HI Bryan I am back from Florida so I thought I would check in on you. That is great that the wedding was so good and you are loving yourself again. So how is everything going with you? You are so strong.
HI Bryan I am back from Florida so I thought I would check in on you. That is great that the wedding was so good and you are loving yourself again. So how is everything going with you? You are so strong.
It's been a while and I do have some updates. The W came back from TX this weekend, stopped here on her way through to MD and her new job. The visit was really good, very affectionate and very much what I was hoping for. She's agreed to a Retrouvaille weekend in two weeks so I'm really hoping that'll help. I had so many things I wanted to talk to her about but I was able to put most of them off knowing that I might get the chance there since it's a communication focused workshop.
It is amazing to me how quickly my old ways of thinking and acting wanted to come out this weekend. The neediness, the insecurity all that came roaring back once I saw that W was acting like my wife (for the most part) again. I had to fight the whole time to keep that in check. 789 mentioned that in his thread a week or so ago, that it's a lot harder to keep DBing in the presence of WAS after a long separation. I think for me it was seeing how close things are to going really well and wanting them to get there already. A little impatient. That and feeling like I have to be "on" all the time, that I can't slip up and be the old me lest it set us back. I think eventually it won't feel like a struggle because the old me won't exist anymore but right now he's still here and talking to me all the time.
That concept of true loneliness is when you’re lonely in a crowd, that’s kind of how I felt. I was with my W and I felt like there were things I couldn’t share with her. I want her and this M so much that I’m afraid of losing it. Really, I think fear only comes when I have something that I’m not willing to lose and I really don’t want to lose this. I know about detaching and I have been somewhat successful with it, it’s just when I spend time with her and am reminded of how much I like her and all the screwups in the past that have led us to where we are now, I can’t help but want another chance.
It’s the uncertainty that’s killing me. She talks about a lot of positive things but then wears her wedding band on her right hand. She still talks about her money and her house and her life in a way that isn’t inclusive of me and mine. But then she’ll turn around and hint at a trip together in the future. I’m sure that this is because she’s not sure about what’s going on and she’s not sure about how permanent these changes are and she’s not sure how much she’s willing to invest anymore to get the M to a good place. Knowing all that should make me feel better but doesn’t somehow. My LL is Words of Affirmation (weird for a guy I thought) and I’m just not hearing the words from her that I want to hear. We’ll work it out, we’ll figure out a way, we’ll…..
All in all, I feel good about this weekend and the future. I think I held myself together pretty well although I do need to work a little more on keeping the projected confidence even. Or as Jody calls it, being sexy. W definitely likes confidence and aggressiveness, both of which are relatively natural for me, just not so much when it comes to her. I chose a career that requires both which helps a lot, I just wish I could find a better way to keep that going when starts flinging little barbs at me. I got a lot of this guy said that to me, or I saw this house I want to buy, or whatever and I just don’t bounce back the way I feel like I need to in order to keep the projection seamless. I didn’t say anything, I bit my tongue a lot but then she also sees my silence as an indication of unhappiness and I got the “What’s wrong” question several times. I just smiled at her and said nothing sweetheart every time, I hope that cuts it.
Me: 32 in OH Wife: 29 in MD Married: 4 years No kids Seperated 14 months
One thing this weekend with W helped me see is that I want to feel the belonging of a good relationship. I want to feel like I am owned by a beautiful, exciting woman and I want to feel like I own her. Not ownership in a bad way, ownership where we know each others needs and work to meet them. That's not detaching and maybe it's anti-DB but it's how I feel.
I grew up in a tough house but the one thing we always had was unconditional love, at least from Dad. No matter what, he took up for us. I didn't realize that's not universal until many years later but I can't help thinking that's the way it should be. W didn't and doesn't have that with her family and I wonder if that isn't the source of some issues for us. It seems for her I have to "be good" in order to earn her love and respect whereas I feel like I should be a given if you really love someone. I want that unconditional love, that respect. Sometimes she tells me things under the guise of being totally honest with me and I can't help but think why would you say that? That's not loving, that's not respectful, that's not protective of us.
I feel like I'm slipping backwards in some respects and I don't know what to do about it. There have been so many positive changes in her and I don't want to lose them. On the other hand, I ache for the security of healthy love and it's just not forthcoming right now. I don't know how much longer I can hold on waiting for her to commit, taking the comments that hurt without even a little complaint.
