Sooner, I can empathize with your perspective because I have been there. I know the pain you speak of and the depression it causes. I lived this kind of marriage for 13 years and by the time it was over I was in a clinical depression, suffering from panic attacks and had no self-esteem.
I did all the things you are doing. I thought if I were prettier, didn't talk about it or when I did talk about it choose my words very carefully that it would help. I never got angry about it and when I finally learned that communicating it in a caring way did no good I became silent and withdrawn and lived in denial. I tried focusing on other things, shoulder the responsibility for the problem, looking inside myself to see how I was contributing to the problem. I tried everything I knew except righteous anger. Oh, I got angry, yelled him right out of my life one morning. I got angry after years of bottling it up inside and hoping for a change.
Michele is right when she suggests you get angry but be careful because anger comes in many forms and if we aren't careful it works against us instead of in our favor. You may not realize but all this pain and feelings of rejection that you are harboring will turn into some very unhealthy anger. The depression is a symptom of it all and will only worsen if you don't act in a more productive way.
In my opinion your wife has a problem that you are internalizing. You are doing all the work at fixing the problem which leaves her off the hook and you baring all the burden. When we percieve that our rights have been violated we get angry. When we stifle that anger we become depressed and resentful.
You feel that your wife is not properly taking care of your needs. You have the right to be angry but after reading your posts you don't seem to believe that or else you fear her reaction to your anger at her neglect. When you give into that fear then not only is she neglecting your needs as a husband then you are also neglecting your own needs. That is a double whammy!! What you may not realize is that by avoiding her anger by not standing up for what is yours rightfully is doing grave harm to not only you but your marriage also. Being assertive...in a kind and loving way with your wife about YOUR hurt feelings is not a self or unloving thing to do. When we express our pain and set limits on what we allow others to do to us we are inviting in resolution and solutions to problems we aren't hiding from them.
Your goal should be to get what you need from your relationship with your wife by respecting her and yourself. I understand you wanting to stay with the goals you have set and think you should but if after a certain period of time you do not get the results you desire you have to be willing to be assertive with her. If you don't anger will grow and instead of using it constructively it will begin to cause you to behave in a negative manner.
Please put some thought into what Michele has said. Also do some searching into your own heart as to why you fear the "sex argument." Your avoidance of that subject with her...although you think is the right thing to do may be causing more harm that good. Cathy
