Obligation: Any act by which a person becomes bound to do something to or for another, or to forbear something; external duties imposed by law, promise or contract, by the relations of society, or by courtesy, kindness, love, etc.
You are the second person who has disagreed with my belief that we are obligated to care for the needs of our spouses. You seem to believe that what I am suggesting is that your wife consent to sex with you when she would rather be tied and beaten. That is not what I am saying. Your wife...just as you did, became obligated to you as your wife to do what was in her power to care for you and your needs. That obligation is based on doing what is needed to keep her marriage healthy. Not only so that you can be satisfied and contented but so that she can also. In the marital contract we have a definite obligation to stay aware of the state of our marriages and to willingly put forth the proper effort to keep the marriage a satisfying one.
No one wants to sleep with someone who views it as a chore. No one wants to live with the daily knowledge that the person who vowed to love us and "cleave" unto us has so little concern for us that they will dismiss our pain. Loving someone unconditionally does not mean letting them off the hook when their actions are hurtful to you. I think it is great that you can accept part of the responsibility. The only problem is, until your wife accepts her part you are just spinning your wheels. You are acting on your obligation to your wife and your marriage and yourself. Until she decides to act on the obligation she has to her marriage, you and herself you won't see much of a change in her attitude.
I don't think you read my entire post. I think you latched onto the word obligation and dismissed the rest of what I said. I didn't suggest you become argumentative...infact I suggested the very opposite. Getting angry and becoming an a#*hole won't help. There is a big difference between destructive anger and assertive anger. You can get angry and stand up for yourself without accusations, blaming, name calling and hurt feelings.
I'm glad that you think it helps knowing how ohers have dealt with the problem. I dealt with it the same way you did. I wavered back and forth between calmly discussing the issue to getting angry and argumentative to ignoring it all together. I ended up divorced. Depression most of the time is nothing more than anger turned inward. All that hurt just turns into anger if it isn't dealt with constructively and in proper time.
I commend you for wanting to stay on the path you are on. What I hope you understand I am trying to say is this...staying on it too long will do more harm than good. Stay with it until it starts to do harm not one moment longer. I wish you well. Cathy
