Returning to normal activities is such a help toward feeling like a more normal person. I think I'm done talking about the accident. Talking about just makes me feel queasy and jittery again.
xh has been kind of weird the last couple of days. But I suspect it's just stress. He doesn't handle it well. Unfortunately, I was still really messed up yesterday, and was in tears, taking everything he said very personally. But I'm human, I'm allowed to get worked up, and I'm not going to feel badly for that. I suspect he was distant and weird because I was feeling needy. But I don't know.
Actually, the day of the accident he did pretty well. He skipped a class for me, and didn't resort to yelling at me or being angry with me about it. He did complain a lot about not having any time, but that's okay. He even stopped and gave me a hug when I randomly broke down and cried in Target.
I've been careful not to expect him to do the whole "Oh my god you were in an accident, I'm sorry, I realize I love you forever!" type of reaction, lol. Actually, I knew he wouldn't do that anyway. And, even though I've felt incredibly needy (as I'm sure he's noticed), I don't expect him to do anything about it.
Other random thoughts...
This past weekend (before my wreck), we had a really good time. We hung out most of the weekend. xh was even feeling something...he said he had the urge to "do something nice" or that he wanted to buy me something. It was very sweet. He also said he was resisting that urge, and was enjoying our time together "too much".
I did ask him why. I was careful not to be accusatory or anything, and tend to only talk about these things when he brings them up. I was just genuinely curious. He said now wasn't the time, and his head still wasn't clear enough for him to date anyone. I told him that was fine, and he needed to do what was best for him. And I really do mean that.
Also, I've noticed I get the insane urge to snoop when things seem to be going well between us. It's like I'm trying to find a reason to get mad at him when we move closer. sigh
He did tell me again the other day that it's too bad we won't be able to have another baby together. He would love to give the baby a full sibling--and he thinks I'm an excellent mom.
One interesting thing I've noticed. We rarely fight over the baby or how to take care of him. I actually expected more friction, since I'd always heard kids make things worse. I've been pleasantly surprised the last year.
I used to get irritated and snap back. Then I went through a phase where I just avoided him. After I stumbled on DB a couple of years ago, I tried the validating and listening angle.
Lately, I just want to get away from it.
It seems like it snowballs, and then he's mopey for hours or even days over the littlest things. I feel like cringing or running away.
But here's where I'm confused. I know xh has had anger issues. I also know that I'm extremely sensitive, and, when in the mood, can blow things way out of proportion. So I don't always trust my gut. That's not to say my feelings aren't important...I've just acknowledged that I'm sensitive, it's good and bad, and I don't always have to react on that.
So, today, xh dropped me off at work. I had agreed we could leave at 6am--and I am not a morning person. He told me to be at his place by 6:10. I got there at 6:15. The baby had spent the night alone with him for the first time in months...and immediately wanted to nurse. He was fussing and complaining. I looked at xh, and asked if it would be okay to nurse him for a minute.
He huffed, looked at the clock, and said "Might as well." He would comment every couple of seconds or so, things like "If I cancel my class, it will cost me money." And, "When I say 6 AM, it's for a reason. You are always late."
We leave a couple of minutes later. (With a happy, sleepy baby.) I get the kid buckled in, and he takes off before I'm buckled. Gee, thanks. I wasn't just in a car wreck. He looks at the gas gauge, makes an exaggerated sigh, says we won't make it to my job. Then he pulls into a gas station and just turns off the car, not moving. So I go in and pay for the gas, then get back into the car.
He drives me to work...
Doesn't say anything as I get out of the car. He drives off quickly.
When I get to my desk, I check the clock. It's 7:15. When we discussed what time to leave last night, he had said if he were done dropping off me and the baby by 7:30, that would be fine.
I know I'm taking some of it too hard. He was checking his watch a lot on the drive up, and I was just cringing every time. And I'm pretty sure he was doing and saying some things to make me feel more guilty. (Although, granted, that is an assumption.) I am okay with feeling badly about it.
