Saturday night out was interesting. Five of us from the playgroup, and what do we talk about with no kids in tow? Kids. xh was more than happy to watch the baby for a couple of hours. He was surprised I was back by 10pm. Hey, I was tired...
It was weird, though. I actually found myself checking out guys. And caught myself actually a little interested. It scared the crap out of me. (Not that I even talked to anyone.)
Sunday was hard for me. It was xh's party for the baby's birthday. He had told me repeatedly I could invite some friends to the party, but I just couldn't I'm not even sure why, really. I supposed I had multiple reasons.
It wound up being me surrounded by a half dozen of his friends. (Although JD was not there.) Who all knew each other. And knew things about him that I didn't. No one was unfriendly or even awkward. I just felt really...out of place.
I can be a bit shy, anyway. But I had this overwhelming fear that I would be judged. On how I looked, how I acted...was I bitter, or angry or ugly? Ugh. Again, all mostly in my head.
But, part of it was xh has always had these huge walls up in his life. I could tell when he was pulling back again, because he would suddenly refuse to allow me to hang out with his friends. So, for the past year and a half, I have heard about these people and what they do. But...never met them. I felt this insane, and overwhelming pressure.
I also felt incredibly left out. They knew things about him that I didn't, things that had happened that I didn't. It really hurt.
I was very happy when my friend D got off of work, and was able to make it to the party.
Afterwards, once everyone had left, xh and I talked quite a bit. He's been opening up again more lately, telling me more about JD. At first I thought he had withdrawn because he was getting closer to her. (Yes, I know. Assumptions.) Now I suspect it was because of all the fighting while I was out of town. Anyway, he was telling me all of the latest with her. He also said he was impressed that I helped him do some googling to find out what paperwork she needed to be able to work in the US.
I did pick a fight last night. I have a hard time stopping myself at the time, but in retrospect, I recognize it's something I do when I feel my most wounded. I did catch myself before it devolved too badly...I wound up in tears in the car with xh as I was trying to go home. Ugh. Not good. He was trying to comfort me, but I wouldn't let him. I probably should have.
xh also told me last night that he was considering medication to help with the stress and other lingering symptoms. I told him I thought it would be a good idea--he could use it as a temporary measure, as he learned better coping methods for the PTSD. (He's already made huge strides in better learning how to concentrate. He may have ADD.) The only problem he has, is no medical insurance now. And, since it's a community college, there's no real medical center.
I was pretty wound up yesterday. Cried quite a bit. He commented that it had been awhile since I had been upset, so was probably overdue.
He did also mention last night that my car accident helped trigger his need to smoke again. Great.
Today I'm just feeling kind of low. I'm uncertain if it's still after affects from the car accident (money worries and such) or because my work out routine was obliterated the last week. I tend to be moody when I can't work out consistently.
