Hi--I was struck by your H's continued treatment of you. IMHO he is being verbally abusive to you to a degree that is hard to see from inside the relationship.
I would like to suggest a book about VA that a friend of mine bought for me when I told her how my H was talking to me. As I read it, I wished I had realized some things years earlier (29 year marriage, now in a trial separation, but getting better). I realized my husband's anger was about him, and he was using VA to provoke me to anger, so he could conveniently blame me for his unhappiness. The book is not a DBing book, but it pretty effectively describes how to do a 180 when your H is saying a lot of mean things to you. It is "The Verbally Abusive Relationship"by Patricia Evans.
To me, it sounds like your H does not actually want to leave you, but he is blaming you for his unhappiness because you are right there. Yes, he loves you, but he also is indulging himself in a lot of resentment. Not fair, but there it is.
I do think DBing is the best shot at improving and saving a M. I agree with was2sad that it is time to stop the R talk. I am sure that you understand that you need to not defend/explain. You will be doing yourself and your H a huge favor if you stop letting him repeat these mean things to you. (Some day you will talk about your relationship again, but it will not be this conversation...)
One mistake I kept making was to try to explain/defend and fix the the things I saw as unfair blaming or just general irritability/anger. It was surprisingly effective when I stopped talking about "the merits" of the thing he was saying to me, and just said something calm, like, "I don't like the way you are talking to me" or "Please stop scolding me" and then (this is important) left the room. Later, I would treat him "as if" and have some small positive interaction, so he knew I was not bearing a grudge.
You have some valuable time here to work on your M. You are clearly on the right track. You saw some of the positive results of DBing. It is time to stop being half-assed about it.
Don't just back off 90%--back off 100%. Treat yourself with the pride and self-respect that you want your children to have in their future Ms. It is very hard to stop reacting to the cruel things that your H keeps saying to you. Do yourself (and him and your children) a favor, and (calmly and genuinely without anger) stop allowing it. Perhaps, when he starts to talk about this again, you could tell him that you understand that he will do what he needs to do, and then calmly excuse yourself and leave the room. (I have found that it didn't work unless I left.)
Good luck, and please let us know how it is going. FG
