NEWBIES ! Hope - list of restored marriages !

[poohbear]

This is by far the best thread started on this board. But I guess I can say that because of where I am today:

Summer 2004 - Caught my W in a lie. At that point, she asked that we attend M counseling. I agreed. We went to 12 sessions and seemed to accomplish quite a bit. Things appear to be going very well.

July 2005 - While I'm away on business and just finished working 40 hours straight with no sleep, W informs me over the phone that she wants to separate. When I got home from the trip, I begged ans pleaded for her to reconsider. She was very angry and I had no reason why. She stayed in the house for the next 5 months. It was extremely uncomfortable. The kids new something was wrong. I got the ILYBNILWY speech. She said she was unhappy for years. All the keywords you will hear from a S that is ready to get out of a M.

April 2006 - She moved out. She bought her own house. I agreed to 50% custody and payed her child support. The two older children got to choose who they wanted to live with. One decided to stay with me. The other went with W. Our S7 split time with us. I hated every day of that arrangement. Because of this arrangement, I saw her almost every day. I was dying inside. I lost 40 pounds and numerous hours of sleep.

December 2006 - She states she definitely wants a D. At this point, I dropped the rope. I decided I would live my life for me, and deal with the consequences of D when it comes. Because of Maryland law, she could not file for 2 years. I was not going to file, and was willing to wait for that long. I started just dropping the kids off without getting out of the car. I would stay upstairs when she came over to see the kids. Basically, I shut her out of my life. During this time, my well being got better. I was feeling better about myself.

April 2007 - W calls me to apologize for not being the W I needed or expected her to be. i informed her this is not the case. I never said she wasn't the W I needed her to be, until she walked out the door. During this conversation, she informed me she still intended to file. So I wished her well and said goodbye.

June 2007 - W calls again to discuss having a family day once a week. I told her I cannot do that because we are not a family anymore. That is how I truly felt. At that point, she wanted to have a R talk and get to the bottom of things. I agreed. The talks turned into courting. We started dating each other again. Things were getting better.

August 2007 - W has moved back in. We continue to talk about our R, but with constructive and positive results. It will take a while for me to regain the trust. I know this will continue to be an uphill battle. But time and faith will prevail.

I learned a lot from DB and DR. I learned that we should never stop busting divorce, because no matter what we want to believe, that option will always be there. I also learned how valuable I am to myself. I will never lose sight of that again.

God Bless

[Nature Girl]

Cinders, thanks for starting this thread! I really needed this today and I'm sure there are more days to come when I'll need to read it again!

[kissak]

Yes, thanks Cinders for starting this!! I still like to see that there is hope out there. I am still on my way to reconciliation with my H.

I dont remember the time line, but bomb was dropped in Dec 06.
Same OW off and on since.

Moved home part the way 3 times and all the way once. Back and forth at least 4 times.

Now Back working on things for the 5th time I think. Still not home yet, but there is hope. Starting to see him coming out of the tunnel some.

[missmyfriend]

I don't pretend to know everything because the fact is that I don't. But one thing I believe is that I messed up in my marriage and, while not completely at fault, was sufficient to be enough of a factor to encourage my wife to leave because she apparently had the propensity to leave. When I read all of these posts and the wonderful one I just read by "poohbear", I realize that I can never give up. And I need to remind myself that every day. If there is the slightest chance that my best friend and wife will ever return, I need to do whatever is right to get to that point. I have already made mistakes because of my emotions and the lack of change necessary to be the husband she needed. So, giving up would be compounding one more mistake on top of all the others that I have made. Anything else would be an excuse for me.

Thank you to everyone for their posting. Please keep them coming.

[Daybreak]

Message to JJ:

I hope that you can incorporate some of these situations into the Successes thread at the top of the forum. Although I have been at this for far too long (more than five years - my threads have been in the Piecing forum but recently started again after a very lengthy sabbatical), all of you who have persevered (and continue to persevere) have my admiration and gratitude.

[RedUmbrella]

Cinders -

It's so nice to see this thread. I know that sometimes hope is all that us LBS's have...at least it was for me on those hard days. When I thought I couldn't do it anymore.

So, here's my story - I'm just going to hit on the major points:

Summer of 2002 - H's Father passes away due to shady circumstances. He has difficulty coming to terms with it.

Winter 2004 to Summer 2005 - Due to medical conditions I am unable to work. Causes much stress in our family and our R.

November 2005 - H goes to Las Vegas for his company's 100th anniversary. H admitted later, that this is when it all started with OGW. He actually hung out with her on the entire trip, and passed out in her room! (Actually the whole company gets sent, with spouses...but due to our situation I was unable to make it.)

Thanksgiving 2005 - Yes the day of Thanksgiving, H drops bomb. Gives the ILYBNILWY speech. I am devastated.

