looking back, my H was in a mild MLC/depression. There was no OW thankfully, he would just sit about and look depressed. Life held no enjoyment for him. Yes our R was bad, **I** was doing things wrong (shouting, demanding, pressing the guilt button) but those things I manage to avoid on the whole now.
I've noticed about me as well ... I'm a massive procrastinater. I used to blame other people/things for getting in my way, stopping me doing things. Now I realise the only person stopping me getting off my butt and cleaning the house/filing those bills/painting the hallway is... ME. I fully believe my first stop in solving any problem whatsoever is me. I will look to myself to see what I need to do, then if I need help from others I will identify what that is and ASK for it. Not demand, ASK.
I am just so proud of you. It seems you were both in depression back then and I remember your self-esteem was low then. But YOU decided to do something about it. And you did. That took so much courage and determination.
That determination was not matched at first by H - that caused him to lag behind. Plus I bet he did not *trust* your changes or maybe he even *feared* them b/c we all fear change to some extent.
I think getting on and at least journaling what's going on and how we're feeling and dealing w/ certain sitches that are going on NOW not only help ourselves, but help others going through their own sitches as well.
This might sound horrible, but a lot of times when I'm feeling down or frustrated, etc., I think about other people's sitches here and remind myself where I WAS and where I/we are NOW and just feel grateful and blessed that we made it through and aren't back where we were almost a year ago.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
This might sound horrible, but a lot of times when I'm feeling down or frustrated, etc., I think about other people's sitches here and remind myself where I WAS and where I/we are NOW and just feel grateful and blessed that we made it through and aren't back where we were almost a year ago.
that doesn't sound horrible AT ALL. I do that a lot - it helps me so much to see the progress made. 1 year ago - i was in IC, depressed, hated myself, felt like life was hopeless and everyone hated me. Now I really do like myself and it feels so good.
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
I guess I just don't like feeling like I'm somehow getting some "good" out of other people's bad. As in I read some of the people here that are still having such a hard time and think "man, I'm glad I'm not there anymore," but I still feel bad that they are still there.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
On Friday, I finished work and was ready for a BIG unload of "what a week i've had, blah blah blah" etc etc. Poor H was ill with a cold and wasn't in the mood for talking, just schlomping on the sofa.
I had arranged to meet a friend in town for a couple of drinks and a meal.
Old me - would have stayed at home with H, trying to "make him feel better" and not getting my need to chat met.
New me = left H at home, went out with my friend, got my need to chat sated, H had a good time at home with the TV and a nap.
Result = everyone wins!!!
I am glad now I don't feel i "have to" do things like stay at home with H when he's ill, that by going out I'm not being a bad W, in fact quite the opposite!
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Good for you! Honestly, piecing or not, your number one priority MUST be taking care of YOU. If YOU aren't meeting your needs, you cannot be of use to anyone else.
I still feel guilty sometimes, but then I remind myself of how resentful, impatient, and uncompassionate I am if I'm not in a good space. The best way to be loving to my H is to be loving to ME first. It's only then that I have anything to give.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Oh dear - guess who thought they were emailling one friend with the words "I incurred a lot of credit card debt when H decided he didn't love me and wanted a D - thankfully that nasty episode is behind us now" and accidently hit "reply to all"?
EEKK!!!
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
OK, I am feeling a lot of bad feeling towards H. He's done nothing wrong lately, but I KNOW he did "nothing concious" to get himself out of his depression, while I worked SO DARNED HARD on me ... I can hold my hand on my heart and say that I will never again be that horrid, mean, scared, lowly person I once was and when i feel myself slipping back there I have the tools to get me back to my wonderful self pretty quick.
I can't say the same of H. What on earth is to stop him slipping off into another alien baby mode? it's all going great for him right now, but I just wonder what will happen when the [censored] hits the fan again - will he just fall over?
he's just come up while I was typing this and asked what was wrong, had he done anything etc etc. i told him I would tell him in 2 days (the 48 hour rule, no point me making decisions of any kind when i'm like this, I need a cool head) then he started apologising that we're not going out and he's watching the rugby world cup final ... I just told him that the rugby is no problem and asked him to stop trying to guess what the problem was, i'd tell him in 2 days as I promised. ARGH!!! Whay does he STILL think he's a mind reader?
Sorry - I feel a bit bad posting this when there are others on here still trying to cope with having their still beating hearts ripped out of their chests (I have yet to come across a pain so intense as when your spouse tells you they don't love you and want a D). I suppose I am posting as a piecing record, I notice not many hang about after piecing, could be "woo hoo I'm happy don't need that site anymore" or could be "i just want to forget it happened and focus on the future". Am I clinging to the past too much? Or is this just a symptom of H's method of "no talks" during our bad times, when I had to push all my needs aside. Am I just bitter? Am I clinging on to the past? Do I want some kind of revenge? ARGH!!!!
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
I'll post more later, but I've been "reliving" my whole D sitch lately too. It seems nice for them to just go on "as if" nothing ever happened and we are/were the ones to work so hard to keep it all together and still have the recurring "nightmares" of what happened.
I'm sticking around too in piecing, as I don't ever want to forget the lessons I've learned, although it is kind of difficult at times b/c, like you said, I don't want to step on any toes by being so incredibly happy that my M got a second chance as others are still going through what I went through.
I think we have a fine line to walk as far as "clinging to the past," as we don't want to continually dwell, but also don't want to ever get ourselves in the rut we were in which led to the whole nightmare to begin with.
I think we have a RIGHT to be a bit bitter at times
Revenge, nah, but at times I think we wish they had even the slightest idea of the feelings we had to go through during the whole D sitch. It was entirely different for them.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
