Where do I go fromhere?

[smichael]

I started a post awhile back, but due to time constraints and availability of a computer (i.e. kids) I was unable to fully journalize my journey during the past five plus months. Here’s my new attempt:

May 2007
-Come home from work around 6:00PM dinner is cooked on the stove and the W is in bed curled up in the fetal position sleeping. I asked how she is and she says she’s tired.
-Asked her again later that night what’s wrong and she says “nothing”.
-She seems ok for the next couple of weeks are so until the day after Mother’s Day when she repeats a similar scenario: curled up in bed in the middle of day. This time after asking what’s wrong I get upset at her non-responsiveness and storm off refusing to talk to her for the rest of the day.
-Next day, in the evening, I ask if we can talk. After prodding I finally asked if she still loves me. She responds, with difficulty, with the classic “ILYBINILWY”, which I’ve come to learn is a pretty standard line from MLCers/WAWs.
-I proceed to beg, cry, plead etc. She tells me its too late to work things out and doesn’t think things can be worked out.
-She insists that we tell the kids (S-17, S-13) the situation. Hardest thing I’ve ever done. They are incredible and have been that way through everything. We emphasized that “mommy is considering not staying with me”
-W talks to her parents about possible separation/divorce.
-I see a therapist… but of not much help.
-Tell W she has a deadline of 7/31/07 to make up her mind or I will file. She responds that I’m “kicking her to the curb”.

June 2007
-W starts to go out on the weekends for short periods of time and is often not home when I get home from work (“running errands”)
-Spending a lot of time at Borders.
-Share stories she supposedly overhears of employees/college kids going-ons. Takes great delight in their antics.
-Family unit is still very much intact as far as doing things together.
-W starts to buy more clothes and becomes even more concerns with aging.

July 2007
-Have relationship talks with the W about what she wants to do. Tell her she’s sending mix signals about us and that I’m confused. Admits being confused and apologizes for everything.
-Talk about a separation and set a date. Due to financial situation, separation would only be short term. Speak to W on phone and tell to let me know if we’re still going to try the separation. She says she’ll let me know. She says nothing and I never leave.
-Start DBing. No relationship talk, independent, work on myself etc. The website has been a real godsend.
-Renewed my faith in god and asked for his help.
-Things seem to better; less tense. Consciously or subconsciously we start to do more things together.

Aug/Sept 2007
-W continues her brief “errands” and trips to Borders.
-W shares that one employee/college kid she met is leaving. Seems depressed about his departure.
-Find out she exchanged email and maybe cell phone info with him. She emails him but he has yet to contact her. Possible EA from what I can tell. Email she sent was pretty innocuous.
-W has not been back to Borders since.
-W is looking for a job (first job since starting a family) and thinking about going back to school to finish her degree.
-Relationship is going okay. Friendship is there but nothing else at this point. She still relies heavily on me for advice on things. Calls me at work multiple times each day.
-Trying to develop/maintain PMA. This is the hardest part for me.

I’m aware I can’t control her and that the MLC must run its course. I guess my rhetorical question dancing in my head is should I fear her wanting a job and going back to school? Is this a way for her to sow her oats or possibly just a way just to fill her free time? Free time is definitely an issue as the kids are more independent and she needs things to keep her busy. What if the current state is the best it can ever be between us? Going against DB rules should I bring on discussion of the relationship? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.