I read the invite thing, and what I would say or do is honestly put it up to W. Make her make the decision. Tell MIL that you are honored to be invited and would love to attend but think it is rather for W to decide, and let W know that is she wants you there then to let you know and you would be honored. I don't know just my two bits. Other then that I would decline, a little odd to say the least.
Hey I was wondering if you could give me a take on my sitch, things have gotten a little confusing lately and I'm not sure how to handle the parts that don't concern the law.
GD - on the holidays, my thought is if your W invited you and you thought she wanted you to go, ok. But just in-laws, I'd pass.
This has been my approach so far, even if in-laws invite me to something and W says its ok. I am trying to figure out what she wants. I guess I will have to run this drill again soon myself as W said in our JC session Tuesday of this week that she assumes we will all (meaning me, her and our kids) be spending the holidays together (Turkey Day and Christmas - not sure about New Year's or Chanukah).
Nomo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
While it was very generous of your inlaws to invite you (and the reasons are sound), I think that the difficulty of possiblity of seeing your W with her BF there might be...complicated.
Plus the knowledge of just what happened would be hanging over everyone, so, I think that a polite decline (since the invite was from the in-laws) is the best course of action as well.
Anyway, I was asked to attend Thanksgiving with my whole in-law family by my MIL. She has said that H would be invited, but if he thought that CW was going, they could both stay home.
I am strongly considering my aunt's offer to go to her house in Brooklyn...
H has already "confirmed" in his head that I am at fault that he is estranged from his family. If I decline, he will have to face going--or not--all by himself.
I hate to do that to the kids, though, so I am thinking about it.
I think that would be a GREAT FRIGGIN' DAY, but I have the kids that night (although W will have them for the day while at her parents' house). My BIL and his W will be in town too, and I need to spend some time with him -- haven't talked to him since before the separation last November.
However, if Nomo's game, I'll see what things look like as the date gets closer.
In the interest of full disclosure, my TURKEY DAY will involve lots of alcohol, food, free love, and scantily clad adults. Who's in??? May also be a mud pit in the mix.
Nomo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
While it was very generous of your inlaws to invite you (and the reasons are sound), I think that the difficulty of possiblity of seeing your W with her BF there might be...complicated.
You might be right about the difficulty, but I've accepted the reality of their R, and have already seen them together at a few different events for the kids, and have been to their place a few times to pick up or drop off the kids. I think I would handle it fine at this point. . Regardless, I've decided it would be best if I didn't go. The kids will be fine, and I see the inlaws on a near weekly basis as is. It'll be better if W has this quality family time with her family without the discomfort of my presence and that obnoxious pink elephant in the room!
Due to W and BF's present difficulties in their R, I don't know if W will even invite BF to Thanksgiving -- seriously. Plus, because her older brother will be there (and because he and I have been friends for a long time), I think she would have some added reservations to invite BF. However, I could be completely wrong. It'll be interesting (and telling) to see what happens at that time.
Update,
Met w/ W yesterday to pick out which pictures each of us wanted from the kids' picture packages. I gave her first choice on things. Gave her some extra halloween supplies (cookie cutters, pumpkin scoopers, etc), her mail, and some money to buy Halloween decorations to decorate her place with the kids. A few weeks ago I was thinking about waiting for her to ask me for money to get decorations, or for her to ask for some of our decorations, but then I decided that she likely wouldn't do this (whether because of pride, guilt, etc, I don't know), so I figured I would just make the offer. I mean, if her BF is too cheap and she is too broke to buy these things, the kids shouldn't have to suffer not having decorating fun with mom. Plus, I don't think it would be right for her to get zero items and me get all of them. It was the right choice, and had very little to do with the hope that she would appreciate it and add seeds of doubt to the fertile land (which I don't believe is very fertile).
She thanked me for everything, and I could see a hint of sheepishness in her face and body language. I wish she would quit feeling guilty, but she'll have to work through it on her own. All I can do is be friendly, happy, strong, etc, and show her that what is happening really is okay, and that I will be okay and that the kids will be okay.
