MPT, I'm female and dealt with this problem in my marriage. I was the one with the higher sex drive though so I can see it from the other perspective plus put a female spin on it I think. You said that the low desired partner is bombarded by the fact that they are the one with the problem. I suppose us partners that are having to deal with the pain of rejection do feel that you guys are the problem. Not because you are less or defective but because we know the pleasures of sharing ourselves with the ones we love on a regular basis and feel that your "problem" stims from not being able to experience those same pleasures.
No one points fingers and says you are wrong for not wanting sex. What is being said is you are missing out on one of the great pleasures of life. I will be honest with you and tell you that I think your argument...I'm tired, I'm focused on the kids, my libido is lower than yours or any other excuse you can deal with is a cop out for not wanting to acknowledge that you might need to change your attitude or look into the fact that there could be a physical problem that is causing your lack of desire.
The desire for sex is a natural response to somoene you love. If you find yourself lacking sex wiht the one you love then there is something wrong. That does not make you less a person or bad but it should motivate you to find a solution to whatever it is that is causing the lack of desire.
I'm going to assume that when you said, "boring, messy, icky, tedious parts of life that you were referring to housework, child raising and such and not sex with your husband. God, I hope that isn't how you feel about sex with your husband. If it's housework and child issues and all that life hands us on a daily basis that gets in your way then maybe you might try prioritizing and letting go of someo of those things in favor of putting energy into feeling closer to your husband. If that is the way you feel about sex then a change of attitude might help...sometimes, icky and messy can be fun!
You say the best sales people find out what motivates their customer. I've done a little marketing myself and have learned that if a customer isn't motivated to buy my product then no matter what sales pitch I give them they are not going to be interested. I'm not sure though that sex should be compared to trying to motivate a customer. As a husband or wife we have a right to expect our spouse to be attracted to us or at least concerned and caring enough about us to want to share intimacy with us. 1 Corinthians 7:3 says "the husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband." As children of God we do have a duty or obligation to give what is needed by the other spouse and we have a right to expect the same in return.
This is the bottom line....If for some reason you find that your desire differs from that of your spouse and in such a way that it causes you to withdraw from them in a sexual way then you are the one with the problem. The spouse who wishes to share that part of themselves with their spouse is only wanting what was vowed to him/her on the day they married. To tell that person they are being unreasonable about their expectations is demeaning, dismissive and shows a lack of love and caring for the feelings of the person you swore to love and honor.
Yes, if a spouse longs for a kiss he should fully expect that his wife would be willing to kiss him. If he is a respectful, loving husband then she is OBLIGATED to share herself with him sexually and if she lacks the desire she is OBLIGATED to take responsibility for the hurt and problems it causes. To feel otherwise would mean breaking the vows she took with him. Cathy
