Plank removed from my eye, too late for WAW? 7

[Heimlich]

I don't get it -- okay, I get it! Wait, what did I just do? Can you show me how to do it again? Oh, okay! Got it! Wait -- that's not right... could you explain this to me again, please? Oh yeah, now I know... argh, nevermind. Show me again? Okay... nope, that didn't work. I thought I did what you told me to do. I'm getting it -- really I am. Could you just help me again on this part? Then I'll be good to go...

that's all encapsulated in the "I don't get it" statement

OT,
Not trying to minimize the damage of what I did. There are very, very few things I would sincerely wish to go back in time and correct -- that would be top of list. Hard to describe how hurting someone you love like that made me feel. Makes me feel. And I have tried to forgive myself for it. I feel like I did just snap in a way I don't think I ever would again -- unless someone I loved were in danger, I think something similar would happen.

Interesting in comparing violations though. Lying about your feelings, telling the man you know loves you that you've been [censored] another man in your bed, that he's your soulmate, that you're not good enough -- those leave some pretty gaping wounds as well. Are they even, probably not. My stepdad, while never physically abusive, was a large, imposing man. And a first rate a-hole. I know what it's like to feel helpless and powerless. I hate having done that to my W. Note, I don't hate myself. What's that phrase, hate the sin, love the sinner?

Looking into counceling for a few things. This is something I've thought of bringing up as well.

You posted while I was posting:
I feel ok with where I am vis a vis that night and trying to make the R work from Oct through April. I'm at peace with myself for the first time in a few years. I wish I had known more, but my W was resistant to books, so I set them aside and thought we could do this on our own. Should have pushed forward with what I sensed would work best for us.

I think I'll always feel shame for that. Am I self-sabotauging? Don't think so. Think the answer is simpler -- I allow my emotions to go into knee-jerk reaction mode.

I'll try the apology book and throw it on the ol' pile o' relationship books to plow through.

Best,

BD