All of that is irrelevant. How do I handle this?? I'm not sure how to respond. I know there's some secret response that I'm supposed to mind-read that he doesn't realize he's not communicating effectively to me. I've gathered that from previous arguments. (He'd yell things like "Why don't you try to make it up to me?" Which would leave me confused...)
I suspect, even though he's volunteered to help me out, and keeps saying he doesn't mind, he's still feeling either over-extended or taken advantage of. But that's just a guess.
So I'm generally in a foul mood. I am afraid I will take it out on xh.
I still don't know what happened to the other driver, and I am worried about her. I am worried my insurance wasn't enough to cover all of the damages to her vehicle. (Hey, I'm a single parent...the vehicle was the minimum to be legal...)
I am also worried about leaving my little boy for a day and a half. I know he will be fine. He and xh have such a great time together! I will be driving another vehicle halfway across the country, which is the best solution (it's paid for), and I'm worried about things like how well the baby will fall asleep, how well he'll sleep without me, my milk supply, not enough milk already stored, pumping while on the road... It's not that I'm a mommy milk snob, but at this point I don't have the freezer full of milk anymore, and he never really liked formula. And, this far down the nursing road, my supply is very regulated...meaning there just isn't any extra at non-nursing times of the day.
I do wonder if this anxiety is related to aftermath of the accident. It probably is. I have to admit, I have a lot more sympathy for when xh's PTSD is triggered!
While I've always been careful to try and empathize with and not invalidate his feelings, it's been interesting to see it from his perspective, however briefly. I found the first day or two right after the accident incredibly overwhelming. I have calmed down a lot...but, still, it's a useful insight.
My flight is booked to my parents' city. I leave next Friday. Then I'll be driving back their minivan... In a way, I'm looking forward to the cross-country trip all by myself. I've never done anything like it. While I have made the trip with xh and my dad before, I think this will be fun! (And I should get some good thinking time in.)
xh has been in a weird mood. I notice when I feel sensitive he gets weird. I'm not sure what the cause/effect relationship there is, but the two go together a lot. Could I be triggering him? Is he triggering me? Are we just going in silly circles?? lol I suppose it doesn't matter; just don't know what to do to break the funk.
He started smoking again yesterday. sigh He'd quit for the longest stretch yet, but he's back to using that habit for his nerves. He said my 'being late' the other morning triggered him. He did, however, say he wasn't blaming me. I suspect it was more of the 'final straw', and may be more related to my wreck. Hard to say.
He also wanted to spend a night alone at his place last night. So that's two nights we haven't spent together in a row. Seems weird, after sharing the bed the last three months. But, whatever. I validated that he was tired (from school and running me around) and that he would get good sleep alone. All true; I really wasn't condescending.
xh also said he spoke to his mother yesterday. She is still pushing for him to reconcile with me. He told her he 'wasn't ready for all that' and 'now is not the time'. Back during our last separation, I used to validate his feelings but secretly cheer her on in the back of my head. Now I find it genuinely annoying she doesn't accept his viewpoint and his feelings. I told him he was right, and that it really isn't her business what our relationship is. If he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to. He's a big boy. He could even go out and actually date if he wants to. (Not that I WANT him to!)
I am getting sick of seeing JD's picture up in his leaving room. It feels like she's starting at me, lol. No, I don't feel like he's cheating on me or betraying me, it just really stings. And I do realize that I'm in a better position, not that I want to feel like I'm competing. And the woman is still married, so it's not like that would be a healthy R. But, still... I don't like the stupid thing looking at me. I noticed a new glass dragon beside the picture, but didn't ask.
xh was also wearing a new bracelet yesterday. I did tell him 'nice bracelet', but all he said was 'I thought so.' He could have bought both himself; maybe not. When he's in his weird moods, getting him to talk is like pulling teeth. So the lack of a full response doesn't mean anything, really. He could have easily purchased both items.
He also did tell me JD will definitely be buying the cake for the baby's party on Sunday. I doubt she will actually be there, though. I don't really care either way...except that I wanted to have had more time at the gym before meeting her. Oh well. Guess I could always play the 'poor me in a car accident card', lol. (No, I wouldn't really do that.)
