Thanks for your response to my post above. There are some definite similarities between your situation and mine. So I read your post as you asked and tell you my thoughts. There are a lot of things I thought about when I read your post. Don't know if I can get them all down here or not before I get interrupted, but I'll try. Keep in mind all of this is from my perspective and could end up having no relevance to you or your wife's perspective.
1. Everything about our culture says that if your libido is low there is something WRONG with you! Why is there more "help" out there for the low libido person? Because it is perceived as THE PROBLEM. That's the message your wife is getting from the media and other sources. (I can't tell you how many times I've read in Dear Abby that if you don't have a sex drive you need to get yourself to a doctor or a therapist. You're sick!) Yeah, your wife may say she thinks you have the problem, but is there a chance that she's actually pretty worried? Is it perhaps hard for her to admit that to you? If you've been having arguments over sex and some blaming has been going on, it's pretty hard for the person who is feeling blamed to say "I'm actually really worried about this." So what do you do if your wife might actually be more concerned than she's letting on? You have to find a way to make it safe for her to express her own fears to you. No hint of "I told you so!"
2. A bit of an attitude change about "helping" around the house, etc. (Ahem...soap box please). You're not "helping." You're shouldering your share of the adult responsibilities. You may see what you've been doing as points in your column. She may see what you've been doing as exactly what you should be doing, sorry no extra points. So IF you're doing those things just to have more sex, it may not work. IF you're doing those things because you've accepted your responsibility for them, then I would think that was great! BIG step in the right direction!
3. She may be turning away from your cuddling in bed at night because she thinks it is another overture to sex. Try going for a walk and then part way through it ask her if you can hold her hand. Smile, look her in the eyes, and tell her you love her...(and keep walking, don't try to pull her off into the bushes!) Do this often and she might see the added benefit of that extra weight, which she sees as a problem, coming off. I've also found that a multivitamin and exercise help my libido somewhat. Lots less drastic than medication. Plus they don't make you feel like you're "sick and taking medication to treat the problem." Once again, though, do this because you love and care about her, not because you want more sex.
4. As for trying to get her to read SSM: Hold off. I was highly motivated, already accepting the responsibility for finding a solution, I found and ordered the book, and *I* still got pissed off. Can't imagine what my reaction would have been if my husband had given it to me! The book tells her that she's the one who is the "slow one". I realize that Michelle doesn't mean that the one with the low libido is the stupid kid in class, but the analogy does nothing for making the low libido person feel real great about doing anything. (Sorry, Michelle. Maybe find another analogy about who sets the pace if you revise the book?) The point is, however, that the book is going to tell your wife that she's the one who is going to have to give the most, put the most effort into changing things because she determines how often sex occurs.
Now suppose your wife handed you a book, all excited, and told you that you really need to read this. In this book, you read that an active sex life is really not that important to a good marriage and your constant pressure on your spouse to have sex is really hurtful to her. In fact if she goes to someone else to get away from your pressure, it's largely your fault. Afterall, how could you expect her to be faithful or stay married to you under those circumstances?! (This is something of an exaggeration, but there is plenty of room for someone to interpret the message of the book that way.) Now, how do you feel about that book and your spouse?
You like SSM and it seems most sex-starved spouses do. There's a reason for that. It pretty much agrees with the point of view of the sex-starved spouse. I think it has some wonderful ideas, BUT...the low libido spouse is by no means the favored child in the book. You need to communicate to your wife that you're not saying "See, I told you so! Mom agrees with me. Na, na, na, na." (Can you tell I have young children?) And you might want to have her first read the parts where Michelle has a thing or two to say to the sex-starved spouse and his/her contribution to the situation. Then, when your wife reads the parts about herself, she might not feel quite so picked on. You've already mentioned that your wife feels criticized when you tell her how you feel.
4. Sometimes focusing so much on a problem makes the problem worse. Take a break. Not from sex, that's already happening. Take a break from thinking about the problem so much. Instead spends lots of time thinking about all the things you love about your wife and your marriage. Tell her. Let her know the good feelings you have for her. In Gottman's research on marriage, he has found that the magic formula is 5 to 1. For every negative communication between you and your spouse, be sure there are at least 5 positive communications.
Best wishes, MPT
P.S. Sorry for the length. I told you I had lots of thoughts.
