Plank removed from my eye, too late for WAW? 7

[Heimlich]

Thanks, Puddle, but, really, I've let the A go. Yes, it hurts. I'll never understand how she "pulled the trigger." However, I understand how she got to that point. I know that I sound contradictory in some of my posts, but it's over. I'd be lying if I said I don't think about it ever, but I rarely thought about it for months. It was only finding that she had been calling him that brought it all back -- yet the forgiveness was still there. Can't one be angry at another betrayal, understand why it happened, and forgive the original transgression at the same time?

Believe me, this is not something that's affecting my behavior towards my W (ex?). Today. The last two weeks, yes. It knocked me sideways for a bit.

I don't go throughout my day thinking "My W dicked me over." (anymore ) I've a quick temper, at times, when she touched on "I felt violated at you going to the house" all of that stuff just boiled to the surface. I don't carry it with me daily though.

If I feel anything towards my wife it's frustration and disappointment. I thought that she was better than this.

I mentioned her seeing him a lot over the summer to try to force a decision in my own mind. If she was seeing him, I'm done. She's been steadfast in denying any R with him. Whatever. I also realized that it didn't matter. If she decided to come back, I'd be willing. How long that willingness is going to last . . . . anyone's guess at this point. I know that some day I'm going to wake up and, other than a vague feeling of fondness, any desire for love and intimacy from her is going to be dead.

Thanks, Puddle. The only thing I blame my W for right now is seeing me becoming a better person and still not being interested in trying. And, really, and I've typed this before, I didn't give her a reason for a while to think that I could or would change, so I don't even really blame her. More blame myself.

I'm getting to OK again though. Lots of thinking still to do, but I'm better than I've been in a long time.

I want to give you a big hug and then a bang on the ear.

I could use both.
BD