Nothing major to report. Met someone for drinks last night. Enjoyable conversation. That was nice. Kind of fun. I'd call it a pseudo-date.
W was quickly in and out yesterday to pick up the girls. Expected after she invited me to dinner on Sunday. No sweat from me. Starting to feel detachment decending upon me. A few weeks ago, her brisk attitude would have bothered me. Yesterday, eh, not so much.
Dance class tonight followed by either some reading or the Sopranos (I'm recently addicted to the show). Need to assemble items for my Heat Miser costume (and practice his dance moves for the party).
Maybe OT zapped me with her detachment ray gun when I wasn't looking.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
Glad to see you still dancing, bro! I'm on a second dance performance team now for Lindy Hop and I start tonight. For my other team we're learning a Cha-Cha routine. Easier than Samba, but still latin-based and I have some learning to do yet. Fun stuff though!
Whose Heat Miser? My buddy and I were going to dress up as Jimmy McElroy and Chaz Micheal Micheals from Blades of Glory, but the costumers we found were really cheesy (plus we couldn't agree on who could be Chaz! lol). He also wanted to be Glen Quagmire from Family Guy, but they haven't made a mask for him yet (giggity giggity!), and then he was going to be Jim Dangle from Reno 911, but all of those costumes online are sold out.
Doing good -- keep yourself in check and remember to enjoy your picnic!
I started to write you on your other thread, lost the post, then it locked.
In a nutshell, I was really dumbfounded by your interactions with W. Some really pretty unattractive stuff going on. Enough said.
It might be helpful to read the Five Languages of Apology. Your "apology" to W for the assault (what was it anyway?), amounted to a lot of defensive, invalidating statements that made her pain all about you.
Read my first post, not something I care to revisit. And, no, I've apologized and apologized to her for my action on a number of occassions. I understand the concept of apology and wasn't trying to apologize again, but was dumbfounded that she's holding me snapping for 4 minutes against 16 years. I'm sorry, but that's BS. I've never given her cause before or since to be afraid of me or afraid of telling me anything. I sincerely apologized from a heart a number of times for my role in where we are.
She has internalized this and will not talk to me about any pain she felt in the R. I don't know if she ever will. I feel that for us to have any chance she needs to open up. In the context of DB and not pushing, I don't know how to get that to happen.
And unattractive interactions? How so?
Regarding dating, as you and others have pointed out, I have no R with my W and it's actually starting to feel stupid to call her my W. She's not. She is my ex. Technically, yeah, we're married. Regarding dating. I'm not going out of my way to either seek it or avoid it. One sort of date to see what it would feel like doesn't invalidate, in my opinion, the possibility of reconciliation. As of now, I don't see it happening. If going out on a date or two helps me to detach and move on with my life, off I go.
Didn't need the dig about W's probably OM. I believe I've explained on a number of occassions that in some ways I don't feel like this time around it's an A, just that it sucks because of who this person is.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
I'm glad to hear you sounding so good! I didn't know what to say after reading about your last interaction with W. The only thing I thought was, hey, maybe he doesn't really want her back. Sometimes I feel like I want to "win," but the truth is, I honestly don't think H and I have a future (right now, granted that could change). I'd like him to recognize the changes I've made and make some himself, but that's pretty much it at the moment.
I hope you're right about the detaching, and if going out for drinks with someone else helped that, I'm happy for you. I keep thinking of what Homer said we're saying when we feel like we have to have the WAS back and fail to recognize the myriad possibilities out there: "I'm a pea brain! I'm a pea brain! Don't you want to be with a pea brain?" Cracks me up.
Re the assault: Have you ever thought about saying, if she ever brings it up again, "You're right. There's no way you can trust me"? Just a thought.
Hey, H asked me to think about whether I want to make any big purchases like a 42" plasma TV. Considering how much you're enjoying it, maybe I ought to consider it. : )
Sounds like you're in a better and better place, Heim. Take care.
I know the interactions with my W weren't ideal last Friday/Saturday, but they didn't feel as bad as you and OT see them. She continued the conversation on Saturday by driving over and she invited me to stay for dinner (I had told her I intended to just watch Casey open presents and then go).
Homer does have a way with words. Not sure about the whole dating thing. This is dating, 6 point font, all lower case, if anything. I do know that it was fun to meet someone and have an enjoyable conversation.
W just retrieved the girls. Was cordial and pleasant, but didn't try to initiate small talk/ask her about her day. Oddly enough, first time in a while, find myself caring but not caring.
I don't know the right or the wrong thing to say about what I did. Try not to think about it. Shameful.
If you watch any amount of TV/movies, I'd highly recommend plasma/LCD TV. It's loverly. If you watch sports, football in HD is awesome.
Feeling better and better. I kind of learn like this -- i don't get it, i don't get it, i don't get it, then, hey, i got it. Feeling like I'm about to make that leap.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
"I sincerely apologized from a heart a number of times for my role in where we are."
The Five Languages of Apology might shed light on why your repeated apologies aren't meeting W's need there. People have different languages of apology, just like love languages. So, despite the sincerity of your apologies, they may simply not be getting through to her. It is pretty eye-opening if you read it. Made a lot of sense as to why H and I sometimes get frustrated when trying to apologize to each other.
I did go back to read your first post, BTW. I wonder if you have worked with an IC on this? I think you may be minimizing the real violation that occured. It doesn't matter that it was four minutes, given the sexual nature of the assault. For your own sake, I hope you'll really work on this. FWIW, from my position of having been a victim of sexual assault and being someone who has an XH who cheated and lied about the A, I'd disagree with you that they are on a par in terms of the psychic trauma as violations of a person.
The unattractive interactions weren't anything new. They were just the one's you already seemed to recognized as such, like your tantrum. That's why I said "enough said."
BTW, I didn't intend to make a "dig" about OM. I deleted the comment because I don't feel like getting into another dating discussion. I think I said something like, "If you are dating, you might want to stop calling your W's boyfriend OM." It is simply a suggestion that you own your actions and use words that more authentically express your perspective on your sitch. If you and W are now both in an open R in which you are free to date whoever you wish, then hanging onto the idea of an OM just creates resentment/anger/feelings of victimization needlessly.
I kind of learn like this -- i don't get it, i don't get it, i don't get it, then, hey, i got it. Feeling like I'm about to make that leap.
I see your learning pattern kind of like this:
I don't get it -- okay, I get it! Wait, what did I just do? Can you show me how to do it again? Oh, okay! Got it! Wait -- that's not right... could you explain this to me again, please? Oh yeah, now I know... argh, nevermind. Show me again? Okay... nope, that didn't work. I thought I did what you told me to do. I'm getting it -- really I am. Could you just help me again on this part? Then I'll be good to go...
"I don't know the right or the wrong thing to say about what I did. Try not to think about it. Shameful."
Heim,
Again, please for your own sake try to confront yourself on this with the help of a C. I believe you when you say you momentarily went crazy. But you still need to heal from that, own your actions, and forgive yourself for them. Find compassion for that crazy guy and take care of him.
It occurs to me that Puddle may be right, maybe your interactions w/W that you know intellectually will NOT help your sitch that occur nevertheless are some sort of self-sabotage? Maybe it is a way for you to punish yourself driven by your unresolved shame around the assault? Dunno. Worth considering though...