Shortly after that, H starts going out with his employee. She's a lesbian in a relationship. At first it didn't bother me too much. But, after awhile it became a problem because he was spending too much time with her and NOT with me. He never invited me so I became suspicious. All through out this, H kept telling me she's only a friend. Nevermind that throughout our relationship, he said that men and women cannot...I repeat CANNOT be platonic friends. No matter if they are gay or straight.

Also, he was spending our money like it was water. Which left it difficult for me to be sure that the bills got paid and put food on the table. He even had the audacity to suggest I was stealing from him! He was heading to the bars with his OGW, texting her everyday, calls in the middle of the night, hiding his cell phone, and drinking on a daily basis. Our financial situation was not good. (All this time though I too was working full time.)

Jan 2006 was his birthday. I suggested that he go "home" and spend time away from us, and have fun. He took me up on that and headed there in Feb. And on this trip he took the time to "look up" ex gf. They didn't sleep together, but he did admit later that that was his intention.

So, while he was away....SS11 had a small crisis that I handled on my own without calling H. I made sure the boys were entertained and not wondering why their Dad never called while he was on his "business trip."

Then this is when things turned...

In between Thanksgiving of 2005 and Feb 2006, I had helped H face reality and go see his Dad's grave. Which he hadn't visited since 2002. I helped him try to grasp that it wasn't his fault that his Dad passed away. I also realized that H had been in MLC since 2002...so by 2006 about 4 years. This opened his eyes some.

So, in Feb 2006 H was on his way home from his trip. I had texted him saying that I was leaving work to go home. I wasn't feeling well. H texted back sounding panicked. He wanted to know why I was leaving, and what was wrong. I texted back telling him why. He texted back saying call him when I arrive home. So...with a sick feeling in my stomach I did.

H confessed to every thing. That OGW WAS the other woman, as unconventional as it sounds. All the times he went to the bar with her, he kissed her. He had gone over to her apartment, against my wishes. Spilled his guts all over to her.

Then he confessed about his ex gf. What his intention was, and that he did kiss her too.

H also kissed his friend's neice. 18 y/o mind you.....but still.

He said that he didn't want to be with anyone but me. That he's realized that I do love him and he realized that he loved me too.

That's when the real work began. No, my H never moved out. Yes, he was in "active angry" replay for 5 months. Seems short? Not to me. I do believe that he was in MLC for the 4 years previous. From February to April, there was lots of cycling.

H transferred positions to get away from OGW. They sat next to each other. Well, he transferred and so did she. Same department. Nice huh?

Trust is easily lost and hard to regain. Things are great now. It's taken me 16 months to regain confidence and trust. H transferred again, away from her. And got a big promotion.

Our M is better than it was before. It's been 19 1/2 months since he wanted back. And we'll be celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary in March.

H's been talking about moving out of state OR having another child. We're waiting till the beginning of the year to decide.

It does happen. Patience, unconditional love....and hard work.

RedUmbrella

[Imageer]

Cinders, Great thread! Refreshing from all the negativity that has been around lately.

RedUmbrella, I don't know if you have ever posted to Grace_O or not but she is going through a similar sitch to you where her Husband is still at home. She has been having trouble lately and could probably use your insight.

[care]

Another DB Success in the works...

My Story (roughly):

May/June 06 - H acting funny. Staying at work until all hours, sometimes all night. At one point says he needs to think about things.
July 07- I check his email and find a letter to OW where H expresses his undying love and devotion to her and lists their game plan to be together.
Aug 07 - I loose my job. H continues to spend time away from home and tells me that though it is over between he and OW, (she broke it off), he is done with us. I start IC.
Sept 07 - Find DBing. Read everything I can get my hands on.
Jan 08- H agrees to meet with my IC as part of my counseling. Basically to agree how to tell the kids. My IC becomes then our MC.
March 08- H stops going out every night and is just hanging around the house more.
May 08- H goes on a business trip and calls from the trip and tells me he loves me and misses me.
June 08- H verbally recommits, though he still has the philosophy that love shouldn't take work and that you should just know what the other person wants/needs if you love them. This is a topic for H in his IC sessions.
August 08- It's me that is having a hard time moving beyond as the contact with OW is constant. H feels that it is holding us back.
Sept 08- H and I go on a cruise together and really connect.
Oct 08- some slippage in making our M a priority with the kids schedules. But we're both aware that it is happening this time.

We're still working on our communication skills and building intamacy in the way that we both need/want it. But we're both commited to making it work.

[SallyM]

care, can I just say how nice it was to meet you this past weekend. I feel pretty hopeless about my own situation, but hearing about yours makes me feel happy somehow. happy for you definitely, but also like its not over for any of us until it is over.

[care]

Ditto Morgan. I'm up in your neck of the woods often with my boys playing hockey at both the rinks in town. Would love to get together with you again.