My background. H has come back. We moved back to our hometown and he is switching job so he will not have to go back where OW is. However, he still contacts OW, still have strong feelings for her, and is unable to cut off contact. He feels very guilty about dumping her. He tries everything to make me happy, be a family man, etc. But he is still contacting OW via phone calls and txt. I have no idea what they talk about and why she is OK with essentially taking crumbs from him. He agress that this cannot go on forever and he maintains that he will end it. But I don't see any signs of this happening.
So in response to JoieDeVivre's what to tell H. I said this (during one of our arguments), "....You are OK with this situation. She is OK with the current situation. I do want to be with you. However, I am NOT OK with this current situation...." I am planning to leave if he cannot end this soon.
I've been thinking about what I would say if it comes to it with my H -- and this is pretty much it. I love you, but...
... I refuse to live any longer in a three person marriage... That's what I said anyway.
I talked to one of my friends today who knows about the A. She's just one of those good listeners who doesn't push or make judments about what I should or shouldn't do. I have a couple VERY judgmental friends who know about my sitch and a couple who are just good listeners. It's nice to know that if I walked out today, I would have about 6 or 7 options on where to stay
- It does not matter what you say, they are not hearing right now.
- It only matters what you do.
To wit:
- I told W several times over the course of 3 months that she needed to figure out what she wanted and start pursuing it (either big D or reconciliation, either job or training program, etc.)
- I only got a response out of my WAW when I: a. stopped putting my paycheck in our joint account and told her I was taking over the family finances (she is a SAHM). b. invited a female friend and her kids to spend time with me and our kids while W was out of town (visiting her family and OM).
For me the primary lesson of DBing is: Believe none of what you hear and only 1/2 of what you see.
This applies also in reverse A WAS does not believe anything that you say and only what you do consistently over a long period of time!
Happy DBing!
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
"I'm leaving such and such a place and am on my way home." If he were truly willing to cut off all contact then those efforts would be great. Right now, it seems like another cover up..
My H doesn't call ever. But when he is here he lately has been making a total obvious point to tell me this stuff. Like what he did last night. Or what he is going to do when he leaves here.
And I agree. I would like to believe that he does this to make sure I know that he is home. But what I do believe is this is just a cover up.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
LO, I got to spend the night in the ER with my daughter. Thought she had broken something in her foot. Apparently just a stress fracture or a bad strain.
Bad thing ... didn't get home until after midnight. Good thing ... it kept my mind off my sitch (H did not accompany us to hospital). But I did think about you a lot. I took a book but couldn't get my mind in it. And, you're still in my thoughts. I hope your day goes well...
I think you are getting there. You'll be fine. You will be fine as a single person.
If I look at your husband with cynical DB eyes, I would say, he's a selfish chronic adulterer who hasn't grown up and is losing an amazing woman. If I look at him with compasasion, he's a confused man gripped in the addiction of an affair and possible MLC and needs a lot of growing up to do, but you can't be his mother, counselor and wife. And like any good spouse of a person with and addiction, you've got to stop enabling his behavior. When you stop it -- you are really loving him by not allowing him to be self-destructive.
You seem to be detaching well.
And, as SuperDad says, it's not what you say, it's what you consistently do. At some point you will say, "End it with OW or I'm leaving you." And it's what you DO that will show him your serious.
I personally need a GAL accountability plan. My pastor/priest had a long conversation with me about not walking around with shame and perpetual grief. He challenged me to not allow myself to be "defined" by this crisis in my marriage.
Recently it was very hard for me to, more or less, not plan anything for my wife's 40th birthday. It's not that I wanted to hurt her. It's just that I felt stange about planning something for her since she clearly told me she'd rather be with OM.
Sometimes it's what you DON'T do for them that sends the signals that you are moving on.
.....not walking around with shame and perpetual grief. He challenged me to not allow myself to be "defined" by this crisis in my marriage.
This is so obvious but so hard not to do!! And maybe for a while one does need to go through this phase before healing can take place - it's just to stay there will kill you.
Did you advisor give any good advice on how NOT to do this. It's hard to feel that that is not how others WILL define you when they discover what has been going on but I guess when you think about others who have been through similar sitautions that isn't your enduring memmory of them - you see them as people - people who have been hurt but who survive and move on.
saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Well...my therapist is working with me on career issues and figuring out who I am and what I want.
My priest is encouraging me to get more deeply involved in the parish. It would help to use to my gifts and remember that the Kingdom of God is bigger than my particular problems. In some sense, as a Christian, I'm part of an irresitible revolution to bring light, love, truth, peace and healing into the world. My role, my history, my gifts and my calling have not disappeared.
Yes..it's the standard speech he's supposed to give me, but it also happens to be true.
