Don't feel bad. I'm home with a small child and it's just about bed time
I actually registered on this site before H confessed to the A. I had a feeling something wasn't quite right.. *sigh* Then, I spent a couple of months freaking out. So, officially.. yes, I guess I have been doing this since January..
So, where's the progress? hmm.. I guess we are better friends now than we were and we are not at each other's throats. Other than that... I dunno... I'm probably at a better place to move on with my life.
I'm probably at a better place to move on with my life.
That is a good thing ... one of the reasons we're all here. You deserve a gold medal for your perseverance. I believe this quote fits well!
"Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use."
In all my reading/research about affairs, I read this ... not sure how factual it is but it's something I think about: If a WS does not leave marriage for AP within 6 months, they probably never will.
So I keep that in mind, and the fact that my H is still here, and yours, too, right? So here is another quote that fits us DBers so very well.
"Sometimes your greatest asset is simply your ability to stay with it longer than anyone else."
If a WS does not leave marriage for AP within 6 months, they probably never will.
Interesting.. Haven't read that before. Maybe they won't leave the marriage but, will they ever leave the AP either?? Seems like my H is too scared to give up either at the moment.
Originally Posted By: JoieDeVivre
"Sometimes your greatest asset is simply your ability to stay with it longer than anyone else."
I've never had the desire to run a marathon but I guess I'm running in it anyway.. Problem is that I know ow will not give up until H is living in her house/trapped by her web of selfishness. I have no doubt that she will do ANYTHING to get him.
H is having really down day and I'm just trying to act "as if" and laugh and have a good time. I caught him looking at me across the church... I just smiled and he smiled back. All of these things that I used to take as "positives" seem more like "neutrals" these days. If H still doesn't want to commit to our M with all of these supposed positives, then I don't know that there is really anything else I can do.
LO, It sounds like you are on the right track. Just remember don't try to "change" him, it's impossible. Just continue to be your pleasant wonderful self.
Hugs, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Thanks Yoyo. I really think my biggest problem lately is that I am sooooo tired of the lies. My sadness comes from seeing a man who has not acted with much integrity nor honesty for over a year.
I now see the ILY messages he sends me as BS; I see the check-in phone calls as guilt-driven; and, I see the hugs and kisses and intimacy as routine and emotionless. Am I being pessimistic or simply realistic??
You said you are better friends now than before, so that is progress. You seem down right now, which I can totally relate to. If you're like me (and probably everyone else here) you have good days and bad days, or sometimes it's a run of good days and not so good ones.
If we could only see into their minds? I'm with you... Sometimes I'd like to hit my H with a 2x4. I didn't have a good night (or day for that matter) so as far as being pessimistic or realistic, I can relate with you right now. Perhaps sometimes they go hand in hand.
Are you sure the ILY, etc are BS? If your H was having a down day, I'm sure that means he is thinking about things. My H is doing all those things, too. He seems to be genuinely sincere, but since he is still in contact with OW, sometimes I feel like it is BS, too.
Then again, I think about what the books say about the addictive power of an affair. If our H have not decided to end our M, then they're still not sure that we are not the person they want to be with. They may be waiting for us to prove them wrong, but we're not doing that, thanks to DB. And we have to live with that fog. Sooner or later they have to face reality.
Have you set any sort of time frame for how long you will DB? I'd like to set a time frame myself. But am not sure if how much time to give it.
Another good quote: When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
Hi Joie, I haven't set a specific time frame but have recently told my H that it's time for him to make a decision. That's when he told me that he knows he needs to decide but feels like he doesn't know which way to go. So, I guess I've been feeling really down because I am close to the end of my rope. If he can't decide soon then I will. It's just hard to think about not having that person there holding you in the morning.
On another note, I found an old e-mail from ow's sil. This is proof of my point that ow will not give up until she has her man. SIL stated in the e-mail that "ow will do anything to get what she wants. No matter who it hurts." Yah.. she's a scary one.
Good morning, You can only hold on to the end of that rope for so long. I think it's good that you told him it's time to decide. Maybe that will knock him off the fence. Perhaps the only way to get him to face reality, and burst the bubble, is if he moves out and experiences it first hand. I won't be surprised if that's what it comes down to for me.
OW does sound like a scary one. She will do anything to get what she wants ... no matter who she hurts? What a delightful human being ... NOT! But I see what you mean about her. You have history on your side, a daughter, a home. He obviously is thinking hard about giving all that up if he has not yet. And that may what helps him with his final decision. I think about that a lot myself.
I understand you have spoken to a DB coach and the strategy is GAL and try to connect with husband.
Have you decided with you coach how long you are to keep doing this?
I like the DB philosophy of doing something different if what you have been doing doesn't work.
DO you see small steps forward that will reasonably lead to him dumping OW? If do, keep at it. If it's not working, think of changing your plan.
Remember the DB philosophy always sees the cup as half-full. As long your husband wants to make love to you and is relatively nice, the DB coaches will tell you to hang on -- even if it takes 2-3 more years. Is that what YOU want?
OK...let's be honest, are you able to GAL in the current circumstance? I'm finding it hard myself. I've reached the point of being pretty much perpetually pissed off at my wife and very negative at home. I'm worn out. I've reached the emotional place where I'm probably pushing her out. I don't think I can attract her back anymore.
I've read some success stories where detachment only REALLY occurs where the LBS is really at peace with the end of he marriage and ready to move forward with a divorce. The WAS knows when this shift has occured. Because no matter how much "space" we give them, and how much "GAL-ing" we do they can always sense our fear, desperation and hovering. We are trying to win them back, and as long as that's the case, they will have all the powe and won't give up OP. When you are ready to move on, you are likely to see change in your husband.
Olive. I don't think your husband will make a decision. It's been a long,long, long situation -- he's not prepared to, or has any reason to. Why should he? He has two women who desperately want him and won't let go.
In old DB language, he's cake-eating.
You see...it was the BOMB of the OW that got you to reconsider yourself and your marriage. You are trying a nice, sweet gradual approach to winning your husband back. I think it will be the bomb of your willingness to leave him that will probably shake him out of his complascency. And Frankly, Olive, your husband needs a BOMB to change him. You are treating him like gold right now and he's still with OW Are you hoping for a nice gentle switch on his part from OW to you? He might -- but I think like all of us, he needs to sense he's losing something before he changes heart. He needs a good old fashioned epiphany.
I think I've said my peace on this Olive. Good luck.
