CVA - thin PJ's & Massages

[Not Much Left]

Hey Puddle
I dont post a bunch about what is going on between us because it is literally "status quo". Nada, nothing except polite interactions, most of the time. Maybe I am missing the positive signs (the negatives are simple to spot as you know). I am sure there are some, like yesterday, she was not rude about asking me to help w/ Ds homework, just friendly and generally nice all day. The key for me is not putting too much energy / emotion into what she is "feeling" at any particular moment. It drives me (all of us) nuts so what helps me is NOT to write about every little interaction like I used to.

Make sense?

Honestly, I have no clue where she is in her head.

C

[Nomopo]

Here's the newest decision. I am going to give notice end of Oct on the apt, which gives me to end of year, in the meantime, I am on the watch for the best place possible.

If Xmas rolls around and we are not working on things, pretty sure emotions will be high and something is bound to happen.

Hey Buddy. Question: why haven't you done anything about the unsatisfactory living arrangements yet? My guess: you're scared that if you make a move to more separation (eg, changing your living arrangements and. more importantly, stopping going over there every day just about), that it will likely convince W she doesn't want/need you, or push her towards a D somehow (eg, that she will decide you don't care, you aren't committed, whatever). Do you think something like that is right? That you're scared to change the status quo cause you don't know how W will react and you fear that it will push you towards a D?

If so, that makes perfect sense. You're human. I think we all have that fear at some point in a process like that. I did - at the time W decided she wanted to S, at the time of S, at the time I decided I wasn't sure I wanted to work on things and told her as much, and when I recently moved to shake up the living arrangements, finances, custody and going public.

But I think in your sitch it is key to keep in mind that (1) your W has not gotten the time and space she most likely needs and sought when she asked you to move out in order to figure things out for herself, (2) things don't seem to be getting better the way they are now (and maybe can't get better the way they are now), which means you need a change even if a possible outcome is that it leads to or hastens a D, and (3) you're not happy, and you need to focus on you and take care of yourself, which is why a change is good (but not to teach W a lesson, or be punitive). I'm rushed, and that jumble was pretty much just free flow thinking, so I hope it makes sense and helps. Back for more later.

Thoughts?

Nomo

PS - sorry I don't have time to edit it.

[Nomopo]

The key for me is not putting too much energy / emotion into what she is "feeling" at any particular moment.

We have a winner!!!!!!!

Focus on you and what you want!!! (For example, changing the living arrangements, but for the right reasons, not the wrong reasons.)

Nomo

[Not Much Left]

All True Nomo, thanks.

Part of the "not doing something about the unsatisfactory living conditions" are that I have actually been looking for the right place / opportunity as they present themselves with no real pressure on me (I have too much of that already) to do this quickly just to get it out of the way. It actually could be a large / long-term living arrangement which as a single or married person I would methodically think about which I have been doing.

Part of my self healing is to stop beating myself up for whatever I am not doing and be patient. Sound familiar?

C

[SunnySeason]

Just got back to the computer to give some feedback & find that Nomopo beat me to the thoughts I was having this morning.

My guess: you're scared that if you make a move to more separation (eg, changing your living arrangements and. more importantly, stopping going over there every day just about)

things don't seem to be getting better the way they are now (and maybe can't get better the way they are now)

While it might seem safe to keep the status quo, the safety is really just an illusion.
I think we're all afraid that making changes will somehow send the WAS over the edge, when in fact it will probably free them up to take a look in our direction, unless they're already not going to in any case.

Have to run (literally),

Sunny

Part of my self healing is to stop beating myself up for whatever I am not doing and be patient. Sound familiar?

I agree with you CVA, it's not a good idea to rush into anything without thinking it thru, and for a personality type that likes to push things through, it's especially important.

[Gone Dancin']

While it might seem safe to keep the status quo, the safety is really just an illusion.
I think we're all afraid that making changes will somehow send the WAS over the edge, when in fact it will probably free them up to take a look in our direction, unless they're already not going to in any case.

So true, sunny. So true. We have to move on with choices that are healthiest and best for us at some point, and when you know it's time then you know you it's time.

I'm looking into the idea of selling my house next spring/summer and buying a log home with a little land in the mountains about 30-45 min out of town. I've always wanted to do this, but couldn't get W to jump on board. Now I can do it. If W was to want to work things out, I would reconsider this move, but in the meantime I've got to move on with what's best for me. The commute won't be too bad, and it won't be so far away that it creates a problem with exchanging the kids (it'll still happen at daycare anyway). I wish it was already next summer so I could do this because I'm so excited by the prospect, but I can wait -- don't want to skip through the ski season!).

CVA,

I understand your being methodical on the choice, but I definitely think it should be a priority for you at this point. I think we all can agree on this. Keep thinking hard on this one. I really believe this ball needs to get rolling.

Take care, Nic, Peyton, etc!

GD

[Not Much Left]

One of the coolest scenes in a movie is where Nic Cage is Castor Troy in "Face Off" and is walking to his private plane in a Duster Coat with his 2 gold guns on his back waist. The other part of the movie that I love is when he screams "I am Castor Troy" when he is in prison.

Travolta was pretty good in the movie too, although I hate the concept of him being gay. It ruins everything I see with him in it.

C


Oh and yes, it is a priority. And yes, there is fear involved but hey, I have not been afraid of much in my life, no time to start now.

[Not Much Left]

Ohhhmmmmmm
Zen Daddy
Rushed home to get S9 to soccer, W couldn't get him ready after I called to let her know where I was. My God woman, how hard is it to have him ready to go, oh wait, she was too busy on the Freakin phone!!!!!!!

Ahhhhhhhhh

[Gone Dancin']

(sigh - I'm sorry, brotha)

Ohhhhhhmmmmmmmm

[Not Much Left]

It's fine thanks. Selfish feelings. Bad CVA. Letting that upset me is the opposite of what I posted (want) earlier today.