OK jmw, I'll be as brief as poss. Our sitch's are different in the way that my xh as I call him can't divorce me as we weren't wed, but we co-habited for 14 years as if we were, we have a son together and xh doesn't for some unknown reason have any contact with son whatsoever now, none for 6 months or so. When he left he said that we could stay in the home as it was for as long as we wanted and that in the end it would be son's anyway, well he as rushed into a marriage with a very well known skank of a whore, she's on the third or fourth marriage and everyone says she as moulded my ex in exact the same way as her others, ie money sliding through fingers at a rapid pace, him not being able to see or contact his offspring, out all the time making people believe they are mega rich, he doesn't and hasn't paid a penny to his son in 2 years, also ex had just inherited a lot of money from the sale of his dad's house and redundancy money. So now at this point he as decided he wants us out of his house, because unfortunately I was the biggest idiot going and didn't put my name on the mortgage, it isn't that easy to find a place where we live and the local authorities are very slow when it comes to handing the properties out, it isn't a case of you apply one week and you get a house the next, we obviously can't afford to private rent or buy, because the butthead went off with all the money and doesn't give us any. He as threatened to get us out before, sending solicitors letters etc, then it all went quiet and he said we could stay again, this time it as gone further and he as headed down the courts way, never ever have I been in trouble with the police or been in a courtroom.
posted above as I know it was getting long and I didn't want to lose it. So it got to the poing where because son doesn't want to play happy families with him and his new wife, ex has decided that he wants to sell this place as he can't afford to pay the mortgage, well that is hard lines, he shouldn't have taken a large slice of cake if he can't eat it, ex also supposedly has his own business and I have been contacted by the child support people to say that they would like me to pursue him as they believe he is diverting money so he doesn't have to pay me, any how it got to the point of us actually going to court, first off he said I owed him loads of money for rent, but on the day changed this to the fact that I was trespassing, I arrived for court all done up like a dogs dinner, as if ex had been ex he would have turned up in his suit, no he turned up dead scruffy, he sat in the waiting area behind a post so that when I came in I couldn't see him, his body language was brilliant, and this is something that you too should take note of, he sat bent over so that he was looking at the floor and so he didn't have to acknowledge me, I just glanced and noticed he was there and carried on my way with my head held high, laughing and joking with my solicitor and my friend who had come along for support, whilst I was waiting in the hallway ready to go in the courtroom, ex came in with his solicitor he was walking behind, he was walking with his head dead fixed on looking straight ahead and avoiding looking at me, but he managed to sit in front of me but with his back turned, in the courtroom he was very very nervy and my friend and barrister both picked up on this, the judge was a woman, and he won't have liked that, when his solicitor read his case the judge instantly rejected that I was trespassing and moved swiftly to her what my solicitor had to say, we were granted time to put in our claim under the childrens act and it is on Monday that I again have to go to court for this hearing, I was very surprised when his new wife wasn't with him as they are joined at the hip. I couldn't and still cannot believe it as got to the point of me and ex in a courtroom thrashing our lives out in front of complete strangers. My barrister as said since the hearing that he wasn't pleased how it had gone, I suppose he thought they would listen to his case and throw me and his son out and that would be the end of us I also believe that he wouldn't have thought I would turn up at the court. since then my solicitor has said that he is backing down and would now like to offer me a percentage of the selling price and to settle out of court as there is no need for all the expensive court costs, but hello it was him that wanted to go to court, from what I saw I know he felt really un-nerved in the courtroom and I handled it well, you see I haven't and never did anything wrong, this man as caused it all himself, he must have felt as guilty as hell, before all this if he saw me he would make a beline for me to have a chat, it must have been hard for him not to talk to me and ask about son, but that is his doing and not my problem. He is now claiming that he needs to sell as he as run out of money so it as taken him just two years to get shut of all his inheritance and family, everyone says they can see him heading for the gutter, but all I can say to you is watch the body language, hold your head high, think of the good times you had together, think nice things and that keeps a smile on your face, don't by any way or form let him see you are nervous or anything, definately don't cry for him, think you havent' brought it to this but he as, all I could think is that man as been able to talk to me for the last 15 years and now he wants to settle through the courts, why can't he face me and discuss things and settle out of court amicably like normal people do, he could still speak to me 4 weeks before going down this path that is when he wanted to take son away on a break, and then wam bam he can't talk to my face anymore, the thing is also that he is making a complete idiot of himself and getting himself deeper in the cart by all the lies he is telling, this is a guy that couldn't lie to save himself, now all what he as told the courts and solicitors and child support people is all lies, he is ever lying about how much wage he gets each week, just so he doesn't have to pay son anything. Sorry about being so long winded, I only hope it helps you in some way to know someone is going through what you are, I will be interested in your comments about his body language etc, keep your chin up and I wish you well.
