Stories don't always end

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Beingme,

just caught up some on your thread as I've been seeing your posts for awhile now. I'm in piecing and have a 26 y/marriage. I've related to some of your sitch, particularly the focus on H's career and in many ways probably allowed it too great a role in the family's happiness. You know, despite my h's schooling/training/profession, in the end it IS just a job. Seriously. And I noticed that many of your activities for GAL are solitary. I wondered if you could add one that involves meeting more people? Have you noticed whether the reading and writing you do also revolves around your H or the M itself? See, that may come off as a bit smothering, or at least not true GAL since it is still all about him/his feelings/the M.

Does this make sense? I don't mean to carp but in this regard you remind me of my younger sister and when her M did end, (and yours may not, by any means) my sister was empty. She had no identity outside her relationships with her family. Thus, when a relationship ended, part of her died and not much was left behind.

Remember that we are models for our children. No matter what a man (spouse etc) does to us, or when he is away, we still live. We can't let other's choices ruin OUR lives. IF we do, we have zero control over our happiness and that can't be God's will.


We cannot let our pain become emotionally fatal nor allow it to go on indefinitely. Our pain must end and we have to end it. I say this b/c I have 3 kids including a 10 year old and because of her, there were days I had to really pick myself up and dust myself off and move forward.....forward motion....maintain forward motion....etc.
Someday each of our children will face a setback or betrayal, and they'll recall seeing the way we handled our body blows.

They watch us more than we realize, no matter what their age. I also agree that for many men, and maybe women too, "working on the M" means not filing for divorce or leaving. But in some ways I think that's because they want US (the LBSer) to "do" the action, to take responsibility for the M or its' demise. That way they "didn't do anything wrong....". It's cowardly and passive aggressive, or they're totally clueless. I doubt the cause makes much difference. The question is, are YOU alright in this M without effort from him? You cannot assume effort that you don't see. In fact, all you can assume is that you'll get more of the same, UNLESS you do see change.

Can you handle more of the same? What can YOU do for your life? What if your h died and the grief period had subsided? What would you be doing with your time if you weren't spending it thinking about him? Can you do any of those things now? Just asking. Take care, and congrats on the new baby!
j-

[BeingMe]

25yearsmlc - yeah, I understand what you're saying. I do try and get out, and do stuff to meet new people. Not as much as what I do at home, so I think I should increase those activities. I am not sure how much more I can take. H isn't sure what he's doing wrong, and feels he can't win with me. He doesn't seem to get what I mean when I try and communicate my feelings to him. He always says I twist his words, but from my perspective, I am just trying to translate his words and actions into something I understand, and doesn't care to explain things in a different way. Ugh! I think I'm just tired of even trying, and I still don't trust him, and that's probably the crux of the problem.

Anyway, I am heading out again, for a week. Will be in Olympia, WA for the weekend, then off to Alberta in Canada, then home on Friday or Saturday. Hope the roads are clear, and there's no road works.

Take care, y'all. And, Happy Thanksgiving for all the Canadians on the BB.

[ACJ]

Congrats on the baby.

Have you and H considered counselling (either for the first time or again?). It's got to be better than doing nothing

[Amy]

Hi Just stopped by your thread to say hello. I have no advice as I am spiralling out of control by the minute but... I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you. I now have made my home on the were separated section of these boards.

Hang in there ((HUGS))

[whatisis]

Being Me, if communicating with him in the way you are isn't working, try a different way! If he feels like he can't win then he's heading for shutdown and that won't work for ya either. Brainstorm it and try something new, wild and different. Freak him right out!

[Phoenix_spark]

Hope the trip down south went well. Sorry I couldn't help you out in a timely manner. That getting back to old "turf" must have felt good. Let us know how things went.

[whatisis]

Being Me, what's new? I'm thinking of you!

[Phoenix_spark]

Just checking in too. Hope the trip went well. Did you have luck down in Olympia? I'll check in during the weekend and see what I can do for you. Wish me luck, long story.

[BeingMe]

Thanks, Phoenix, and y'all who posted. We didn't find anything, so we are still looking for an occasional room to rent when H is in town for work. We can't establish a post box unless he has a local address with his driver's licence. Ugh! It's always something. We don't want to rush into buying anything until we see something we like, so we have to take our time and look around more.

The trip to my previous city to visit my D20 and new baby went okay. I am worried with her staying with the idiot BF (he is abusive, and is putting on a good act right now), but there is nothing I can do. My grand-daughter is so cute, and sweet and I am dying of worry for her. I am pretty tired since I dropped H off at SEA TAC lunchtime on Sunday, then drove west, slept overnight and arrived in old town the next evening. Then drove all the way back, to fetch H at SEA TAC, then we slept at the ferry terminal and arrived home on Saturday morning. I am quite exhausted, physically and emotionally.

Oh, and D14 just became D15 today.

Anyway, got a week's casual work this week, so I had better get some sleep. Take care everyone, and I have been reading and catching up on your sitches, and will post later in the week.

[Phoenix_spark]

I'll dig a little harder and find something for you guys when I get home.