Well...thought I would do some journaling and release some excess emotional feces from probably the only thing that spouts out correctly
For a couple of months I have been embroiled in my own self contained, constructed drama. I have been questioning the need for sobriety, I dont feel healthier, sharper or more at ease. I have questioned my direction in the workplace (which came to a head after my fortieth birthday). I have questioned every thread of my existence and have only confronted more questions.
I am now 100 % positive I am at the same exact spot my M was in last year just before the bomb hit. I had thought I made improvements but none of them stuck. I am taking entire responsibility for my M if it finally emits it's last breath.
My W birthday weekend happened and it was an utter disaster. I had been coming down with some sort of flu-cold that my W had had and one of the kids. This always brings turmoil in my home when I am sick because of two factors...One- It is always doubted that I am TRULY sick ... TWO- never as sick as my W...Let me just say when I am sick...I just like to sleep...I dont need meds, I dont need people hovering over me...just leave me alone. I also am not the person that has to be the SICKEST person in the house, but if I am not feeling up to keeping up with some things then that is all I ask...one day is all it takes. W felt this a slight. With her new job she has been having to work overtime and has been getting home late from work each night. I feel terrible but I have been feeling a lot of animosity for this. I am left doing all the shuffling of kids, domestic chores and it seems taht all her attention is directed at her new job. Our washing machine died and I was unable to fix it so I bought a new one. It was supposed to be delivered fri...unfortunately I was 10 minutes later getting home (had to stay late as well because several people didnt show up at my job) so I missed the delivery. It wont be delivered until today. Mind you tehre are literal mounds of laundry that need to be done (our kids treat clothes like costume changes...they go through at least 2 ensembles a day) That was the last straw when my W called and said that she again would be 2 hours late. Meanwhile I had been trying to coordinate a birthday dinner with her family and some of her friends to show up and was coming up NIL. No ones schedules cooperated so I felt like a complete schmuck. I bought her a nice watch, her favorite cheesecake from the "Cheesecake Factory" and still nothing was happening on the dinner. I was dizzy, vomiting but still trying to keep the house together to no avail. I was very angry at my W over the phone and told her that I think it is very unfair for everyone else to pay for someone who wasnt capable to do the job they were hired for. (the reason she worked late was because her partner didnt know how to do a lot of what was asked)...Understandably, she didnt react well at all. She tore into me about how I was envious of her career advancement, wanted her to fail and that she was doing this for the family's sake...so we could have more money... I told her that we need to have a new refrigerator, just paid for a new washing machine but all that she mentions she wants to spend her money on is BOTOX treatments and now the latest her LIP INJECTIONS. I stated that "I" and the family were VERY comfortable with her appearance and that isnt for the families sake but for HER sake. From there on, the weekend tail spinned into an utter hell. My AA meeting again brought turmoil and was said that I am needed at home more and that I dont get anything out of anyway. So I went to the meeting and said that I would no longer setup and most likely not attend it anymore. They werent happy about it (more because they didnt want to set it up themselves). I went home to the usual household tubulence and told my W that she didnt have to worry about my Sat meeting anymore, I gave my notice...she just said "yea, right. You always say that." and then walked away mumbling under her breath how "No one cares about her birthday". This post has become even too long for me..in a nutshell, she had told me her parents werent coming to the dinner I planned. So when we got there I told the hostess that we could be seated right away since no one else is showing up. 15 minutes later her parents show up and we had already ordered our food.
I paid for dinner and we went home for cheesecake. I was still not feeling well and there is more to the weekend than I can relay...muddled and murky....I really believe my M is near completion...not that I really want that but I feel I dont want to be around anyone at all. I stayed up until about 2:30am last night because the little was cranky and I thought my W needed some sleep for her true "birthday" today. I guess my half a$$ed present as well. I had to get up at 4:30am for work so a little punch drunk...My children are pi$$ed at me, My W is and I right now wouldnt mind a little time on a isolated island..we are still sleeping in the same bed but "cold" it is....so a long post that doesnt really need to be responded to...just trying to see if my self-esteem has any breath...peace