H can't hide his body language, so I will be watching closely. He is not very well practiced at it, by this I mean when we have attended official meetings together in the past he has come across as quite a dork, legs crossed hands behind his head, swinging back on his chair in front of the bank manageretc, see what i mean by not well practiced, in the past I have been able to read his body language well, other people have too, he's been told about it at work too, but never agreed " I may not be perfect but..."
Could you let me know what happens when you first get to court, I really don't know what to expect, I'm the kind of person that can face anything if I have a little insight first.
Has your ex made excuses why he doesn't contact your son ? H has blamed the lads,me, work, busy life, even said his lawyer suggested he didn't visit them. He has blantantly lied and told the lads he has tried over & over to speak to them but he couldn't get in touch, we haven't moved, changed phones or anything, so excuse me H, how hard have you tried.
Hi jmw, no the ex has made no excuse why he hasn't contacted son, he didn't speak to him for 3 months last year as they had a little fight, yes son was only 12 and his dad had him a fight, he called at xmas to see him and we had all the tear job with ex saying he was really glad he had son back and all that, then he took him on a break end march as he said he could sense son was frustrated by something, hello! could it be his dad, they went away and son says it was all for getting him to see her, his dad had said he wanted to see more of him but he had to see her, son won't see her and has no intentions of, ex looks on it as I have poisoned his son, hello again! could he have done it, so he took him to his training one night just after they had got back and he left him there and hasn't been in contact since, apart from a birthday card that says "love you and miss you", well why doesnt' he do something about it then. When I arrived at court I went through the scanning area that you mentioned, yes it was like going through the security at the airport, then my solicitor looked at the boards to see which courtroom we were in, then we sat outside the courtroom, my solicitor, barrister, trainee solicitor and trainee barrister all sat chatting, must have looked good that I had four representing me but he won't have known what they all were, then his solicitor arrived and went outside looking for him as he was still in the reception area, they both came into the waiting lounge area, then the door opened by one of the court ushers and we were asked to go in, we all sat at one long table, them on one end and us on the other, when the judge was coming in, we all had to stand, and then the judge asked them to commence and his solicitor stood up and said what boat load of lies he had to say and then it was our turn, I think it only lasted about 10 mins, but during those minutes I just thought how sad it was that the man I loved all those years, the father of my child, and I, had to be in a courtroom to sort out the mess he's made and the fact that he couldn't look at me or talk to me to sort things out like adults do, suppose he can't do that because of the guilt, or because he thought he would win hands down, my solicitor rang yesterday to say he really doesn't want to go back to court on monday and if she can get them to agree our terms it will be pulled out for now, he wanted to go to court you know he started the ball rolling and now he doesnt' want to play at those games, also heard he isn't working again. hope that helps you , when do you go to court, let me know, and don't forget to hold your head high, you've done nothing wrong and you aren't going to be served a jail sentence, how long is it since your ex spoke to your kids, it kills me to think how they can just cut contact like they have and still look in the mirror, take care and hugs.
thank you for helping me out, it gives me a little insight.
H last spoke with both sons just after Christmas, he has e-mailed twice since but both times the e-mails have focused on how they have upset him, he has said he loves them and misses them, but that's it. They have replied to each e-mail but he hasn't responded to anything they have said.
I can't even guess as to what is going on, I just don't know. My friends are astonished that I am not ringing him and asking him or his work or his family. I just know that if he really wanted to be in their lives that he would be. I have tried to keep him informed of how they were doing but he didn't respond so I gave that up, I have been silent for 6 months now, i haven't had contact with H, his family or any mutual friends, if H is recieving information about the lads he is really having to dig because he isn't getting it from anyone I know.
Both sons just reached a place where they are getting on with their lives. They feel detached enough and safe from the stress the seperation first caused.
This week the eldest recieved a call from MIL, telling him that his dad misses him, loves him but is afraid to call him in case he son doesn't answer. WTF...
Who is this about.. How can MIL go along with this, my parents would be dragging me to son, even at my age. I feel it is an excuse, he doesn't want to hear anything negative so he put the emphaisis on son's attitude being the obstacle.
This is so not fair on the lads, each time they stand up H knocks them down again, the good thing now is that they truly understand that this has nothing to do with them or me, so they pick themselves up quicker these days.
I don't think MIL realises that she is adding fuel to the fire, and actually prolonging the troubles.
H is dragging his feet, he has been anxious to get the divorce over and done with, but has now missed dates that he should have submitted the financial file to court.