Maybe this is a mid-DB crisis. Maybe it's normal to get to the middle and think I've put in all this work and I feel used up and I don't know how much more I can give. I don't know. But it's how I feel and where I'm at. I love being with her, I just don't know how much longer I can hold on to this course, speaking in her love language without getting my love tank filled. Does that even make sense?
Hi Bryan I so know what you mean. Here we are doing everything we can to make them feel better meanwhile we feel horrible. It is all about them and that is what this is all about them. They are selfish right now. The world revolves around them. Mine told our S on tuesday that Daddy is not grumpy anymore Daddy is happy now. Why would you tell that to an almost 4 year old. It is like saying I was unhappy being with you and Mommy but now I am better since I am gone. It hurt me a lot too.
I honestly can not imagine myself being as selfish as he is being and treating anyone the way he has been treating me or us I should say. I feel the same way you do about an R. I would do anything to protect the people I love and hurt them is not one of them.
Maybe this is a mid-DB crisis but you will be better for this. I am here for you if you need me. It really is awful to be giving out all of this love and positive energy and get nothing in return.
I havent seen ya lately so I just wanted to stop by your post and say hi.
Hang in there. The roller coaster ride is no fun. There are days when everything seems all uphill but then there are days that the sailing is smooth. Hang onto the positive changes and work hard to let go of the negatives.
I too have been questioning how much longer I can do this and how much longer I even want to do this but then I really think hard and I know I love him and I want this to work.
Hang in there and know you have support here.
M 32 H 39 SS 15, SD 12, S11, S9, D7, D6, D4 E/A 02/06 WAS 03/06 RH 05/06 On 07/07 told me he wants to leave again. On 08/11/07 Walked out again.
People say "When God closes a door he opens a window." They forget to tell you "It is hell in the hallway!"
Thanks Amy. I just talked to W and I really don't know what I want anymore. I don't know if I want this. She told me yet again that she still hasn't decided if she wants a D or not. I have no right to be hurt by her wanting to buy a house. She doesn't think she can handle a long physical seperation, that she needs the physical contact and that she needs to have that met (not too hard to read between the lines there). That a D doesn't mean the end of the R. All this crap after a weekend filled with physical intimacy, ILY's and fun.
Honestly, I really don't like her right now. I don't understand how anyone can do and say what she did this weekend and turn around and say those things tonight. Part of me really wants to get off the coaster, to say fine get the D and leave me alone because I can't stand the feeling up and feeling down. I can't act like her husband, the way she wants me to act, only to be treated like a friend with sometime benefits. It's not right, treating people like that. And yes I want to be loved, not right, but I also want someone who cares about me and by the disconnect between what she says and does, I don't think she cares. Or loves.
We have Retrouvaille coming up next weekend and I have no idea how I'm going to maintain a positive theme with her until then. I don't even want to speak to her, she hurt me so bad. But I can't do that because then she won't go. The crap of it is I know I am what she wants, she just doesn't know it. I'm tired of her and her mental games. Right now, if I had the papers in front of me, I would sign them just to get her out of my head. It's amazing to me to be able to love someone and still absolutely hate them. I literally have 0 hope right now, what the hell am I still doing this for???? She's going to leave one way or another, I'm just delaying it a little.
Hang in there for one more week. just one more week.
Sometimes, people get scared of the prospect of success at something, that they arent sure they want any more. Try not to psych yourself out of this. Try not to think about the long term future of things right now. Decide that you'll think more about that, after the retrouville weekend.
Instead, for right now... I'd suggest that you fill the next 8 days, with stuff for you. As in, really indulgently you. Crazy movie that your wife would never see with you? go see it.
Fancy restaurant you've always wanted to go to? splurge.
See a show, go to a sports thing... whatever. Just focus on you. leave the cellphone behind, so nothing interrupts the positive flow for you.
Do this for you right now, and also do this so that you can be coming in from a positive flow, when it is time to go to the weekend. You can do this
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Wow, what a change in a short span of time. maybe that roler coaster feeling will start to taper off into a more ven flow after Retro or after she grows up a little and realizes what she may lose? Stay positive. You have been doing so well.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Hang in there Bryan. At least she is willing to go to Retro with you so that is a positive sign right there. This roller coaster ride is not fun at all. Hopefully after that weekend things will look up for you and a lot of issues/questions can be resolved.
Like Dom said keep busy doing things for yourself right now. You can make it though this rough patch.
Keep us posted and if you need support we are here.
