For my own situation, I am creating (in writing) a "scorched earth" policy for dealing with this. It's a list of things that I intend to do in the event she files for divorce. Some are minor (stop wearing wedding ring), some more significant.
I, too, am growing weary of the charade. My wife also needs a wake-up call. The things that I have in mind will indeed wake her up. And they may drive her away.
I agree with THeo saying that you are truly detached when LBS is at peace and ready for a D. I feel like I am (almost ready). Nowadays, I no longer cry so much, I keep thinking whatever happen I will be OK. I still treat H nicely because I know I love him. But I also understand that if he cannot quit OW, I will no longer live in thsi situation and I will leave. H knows that now (or I hope he knows). I no longer take his threats of D. If he wants to D, that's fine with me. In short, it is what we always say here "I want to be with you, but I do not need you". You will know when you are at that point. There will be peace within yourself. It is different from giving up on the M. I still want my M and I still work towards restoring the R, but I know where my boundary is and I no longer fear letting H knows that I will walk if he does not end contact with OW.
Well, I wrote out this really great post and someone walked in and I had to get off the computer... Soooo.... In response to your post Theo, I am weary now as well. But, I am also doing much better at GAL. I am picturing myself more and more as a single person and trying to act more in that way.
I told H that I would willingly give him a divorce and have left him to think about that. I am friendly when he is home but I do not call or e-mail or put forth any effort to connect. If he's home when we have dinner, fine.. if not, that's ok, too. He's been really distant again since the middle of last week. Who knows what he's thinking.
I am trying to wrap my head around the fact that divorce is going to happen. And, with that fact stated, my heart has to catch up and that's the hard part, isn't it??
The thing is that I KNOW I will be ok by myself. It's not what I have ever wanted but, in the end I'll be fine.
LO, You are right, you will be okay, it may not be the life you choose, but you will make it. We LBS have to look at life that way, if not we would not be able to function properly. It takes a while to get to that point, but you are real close to it. We have to remember we can only change our attitudes and not theirs. So the best thing to do is to have the healthiest attitude we can muster, and it looks like you are doing a fine job.
Continue doing what you are doing, you are going semi-dark and letting him know that your life does not revolve around him. You are a strong woman and you will be fine. He will start to see that.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
My question ... Does it matter how you tell spouse that you've had enough? LO has told H she will give him a divorce. Is that the ideal approach or should you tell spouse that "I love you but I've had enough. I don't want to live like this anymore. I want a D." Or does the approach even matter?
Hi, I just read something during my lunch break that fits with what Theo said, "I think it will be the bomb of your willingness to leave him that will probably shake him out of his complacency":
**Sometimes it takes the threat of losing something to make you realize its value. Sometimes they need to walk to the edge to realize they don't want to jump. Until they feel compelled to leave, they may not realize they are happy where they are, and want to stay.**
I would add here that we may have to resort to pushing them. I guess this would be considered a LRT?
Does it matter how you tell spouse that you've had enough? LO has told H she will give him a divorce. Is that the ideal approach or should you tell spouse that "I love you but I've had enough. I don't want to live like this anymore. I want a D." Or does the approach even matter?
I told H that I couldn't live like this anymore. I gave him everything that I could and it just wasn't enough. My H proceeded with the D rather than come back...he couldn't face his own demons.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