It seems I have to follow the rules at every stage but that he can please himself.
The convo H had with our son indicates that nothing has changed, there's no remorse in his voice, no acknowledgement that he has caused any of this, seems to still be angry with me,
I need this divorce much more than H, he needs a financial settlement, I need peace and stability.
I'm aware that the divorce isn't going to solve problems, but at least I will be able to sleep better knowing where I stand.
I'm pleased my son is prepared to offer his dad another opportunity to try to rebuild their relationship, I am anxious that H will go off again, and leave it months again before he contacts son. the youngest son has emotionally joined the self preservation society, he is refusing to contact his dad, I understand fully.
throughout all this the OW didn't bother me, I didn't need to know when, how and whatever. As far as I was concerned it would of been someone, she was just a pawn in his game.
for the past 2 years I haven't known where H lived or who with, it didn't really concern me, other than I feel it is so wrong that our sons don't know where their father lives, that is wrong.
I suppose one of the reasons I've got through this so level headed was down to the fact that I was able to just get on with my life without searching for info about H's new life.
But.... I have suddenly found that I want answers, it's like a panic, I want to know where, why and when. I feel anxious all the time, I feel like i'm backsliding to the beginning. Is this to do with the divorce looming and getting very near, I feel I want to shout out - what are you doing !!!
I love him, miss him, but realise he is not available, I guess this is how the OW must feel when their lover can't get away from his family or leaves them, this must be why she took such a desperate step as to sending me a letter informing me of their affair, she must have done this through desperation, in the hopes that the marriage will fail and her lover would become available for her and her kids. it was a good plan, it worked, H moved out and they were a couple, it lasted another 6 months, I have no other info about his life. But suddenly I have this desperate need for answers, I wish I was in a position to ask but there is no one I can trust enough.
I wish I could talk to the MIL, but that not possible she can't look me in the eye. Mutual friends are now his friends, family, well there isn't any, so i'm left high and dry, with loads of questions.
jmw, I am with you in all of this, I went and viewed a house yesterday and although it is not in the area we live in it isn't far away, although we are excited at getting our new place I still have in the back of my mind, why as all this happened to us, why as this man done this to the two people that loved him the most, why doesn't he contact his son, well jmw I can tell you this I know for a fact that xh is going to have to face this one day, he is going to have to face what he as done to me but more important what he as done to son, he as abandoned him and I have to say he was never like that, and he used to speak ill of anyone that was like that. I too find that since rushing to get me into court the first time that little pan as gone of the boil now and he doesn't want to go back to court, son and I have a new place, we will be moving in before xmas but I can tell you this, I have no intention of telling xh that we have moved out or where we have moved to, let him feel a gut wrenching when he goes by and sees we've gone and he doesn't know where. keep your chin up jmw they will see the light one day and they won't enjoy what they see, because all the destruction is what they have created
H is now progressing with his contact with the S18, who is quite receptive to H's move.
Different story with youngest S16, H did contact him but has withdrawn again, mainly due to S being harsh with his words, truthful and harsh. S18 is pretty shallow at times, he wants the contact, he wants the gifts so he is pleasant to H. S16 is of the opinion he doesn't need H's attention or money. H & MIL still don't mention me, as if I do not exist. This will be our 3rd estranged christmas, but the first without entertaining the in laws, I just think why the hell should I.
Every year I have made them welcome, I have put on a huge dinner, quality presents only to be blanked. This year I am not even sending cards. This decision does not come from bitterness it comes from realisation, that I have always been the one who made the effort. That I have put my back out year after year and it has not been appreciated. Maybe I'm heading for my own little MLC, I think not, I think it's more like I have taken off those rose tinted spectacles.
When I first met MIL she didn't like me, I worked hard to fit in, Why did I do that ? because I loved H and did it to prevent rifts, I learnt to tolerate the digs she made, she mellowed. I have spent years listening to her moaning ways, her ailments and her complaints about society, and how badly treated she is. she is one of the people that are only happy if they have something to moan about.
So I now think well, I supported you, I listened to you and you treat me like some kind of untouchable when your son has had 2 x affairs, hurt your gandkids and has put us in debt.
Yes the Rose tinted specs are off, I'm seeing people for who they are, H is in MLC, he doesn't get it, his outlook remains fogged. MIL and the rest of the family are just plain nasty.
Has anyone any knowledge on a person having an early MLC, around the age 34, followed by a full MLC some ten years later ?????? I lived through a shorter version of this 10 yrs ago, I wonder whether he is a true MLC or whether he simply did just want out. It doesn't really make much difference, we are just weeks off the divorce, it's nearly all over.
