, he thanked me for running the numbers and apologized for being grumpy lately. I said, "Why are you?" He said this is all hard for him, it's not like he's just made a decision and now is happy happy. Said work's a drag right now, he's wondering whether he should just take a leave of absence. The two stresses together are almost too much. I said, "Is there anything I can do for you?" He smiled sadly and said, "No. Thanks."
End scene. Thoughts? Other than the fact that it's 1.30 in the morning and I'm still wide awake?
