I think it describes MLC quite well:, i hope it is ok to post it here as i thought it would help people, especially newbies.
written by soboldandsassy
Midlife summary
Your H has probably been a classic conflict avoider, perhaps also passive/aggressive, he stonewalls and clams up rather than discuss a problem. Let's just say he is emotionally challenged/handicapped.
Your H was probably raised in a strict environment and was not comfortable expressing his feelings or he was shot down when he did. He learns to stonewall and keep silent rather than talk about what is wrong. Read Scott Wexler's book on Passive/aggressive behaviors and you will discover how your H was complying on the surface, but internally he was storing and accumulating resentment over his whole life from childhood on. Right now he is like an alter personality. For years you only saw his nice side, now the other side is out in full force - he's selfish, nasty, competitive, narcissistic, etc.,etc.
Your friends and family will not even believe you b/c they are not living it. It's so bizarre that it's hard for people to understand.
He enters midlife with its hormone changes, and the serotonin levels drop in his brain (the feel-good chemicals) and he feels badly and very confused. The only other time in his life he experienced this biochemical moodiness and unhappiness was in his teens. We women experience those hormone changes monthly and we learn to talk about them - men don't.
He literally flips out. If he/she leaves his/her family and spends money like crazy, then he turned the midlife transition we all have into a crisis. So here we are - men and women whose H's and W's lack the coping skills to understand this part of their life. Some come out of it if they invest the time to look inward at their lives and their feelings. Some stay messed up and act like an immature, selfish person the rest of their lives.
Somewhere about 40 for men and 35 for women they begin to become aware they are aging. It is not a welcome thought and they are not happy about it. If you think back you probably saw your H distancing emotionally over the last year. Maybe he changed hairstyles, clothing, went tanning, he changed careers, bought a new car, bought a new anything - motorcycle, etc. He may openly talk about his younger days or he secretly holds those thoughts in his head. You ask him what's wrong and he say nothing.
He feels like he has always taken care of everyone else and he is on responsibility overload, he wants to feel "different," so he works out, some run marathons, others spend money, but nothing works. He's searching trying to solve his problem by himself. He points the finger at you and he tells you all sorts of ugly things. He tells you you're too fat, too thin, not exciting enough, and on and on.
You in an effort to stop this madness begin to try and change these things to make "him happy." That does not work either b/c each thing you change - he invents another thing for you to work on. Until you realize what is happening and you tell him that this is his problem and you stop the craziness. You should listen to him b/c some of the things he says will be true and it is important for him to finally get his feelings out, but do not internalize his every comment.
Mixed in with the truth are lots of lies, but your H's thinking is so distorted while in the depression that he actually believes the lies he tells. It is his reality. He makes you look like a monster to his "new group of friends." He's feeling so much guilt that he needs a way to convince others that its you who is bad - so bad that he must run from the marriage and get a divorce. The new friends have no idea of your past and they encourage him to start a new life.
Often the escape symptom is another woman (OW) and many of us have survived that part of the process.
Sorry to tell you, this is a gloomy journey. It will take every ounce of strength you have to get through it if you decide to wait for the crisis to end.
Prayers to you...(unquote)
Does this describe your husband/wife/partner?
Me 34 H 33 D3 together 10 years married 2 years Bomb 22/8/06 (I feel empty) OW involved
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
What I saw in my H was that for the last few years he has wanted to build a house so bad. After the bomb, I found out he wanted to build that house so bad, because he thought it would make me happier and in turn, make him happier.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Here's another one that may interest you. This is a man's blog who is going through mlc and almost out the other end: http://www.uksouth.blog-city.com
I found this on the 4060 forum yesterday.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
What I saw in my H was that for the last few years he has wanted to build a house so bad. After the bomb, I found out he wanted to build that house so bad, because he thought it would make me happier and in turn, make him happier.
My H said the same exact thing regarding the decision to have our second son. He said "I thought it would bring us closer". Gosh, these MLCers sure do read from the same script!
Right now he is like an alter personality. For years you only saw his nice side, now the other side is out in full force - he's selfish, nasty, competitive, narcissistic, etc.,etc.
Your friends and family will not even believe you b/c they are not living it. It's so bizarre that it's hard for people to understand.
This was my H. This was my life for 2 years. There are no better words to describe it.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