I also should do more to show my appreciation for all his help this week. I don't want to fall into the trap of expecting it, just because it's an easy habit. He could have easily said 'sorry about the car!' and left it for me to figure out. I was kind of afraid to say anything yesterday, since I thought he might go off on how I was late getting to his place. Instead, I sent him a text before I went to bed. I will try to do something else...but probably won't know what until I see how all of this accident/insurance/finances stuff shakes out.
One other thing I'm working more on is accepting offers of help or friendship. I had plans for Saturday, but had told the hostess that I might not go since I no longer have a car. She offered to pick me up. Old me would have found some excuse to decline. So I made sure to say yes.
Tried an experiment last night. I'm feeling much better (emotionally) since the accident, but things have still been kind of 'off' between xh and I. I know he's really stressed, so I tried a combo of things...
When he called last night to ask me to bring his car back, I made sure I was very friendly and sounded to happy to hear him. (Even though I was cringing inside thinking he was going to be mad.) I made sure to tell him when I got there how much I appreciated the help, that I knew he was going way out of his way, and how stressed it must be making him. It seemed to work pretty well.
I suspect my own fear of him being upset with me is causing me to act weird...which then fuels his weirdness...and it becomes that annoying self-fulfilling prophecy. I started thinking waaay back to the beginning of our R, and how I would have handled a bout of moodiness then. I would have been momentarily upset, possibly avoided him for a short time, then have just forgotten about it. So, I tried to act as if and follow that model again.
It seemed to have helped. He was still feeling funky, but he opened up and told me some of what was going on. As I had suspected, more drama with JD.
I don't hate her. Really, I feel sorry for her, and want to see her situation improved. Her husband is insanely controlling, to the point of being abusive. He did tell me she does have her visa now, so she is legal finally. This is a huge step for her! He was asking me for help looking up what she needed to do to be authorized to work in the US. (Next step toward moving out.) I also told him she should consider getting a PO Box set up--he thought that was a good idea, so her husband can't go through her mail. He also told me that she did buy the birthday cake--a really nice custom one with dinosaurs.
He really spilled last night. Was concerned his FF MY may be getting a crush on him. He said it's been weird around her lately, which made him sad, because he thought he had finally made a FF he could actually just be friends with. I had hoped so, too. I really hadn't gotten the impression he was interested in her at all. He's afraid their friendship may be messed up.
And, when xh was running myself and the baby home, he did mention he may not be able to sustain his friendship with JD. Said that if her husband's anger did turn physical (which we are both convinced may happen, if it hasn't already) and she doesn't leave, he won't be able to maintain that friendship, for his own sanity. He asked if that made him an ass. I told him no, since this situation with her is taking such a huge emotional toll on him. It's starting to be not healthy for him. I told him at that point, the best thing he could do would be to give her a list of shelters and then let it go.
I'm going out tonight. Actually out. To a bar. It's been almost two years. Do I even remember how to do this?? lol I am really looking forward to it, though.
Saturday night out was interesting. Five of us from the playgroup, and what do we talk about with no kids in tow? Kids. xh was more than happy to watch the baby for a couple of hours. He was surprised I was back by 10pm. Hey, I was tired...
It was weird, though. I actually found myself checking out guys. And caught myself actually a little interested. It scared the crap out of me. (Not that I even talked to anyone.)
Sunday was hard for me. It was xh's party for the baby's birthday. He had told me repeatedly I could invite some friends to the party, but I just couldn't I'm not even sure why, really. I supposed I had multiple reasons.
It wound up being me surrounded by a half dozen of his friends. (Although JD was not there.) Who all knew each other. And knew things about him that I didn't. No one was unfriendly or even awkward. I just felt really...out of place.
I can be a bit shy, anyway. But I had this overwhelming fear that I would be judged. On how I looked, how I acted...was I bitter, or angry or ugly? Ugh. Again, all mostly in my head.
