VS - Read Divorce Remedy about affairs and how long they last (usually about six months). Other outstanding books are Private Lies by Frank Pittman and Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. Read as much as you can and read the postings in this Forum. It really helps to know that so many good people are going through the same thing you are.
Almost all of the authors have found that although some affairs end up causing divorce and then even marriage to the OP (and then another divorce), most fall apart when reality finally sets in. Until that time, you will have little chance of getting through to your H. People involved in the euphoric stage of an affair become like psychopaths and drug addicts. They lose their consciences because of their constant need to get another hit of the OP, whom they are sure is their true soulmate. They also become champions at rationalization and denial. As a result they are able to shove all their guilt, sense of loss, and love for their mate behind a locked door. Only occasionally does that door pop open and all of a sudden they soften and show caring for their LBS. They are able to quickly shove the door closed again, however, in order to get another drug hit. (I wrote a little parable about the Course of an Affair on my thread below). When my W started her A and we separated, it was if I ceased to exist except as someone to take care of our kids while she was with the OM. She is basically oblivious to all the hurt she has caused in the pursuit of what she believes will be her eternal happiness.
Anyway the upshot is that affairs are almost always time-limited. The best thing that you can do is work on yourself and let your H spend as much time as possible with the OW (which I know is very painful). That will erode the fantasy bubble of their A more quickly while giving yourself a chance to grow.
In the meantime, know you're with friends here.
Hugs to you {{{VS}}}!
Larry
M 63 W 40 M 4/91 S14/D9 bomb 7/6/07 D filed 8/3/07 final 2/4/08 thread
