Thanks for the cool down message - it made me feel better. Good to know that things improve with time. Here is an update of since then.
I was uncommunicative all of yesterday and this morning, after the surprise going to Germany discovery, culminating in another talk with W 2 hours ago, started by her. She was mad about the idea of having to leave our (1880s, being renovated) house unfinished, said she was going to finish what she had started and invested so much time in (not with my money, but I didn't say that). She was mad that I "had had a good time at work while she stayed at home" (but I've bought her 5000$ worth of job stuff over the last three years, helped with her work, and encouraged her to get a job). She then reiterated that she was not the right type of woman for me, that I needed someone softer, and that she would be glad if I found someone, that I would then be happy again.
The whole thing turned into a how sad it is to have to lose the house (I proposed she move out, but got no reaction), how much better it would be for the kids to stay here, and why don't we both just tell the kids we love them - and others outside the marriage - but not each other - and then things will be okay.
She said that if I couldn't we happy running the family 'as a company', then we would have to D. I then told her I had filed, which surprised her - she thought you have to file jointly.
I told her I still loved her (she never said once she did in this talk, or even have feelings for me) and that I could not turn off being hurt by her actions. She said she wanted to find a man she could really love, apparently even the OM is not quite the right one. I told her if she knew a clever way for me not be able to be hurt by her, then maybe we could keep the house and the family (though 'just friends' between she and I). She came up with the usual get another woman solution and I told her that she knew my view of that, maybe after the D I would start looking.
She told me she was at peace, but knew I wasn't. I told her I wanted to know what is going to happen before my 50th birthday, maybe find a little peace and lower my blood pressure (which has gone up 30 points over the last years).
My impression was of her being partly honest, partly wary and not honest, but always wanting to protect the status quo. Maybe the best to hope for is not too many fights until the D is final, though I imagine the financial cutoff will get her goat.
I am still going to continue the D process - nothing is really changed - will see a lawyer this week to find out about being able to keep the house -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
