How is it going? Fred and I decided it was over and not worth fighting all the time. We told the kids we were going to get divorced and they were extremely upset of course. Then Fred said he hadn't realized I cared until the day we told the kids (because I was crying and I usually don't cry). Therefore he was willing to do whatever it took to make us happy. My mind was still going in circles and was so confused. My feelings were all over the place! The long and the short of it is that we are going to stay together until the kids are out of school and try to work on our marriage in the meantime. If it gets better by then, then of course we will stay together. If it doesn't get better then we will go our separate ways but atleast the kids won't be torn by it. Right now it's alot better just because we are not fighting all the time. That removes alot of the stress in itself. I just hope he can get his priorites straight, that's all. I want to be in a better financial situation and I want his priorities to go like this: 1--Kids.......2--Our family of four.........3--Me and 4--Everyone else (extended family, friends, etc.). He said he could definitely put the kids first (as he always does), which is great in my eyes, but he's not sure if he can meet my needs by prioritizing in that order. He said he likes to help people and that's why he's not sure if he can put me ahead of all of them if he feels they need him. So, that's one of our big dilemmas. Time will tell I guess. I am still upset that he let me tell the kids and got them all upset, then said he wanted to still work it out. There are many things I need to get over and deal with but it seems like he doesn't want to discuss those things because "we fight", which is another concern to me to "MOVE FORWARD". Things need to be resolved to move forward otherwise if ignored, they will revisit, that's for sure. So, I don't know what to do right now other than keep the peace. I hope you are still doing well. Talk to you soon, Laura
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
The first thing I would tell here is to come here! That is of course if you are comfortable with her here, also tell her to get the books...and go slow, and to be open.
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
If they work together H's attitudes to the order of things may well change. As may the W's.
It seems from what she has says things have gotten a bit better since their conversation so maybe she should give it some healing/truce time before working on resolving outstanding issues.
Spending some time on the boards may also help her.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Piecing with an H at home I think is harder than it is if we were separated. There are so many times that i thought it would be easier if we were apart then the pins and needles thought wouldn't be there so much.
I would suggest first that they go to a councelor. Your friend mentions a lot about what H needs to do but what about her? she can not be that perfect. She should look at herself and maybe her expectations of her H too.
I would suggest that they get the book the five love languages and read it together or separatly and do the test in the back and work from there. I would also certainly recomend the DR book.
Mybe they should look into a retrovaille weekend near them Iv'e heard they they help so much.
I'll have to think some more on the subject and post back but thats a start.
At least they know that they have to work on the M.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
What struck me straight off was the fact that she is trying to tell him how to prioritize the things in his life. That has to stop. If she feels neglected when he helps a friend in need, she is the one who has to figure out why she feels that way and how she can deal with it. I don't see how telling another person "you have to put me first or I can't be with you" is going to help anything. Life happens and sometimes other people need our spouse's help more than we do at that moment.
I have to agree w/ others -- first, if you are comfortable w/ it, tell her about our site here; secondly, hopefully from coming here, she will figure out she needs to look at herself before she starts pointing all the fingers at her H.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
it sounds as if she needs to re-examine the way she looks at things. I know, been there and done that for myself and a little bit wiser for it. I would suggest to her that it's time to look inward to herself, do some reading and educate herself a little more on the dynamics of the relationship and how to make a positive change. Unfortunately we weren't given the owner's manual to our own lives, so you have to learn as you go and make a couple wrong turns along the way.(made enough of those myself!
just_plain_hopeful
Anywhere's walking distance when you have enough time
To give up when all is against you is a sign of being weak and cowardly. --Chief Eagle, Teton Sioux
