Your last message seems to hold a great deal of anger. You're going to have to find a way to let that go. Simply stating that you won't support her in her affair activities is all you need to say when she asks for a ride to the airport.
Don't mention anything to her at this point unless you feel the need to make her aware of the change in your financial control. Legally she has a right to your joint accounts so it's better to just create a new one and move money to it. Like I said before, show compassion, but no trust.
Luke, There's nothing wrong with letting her find her way to the airport alone, no explanation is required. Don't let the anger cloud how you deal with her in the separation though e.g. vindictively closing bank accounts. I know it's tempting to do. Remember it's the kids that matter here not getting back at her. Even when separated you two still have to get along and raise your kids as best you can, whether single or together. I try to keep that in mind with my own sitch, it's tough sometimes, I know. I too went through the anger stage and started verbally striking back at her, I don't know whether you can avoid it (or whether you should even try) but just try to be aware that the anger is there and very real. It's a tough stage to deal with but all I can say is that I've been through it and I survived, you will too!
The anger was from finding out that W was going to Germany when my daughter indirectly told me ('no, you don't need to walk me to school today - it is Mama's last chance before she goes to Germany). It felt like being slapped. After both kids were then gone to school, and we had two hours together, we hardly spoke.
I'll let her get to the airport on her own, but have hidden the (single) car key just in case. She can stay in Germany as long as she likes - doesn't even need to come back really.
I'd like to close her account access, giving her 50% of whatever is in them now, as soon as legally possible. Ideally this would inconvenience her (shall I turn my cheek, which was the advice the pastor gave me when we married, once again, even in the face of such blatant treatment?) Do you know exactly, NH, when this is here in Sweden? Is it the day you filed? The day the court says the countdown to D starts? I am thinking of going to a lawyer again, while she is in Germany, and preparing everything (it would be great to keep the house, which I could afford to carry the mortage on, if she is willing to just hold on to her half as an investment, but also no longer live here; perhaps the lawyer can make a good case that such an arrangement would be good for the kids).
I am not sure I want much communication after the D. A friend of mine has maybe spoken 10 minutes over a total of 10 years with his ex-wife. I certainly don't want to physically see her anymore and would ideally like to erase her from my consciousness (I do the same with other things that have hurt, basically hardly ever thinking of them). Yes, the kids are important, but this doesn't imply much communication beyond what problems are they having in school/life that I or W can help them with. It may crimp my business travel, admittedly - we need to come to an agreement on that.
I find it very hard to imagine an anger free state, where we can just cordially work together, ever again, not after being screwed over so deeply. On a deeper level, I am thinking of larger things to do now that 50 is closing in, and Buddhism with its detachment is attractive. Perhaps this will give me some peace (nearly every night I wake up at 2 or 3 and lie awake, unable to escape the b-lsh-t I am dealing with).
It will be good to have been the one who stayed kind and true to the end, and be the one who was spurned. It will be cleansing, I think and hope, to finally flush her out of my system. Anything to hasten that process would be very welcome.
I am not a confrontational guy, and probably won't fight back. Perhaps it would be good to do so. Swallow the bitter pill, say nothing, turn the other cheek - again and again and again.
The kids are an anchor, though my daughter misses my still W when she is not with the three of us. It will not be nice to tell them about our splitting up (should I do this? isn't it my wife's problem? but then she controls the narrative).
Can you recommend a dating service? I can't imagine going to bars again, trolling for women, and would like to more efficiently find a new person.
Playing the hollow game - street lights on dark water -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Luke, I'm with ya! I got a small yellow sticky note saying "gone to Japan" and then she has the nerve to call and ask if there's anything I'd like her to bring back! Been there, done it, guy. Does it feel good? Hell NO but what do we expect from the S's we've got, really. Should we be surprised that S's who have stepped outside the M would go away without telling us? I don't think so. So, feel the pain and let it go. Think about what Luke is going to do for Luke while she's gone. That's my 2 cents anyway. Oh, and the anger will mellow too, believe me. I know it feels really intense right now and you can't imagine it fading but it will...honest! So don't do anything right now because it will be based on anger...wait a bit. OK?
Thanks for the cool down message - it made me feel better. Good to know that things improve with time. Here is an update of since then.
I was uncommunicative all of yesterday and this morning, after the surprise going to Germany discovery, culminating in another talk with W 2 hours ago, started by her. She was mad about the idea of having to leave our (1880s, being renovated) house unfinished, said she was going to finish what she had started and invested so much time in (not with my money, but I didn't say that). She was mad that I "had had a good time at work while she stayed at home" (but I've bought her 5000$ worth of job stuff over the last three years, helped with her work, and encouraged her to get a job). She then reiterated that she was not the right type of woman for me, that I needed someone softer, and that she would be glad if I found someone, that I would then be happy again.