Here is something, however, that irked me pretty bad, though I let it roll off me back during the conversation.
She told me that she was in collections for her medical expenses from her diabetes, and that the notice she got about it had MY NAME ON IT TOO, meaning that my credit might be affected as well. She said she didn't know why, because she never included my name on any paperwork. I replied that it is probably on there because we are still married. I politely asked her if she could/would call them and tell them the situation and ask that my name be removed. She replied that they probably wouldn't care -- they're collectors. I'm sure she's right about that, but the fact that she didn't seem interested in at least attempting to get my name off of it bothered me. My guess is she wants me to pay it so it won't affect my credit anymore, and that way she won't have to ask for my help. Makes sense, eh! Anyway, I said she could give me the number for the collection agency and I would see what I could do about getting my name off of it. I don't want to pay for her expenses, but I guess I will if I have to since we're still married. As soon as that D is over though, I'm done with that help for sure. Not to be vindictive, but because it is healthier for our R and us as individuals. No more ties except where it involves the kids.
She also told me that she redid her benefits, and that I would be removed from them at the start of 2008. I was perfectly agreeable on that and said it was fine. I fully understand that, but now I'm wondering if I should ask her if I can pay her the extra cost to keep me on? Wouldn't it be a good idea to make sure the father of her children can afford health care in the case of a medical crisis? Thoughts on this? Should I address it or leave it alone?
W also mentioned that she needed to pick up some of her belongings that she still has at the house -- at least what she can fit in her car ('06 Mustang, meaning she won't fit much). I told her again that I would be more than happy to load everything up in my truck and haul it to her storage unit for her. She seemed uncomfortable with this idea, so I just left the offer there -- didn't push it any further. I just wish I knew why this is such a difficult thing for us to get taken care of. Just get your stuff out of the house for god's sake! Let's get the ball rolling so we can both move on, ya know! Sheesh! Take your name and car off of the insurance, get your property, and move on so the healing can begin.
We won't be seeing each other anymore -- pick up and drop off for the kids strictly occurs at daycare now. That'll help the healing too.
I had the land line phone cancelled on the house last week, and when I talked to her a few days later via the cell phone, my cell died. I called her back a few minutes later on my friend's phone, and mentioned that I couldn't call her back on the home phone because I had it disconnected. She seemed a little annoyed when she replied, "yeah, I tried to call that number first and found that out. I was wondering when you were gonna tell me." I just kindly replied that I had just disconnected it a few days earlier, and that I figured I could just wait until I saw you in a few days and tell you then. I still have my cell phone, so I'm still able to be contacted.
Seems like she still has some emotional ties -- doesn't like to see me being so comfortable and forthcoming with severing ties, making choices like cancelling the phone, etc. However, she goes ahead and makes these choices on her end. Interesting dynamics, and likely just typical of the WAS.
GALing,
Heading up to Sun Valley, ID, for a jazz festival and some Lindy Hop dancing this weekend. I'm going up and staying with 3 young hotties (19, 19, and 20), one of which I'm entering the dance competition with. They all suggested we go to the grocery store close to where we're meeting before we head out of town so we can get some snacks and whatnot. I mentioned that my W works there, and that it might be a little awkward. But now that I think about it, wouldn't it be funny if I showed up with a young, college-cutie entourage, getting snacks and overtly flirting without a care in the world? I don't care how far removed W is -- that sight would drive her nuts! I'll bet Homer would push for this one. I think I'm going to do it, just to see what kind of reaction I'll get, both short and long term...what do you guys think?
Thanks to those of you who trudged through the long post (and for those of you who just skimmed) -- when you don't post very often, these things can be a little lengthy!
. Regardless, I've decided it would be best if I didn't go. The kids will be fine, and I see the inlaws on a near weekly basis as is. It'll be better if W has this quality family time with her family without the discomfort of my presence and that obnoxious pink elephant in the room!