The anger was from finding out that W was going to Germany when my daughter indirectly told me ('no, you don't need to walk me to school today - it is Mama's last chance before she goes to Germany). It felt like being slapped. After both kids were then gone to school, and we had two hours together, we hardly spoke.
I'll let her get to the airport on her own, but have hidden the (single) car key just in case. She can stay in Germany as long as she likes - doesn't even need to come back really.
I'd like to close her account access, giving her 50% of whatever is in them now, as soon as legally possible. Ideally this would inconvenience her (shall I turn my cheek, which was the advice the pastor gave me when we married, once again, even in the face of such blatant treatment?) Do you know exactly, NH, when this is here in Sweden? Is it the day you filed? The day the court says the countdown to D starts? I am thinking of going to a lawyer again, while she is in Germany, and preparing everything (it would be great to keep the house, which I could afford to carry the mortage on, if she is willing to just hold on to her half as an investment, but also no longer live here; perhaps the lawyer can make a good case that such an arrangement would be good for the kids).
I am not sure I want much communication after the D. A friend of mine has maybe spoken 10 minutes over a total of 10 years with his ex-wife. I certainly don't want to physically see her anymore and would ideally like to erase her from my consciousness (I do the same with other things that have hurt, basically hardly ever thinking of them). Yes, the kids are important, but this doesn't imply much communication beyond what problems are they having in school/life that I or W can help them with. It may crimp my business travel, admittedly - we need to come to an agreement on that.
I find it very hard to imagine an anger free state, where we can just cordially work together, ever again, not after being screwed over so deeply. On a deeper level, I am thinking of larger things to do now that 50 is closing in, and Buddhism with its detachment is attractive. Perhaps this will give me some peace (nearly every night I wake up at 2 or 3 and lie awake, unable to escape the b-lsh-t I am dealing with).
It will be good to have been the one who stayed kind and true to the end, and be the one who was spurned. It will be cleansing, I think and hope, to finally flush her out of my system. Anything to hasten that process would be very welcome.
I am not a confrontational guy, and probably won't fight back. Perhaps it would be good to do so. Swallow the bitter pill, say nothing, turn the other cheek - again and again and again.
The kids are an anchor, though my daughter misses my still W when she is not with the three of us. It will not be nice to tell them about our splitting up (should I do this? isn't it my wife's problem? but then she controls the narrative).
Can you recommend a dating service? I can't imagine going to bars again, trolling for women, and would like to more efficiently find a new person.
Playing the hollow game - street lights on dark water -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
