Thoughts on phone calls

[BryanS]

It's been a while and I do have some updates. The W came back from TX this weekend, stopped here on her way through to MD and her new job. The visit was really good, very affectionate and very much what I was hoping for. She's agreed to a Retrouvaille weekend in two weeks so I'm really hoping that'll help. I had so many things I wanted to talk to her about but I was able to put most of them off knowing that I might get the chance there since it's a communication focused workshop.

It is amazing to me how quickly my old ways of thinking and acting wanted to come out this weekend. The neediness, the insecurity all that came roaring back once I saw that W was acting like my wife (for the most part) again. I had to fight the whole time to keep that in check. 789 mentioned that in his thread a week or so ago, that it's a lot harder to keep DBing in the presence of WAS after a long separation. I think for me it was seeing how close things are to going really well and wanting them to get there already. A little impatient. That and feeling like I have to be "on" all the time, that I can't slip up and be the old me lest it set us back. I think eventually it won't feel like a struggle because the old me won't exist anymore but right now he's still here and talking to me all the time.

That concept of true loneliness is when you’re lonely in a crowd, that’s kind of how I felt. I was with my W and I felt like there were things I couldn’t share with her. I want her and this M so much that I’m afraid of losing it. Really, I think fear only comes when I have something that I’m not willing to lose and I really don’t want to lose this. I know about detaching and I have been somewhat successful with it, it’s just when I spend time with her and am reminded of how much I like her and all the screwups in the past that have led us to where we are now, I can’t help but want another chance.

It’s the uncertainty that’s killing me. She talks about a lot of positive things but then wears her wedding band on her right hand. She still talks about her money and her house and her life in a way that isn’t inclusive of me and mine. But then she’ll turn around and hint at a trip together in the future. I’m sure that this is because she’s not sure about what’s going on and she’s not sure about how permanent these changes are and she’s not sure how much she’s willing to invest anymore to get the M to a good place. Knowing all that should make me feel better but doesn’t somehow. My LL is Words of Affirmation (weird for a guy I thought) and I’m just not hearing the words from her that I want to hear. We’ll work it out, we’ll figure out a way, we’ll…..

All in all, I feel good about this weekend and the future. I think I held myself together pretty well although I do need to work a little more on keeping the projected confidence even. Or as Jody calls it, being sexy. W definitely likes confidence and aggressiveness, both of which are relatively natural for me, just not so much when it comes to her. I chose a career that requires both which helps a lot, I just wish I could find a better way to keep that going when starts flinging little barbs at me. I got a lot of this guy said that to me, or I saw this house I want to buy, or whatever and I just don’t bounce back the way I feel like I need to in order to keep the projection seamless. I didn’t say anything, I bit my tongue a lot but then she also sees my silence as an indication of unhappiness and I got the “What’s wrong” question several times. I just smiled at her and said nothing sweetheart every time, I hope that cuts it.