The whole thing turned into a how sad it is to have to lose the house (I proposed she move out, but got no reaction), how much better it would be for the kids to stay here, and why don't we both just tell the kids we love them - and others outside the marriage - but not each other - and then things will be okay.
She said that if I couldn't we happy running the family 'as a company', then we would have to D. I then told her I had filed, which surprised her - she thought you have to file jointly.
I told her I still loved her (she never said once she did in this talk, or even have feelings for me) and that I could not turn off being hurt by her actions. She said she wanted to find a man she could really love, apparently even the OM is not quite the right one. I told her if she knew a clever way for me not be able to be hurt by her, then maybe we could keep the house and the family (though 'just friends' between she and I). She came up with the usual get another woman solution and I told her that she knew my view of that, maybe after the D I would start looking.
She told me she was at peace, but knew I wasn't. I told her I wanted to know what is going to happen before my 50th birthday, maybe find a little peace and lower my blood pressure (which has gone up 30 points over the last years).
My impression was of her being partly honest, partly wary and not honest, but always wanting to protect the status quo. Maybe the best to hope for is not too many fights until the D is final, though I imagine the financial cutoff will get her goat.
I am still going to continue the D process - nothing is really changed - will see a lawyer this week to find out about being able to keep the house -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
I wanted to know what is going to happen before my 50th birthday, maybe find a little peace
My impression was of her being partly honest, partly wary and not honest, but always wanting to protect the status quo. Maybe the best to hope for is not too many fights until the D is final, though I imagine the financial cutoff will get her goat.
Luke
OMG Luke,
For the most part I have a feeling I will be writing what you wrote later today. Pretty much the whole letter sums up my sitch (except my house is newer) but the last part really struck home.
Good luck Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Luke, did we marry the same woman? Here's another tip, she will carry on about all the ways you have let her down, inconvenienced her, messed up her life. She will go on and on about it because she needs to deal with HER guilt! She can't take responsibility for her actions therefore MUST lay it on you, "if you had of been...I wouldn't of had to..." She may not come out and say it but, believe me, it's there. SHE stepped out on the M, not you and she friggin knows it! You will be the lashing post, trust me. My response was to lash right back and I outright told her "I'm not taking your sh!t anymore!" Now, we've cooled down and are better at splitting up things but her resentment still seethes and I'm presently just letting it go as long as it doesn't become outright hostile and rude, hard to do! Don't let her put you in a reactive position, look to being proactive in whatever way will work for you. The rollercoaster is just beginning, buckle up my friend...and, yes, it will get better. You WILL get through this! Oh, by the way, because you filed that now makes YOU the bad boy, in her eyes anyway. Just grin and bear it. Welcome to the club!
Yeah, I had a feeling that this was just the tip of the iceberg, that the hard stuff is still ahead, oh boy... thanks for the reassurance, and yes, I will wear a seat belt.
W is on her way to Berlin and she says unsatisfactory OM now, getting to the airport herself. She asked whether she could text message me, I said yes, then she walked out, calling bye, I said bye back, not turning around, and she was gone.
A week of hopefully less marriage stress - and I will go see the lawyer, if possible, to gird for the next round - dividing up the house, company car, and financial split stuff - preparation and professional advice seem key here -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Very interesting thought by LarryL regarding affairs - paraphrasing -
"let them spend as much time as possible with OP, as this quickly erodes their fanstasy vision of the affair... though this is very painful ...affairs are almost always time limited ..."
an interesting silver lining to a spouse being with OP. Perhaps this natural erosion (my W already said the OM is not the love of her life), plus having filed for D, telling her this just before she left for OM, and radio silence from the kids and myself during her absence will have a beneficial effect?
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
More on the anything to keep the status quo thing:
"Why don't we have a family conference and both tell the kids that we, while no longer in love with each other, still very much love them and will stay with them, in this house. We will both be seeing people outside the marriage. Tell them this is natural and not to worry. They are big enough to handle this".
I don't think so, dear -
Luke
ps. am thinking of proposing the following deal to my craftspersonly wife, who has not much income, a weak point:
o we keep the house, she just as an investment, and moves out. o She can work on the house when I am not here (she wants to finish renovating the place, having already put in 8 years). o I only finance that which will make the house more valuable than what the improvement costs. Anything else is her business. o I pay for her apartment rent, this if her income is less than some amount. o not sure if I should pay her half of the mortgage - could perhaps offer to loan her this.
That way the kids have continuity, we both keep our investment, she has a free apartment and she can still fix up the place. Does that sound reasonable?
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
