Hi everyone--Thank you, ST, for the encouragement. I appreciate it, because I am really struggling with the question of whether I am cut out for this!
I am now living on our small farm alone--our D20 is in college and our S17 and H moved out in the same week. (S is at a free boarding school for science/math geeks. H moved to an apartment.)
It is not a working farm--we have the pasture leased out to a neighbor for his cattle, and I have some chickens, an elderly horse, some dogs, a lot of mowing with an old riding mower that my H used to fix for me about once a month, and a 50 year old tractor that I have never touched...I have gardens that have been basically my job, with significant help from H--a vegetable garden, asparagus, herb garden, rose garden, perennial flower gardens, etc.
Here is the problem: I can give this some time before making drastic changes, but not as much as this probably will take. We raised our kids in this home, and I love it, but I can't really "drop the rope" living out here. It is too much for me to manage, and after all these years of living with my family, it feels isolated and lonely. It is a 25 minute drive to town and my friends.
I have thought about getting a roommate, but there is nowhere good to put one! The house is a small 3 bedroom house, and it would mean putting someone in one of the kids' rooms, which are about 9' by 12', right across the hall from my BR, and often used by our kids when they are home...
My H asked me to wait until Christmas before pushing to sell the farm, which is what we would need to do for me to afford a nice, small place in town. However, it is really obvious to me, from reading these boards, that to really resolve this is going to take a lot longer than that.
I don't want him to decide to move back because of logistical reasons--that sounds like it would be premature, and would probably not work. (Sorry to say, I really think he has a long way to go in this MLC, and I don't want to live with his depression/irritability/blaming/resentment any more!)
In a lot of ways, I can tell that DBing works--I already see some positive changes. I changed my behavior, and his behavior changed. However, I don't want to live out here alone for more than 6 months or so, and I am facing the practical questions of getting a job, and still keeping up the farm and managing our rental property (significantly mortgaged, so please don't assume I am rich!) The rental property is a part-time job in itself, the farm is a part-time job, and I have always paid the bills, managed all the paperwork--all!--and been the mom who handles all the details of holidays, shopping, cooking, etc. This would be a huge upheaval!
So, this is the problem in a nutshell--his time frame and mine do not match. He may need years to make his journey, and I can't see how I can wait more than about 6 months before I need to move forward by selling the farm (which could take a year in itself) and moving to a place I can manage.
H has told me that he will "help out" around here, but meanwhile he has also told me that he wants to be free to date other women. That sounds crazy to me--I can't see being the back-up plan for long, before I need a lot more space from him!
There is something about being put in this position that feels cruel. I know he is depressed/desperate/hurting, but the lack of empathy is stunning! I don't want to humiliate him by making him feel ashamed of himself--I know he already does.
But finally, this is my Q: Are ultimatums sometimes appropriate? Or maybe just informing him when time (from my perspective) is getting short? Is it really helpful to give the "I will be here forever, no pressure..." impression, or to be honest and realistic about how limbo is torture, and I will at some point move on?
I have avoided these topics like the plague, lately, mostly because I do not want to hear any more MLC talk, when it is so insulting, particularly when it involves him telling me he doesn't love me enough to stay, or that he feels the need to see (what a euphemism!) other women. Meanwhile, it is obvious that he is drawn to me, and misses his home...
I appreciate anyone's thoughts--I am discouraged, even though I understand that there are many positives...
