One thing this weekend with W helped me see is that I want to feel the belonging of a good relationship. I want to feel like I am owned by a beautiful, exciting woman and I want to feel like I own her. Not ownership in a bad way, ownership where we know each others needs and work to meet them. That's not detaching and maybe it's anti-DB but it's how I feel.
I grew up in a tough house but the one thing we always had was unconditional love, at least from Dad. No matter what, he took up for us. I didn't realize that's not universal until many years later but I can't help thinking that's the way it should be. W didn't and doesn't have that with her family and I wonder if that isn't the source of some issues for us. It seems for her I have to "be good" in order to earn her love and respect whereas I feel like I should be a given if you really love someone. I want that unconditional love, that respect. Sometimes she tells me things under the guise of being totally honest with me and I can't help but think why would you say that? That's not loving, that's not respectful, that's not protective of us.
I feel like I'm slipping backwards in some respects and I don't know what to do about it. There have been so many positive changes in her and I don't want to lose them. On the other hand, I ache for the security of healthy love and it's just not forthcoming right now. I don't know how much longer I can hold on waiting for her to commit, taking the comments that hurt without even a little complaint.
Maybe this is a mid-DB crisis. Maybe it's normal to get to the middle and think I've put in all this work and I feel used up and I don't know how much more I can give. I don't know. But it's how I feel and where I'm at. I love being with her, I just don't know how much longer I can hold on to this course, speaking in her love language without getting my love tank filled. Does that even make sense?