But, part of it was xh has always had these huge walls up in his life. I could tell when he was pulling back again, because he would suddenly refuse to allow me to hang out with his friends. So, for the past year and a half, I have heard about these people and what they do. But...never met them. I felt this insane, and overwhelming pressure.
I also felt incredibly left out. They knew things about him that I didn't, things that had happened that I didn't. It really hurt.
I was very happy when my friend D got off of work, and was able to make it to the party.
Afterwards, once everyone had left, xh and I talked quite a bit. He's been opening up again more lately, telling me more about JD. At first I thought he had withdrawn because he was getting closer to her. (Yes, I know. Assumptions.) Now I suspect it was because of all the fighting while I was out of town. Anyway, he was telling me all of the latest with her. He also said he was impressed that I helped him do some googling to find out what paperwork she needed to be able to work in the US.
I did pick a fight last night. I have a hard time stopping myself at the time, but in retrospect, I recognize it's something I do when I feel my most wounded. I did catch myself before it devolved too badly...I wound up in tears in the car with xh as I was trying to go home. Ugh. Not good. He was trying to comfort me, but I wouldn't let him. I probably should have.
xh also told me last night that he was considering medication to help with the stress and other lingering symptoms. I told him I thought it would be a good idea--he could use it as a temporary measure, as he learned better coping methods for the PTSD. (He's already made huge strides in better learning how to concentrate. He may have ADD.) The only problem he has, is no medical insurance now. And, since it's a community college, there's no real medical center.
I was pretty wound up yesterday. Cried quite a bit. He commented that it had been awhile since I had been upset, so was probably overdue.
He did also mention last night that my car accident helped trigger his need to smoke again. Great.
Today I'm just feeling kind of low. I'm uncertain if it's still after affects from the car accident (money worries and such) or because my work out routine was obliterated the last week. I tend to be moody when I can't work out consistently.
So, I'm trying to be more appreciative of the stress xh is under, as well as allow him to (emotionally) help me more. It dawned on me earlier that I may still be keeping him at arm's length.
I recalled all the times I went way out of my way for him. Not that I minded, but it was a strain, and I just wanted to hear a 'thank you'. So, I've been making sure to thank him for all his help the last couple of days. I've also been making sure to say that I know how much of a stress this has been on him, and that it means a lot to me. I have to keep reminding myself that even though things are very comfortable between us, he certainly isn't obligated to help me.
xh called me between classes to see if I needed to go get some electricity later, since I had mentioned I was low. (Yes, in Arizona, you can actually pre-pay for electric. It shuts off when you run out of money.) I made sure to thank him for his concern, and tell him it meant a lot to me. One of my biggest complaints was that he always seemed more worried about everyone else. Not that I minded he worried about his friends, just everyone always came before me. So, I want to make sure he knows that I really appreciate the consideration.
I forgot...but yesterday xh told me he still hasn't recovered from xow. I find this both surprising and not. It's been over four years, and I can honestly say thinking about her has no affect on me whatsoever anymore. He said he still can't forgive himself. Not sure what to say to that.
I also finally spoke to the insurance lady. The accident has been deemed my fault. The other driver is okay--it sounds like her injuries weren't too severe at all. However, my coverage is about $10K short of the damage done to her luxury car. Ugh...
Hi azhira. Just thought I'd say hi since I see you are from AZ as well. Wish there's a DB support group in AZ. That'd be nice....
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
It's been a couple of weeks, and my hormones are making me nuts. There have been a couple of opportunities, but the baby was awake, so no go. Anyway, I tried the only thing that I can...I reached over the baby to rub his shoulders last night.
Bad idea.
He jumped and tensed up. Whoops.
I apologized to him this morning. His comment: "You should know better than to touch me when I'm asleep." Ugh. Sometimes the massage approach works, sometimes not. Timing must be bad right now. It's so hard to know what I can/cannot approach him. So I'll just stay backed off, and wait until he initiates. He will sooner or later.
I suspect he was distant and weird because I was feeling needy. But I don't know.
