Forrest Gump and his box of choclates.

[waterlily]

Forrest:
Just so you know I think that you are doing an amazing job. I know that none of this is easy but at least you have the guts to try. Thats nore than alot of people can say. No matter how things turn out at least you'll be able to look at your kids and say "I really tried". Will your wife be able to say that? And you will be a better person for all of this even though it really sucks.That is what I'm learning. No matter what happens I will be ok and you will too. Although I hope that we both get what we want in the end. Your kids are lucky to have you. I wish everyday that my dad cared about us the way that you care about your children. Just remember that everyone is here for you and you can handle whatever is thrown your way.
All the best. Talk to you soon

[Forrest Gump]

GD I will respond with this.

My wife is the one who wants out not me. I pay all the bills on the house. She works 2 nights a week makes maybe a $100 bucks a week. I am paying for the cell phone that she texts and talks to OM on. Plus the bill has doubled since she really started talking to him. She has basically thrown me out of my own home. I am esentially the babysitter on the days she works. I at 36 am living with my Mom and Dad. The reason that I am living there is because my wife thinks I am being selfish in asking her to leave. If my best male friend ever did anything like this to me and then expected me to be nice about it I would tell him to F**k Off. To say I resent her a bit at this point is a bit of an understatement.

I took the high road when I left. Thing about it is that 3 weeks ago things were going well not perfect but well. This request for me to move out and give her space came from out of the blue. If I tell someone I want space that means I will come to them when I am ready. In my mind she just wants me to let her do whatever she wants to do while I act like nothing is wrong. To do that is really really hard. I am human. I do have feelings.

She still has not admitted any wrong on our situation. She has said she has had a EA but no PA but that I pushed her to it. Of course I have listened. I have listened to "I don't know what I want". I have said I understand so much it has become part of my vocabulary. Hell I tell the women at work I understand.

So I started this responce yesterday. Was at the beach with kids. Finishing it tonight. I had a great weekend with my kids. I get home and my D13 says mom wants to talk before you leave. I get the kids unpacked and settled. I ask my wife whats up. She says to me do you have any money? I said no. I left Friday night with $43 in my pocket. I came back with $10. She worked Thurs and Fri night. Sunday night she is broke with no gas in her car. Let me just say. WTF. Here is the woman that has told me ILYBNILWY. Asking me for money when she is living in the house I am paying for. You know what. I felt bad about getting pissed off about it. A big part of me wanted to say "where did your money go?". I told her yes I would give her money. I felt like a douchebag saying that.

I went by the house to pickup some paper work to fax on the house. I had her sign it and she followed me down stairs. She says to me "What is wrong with you". I did not go the route you think I went. I just simply said "I am watching my family fall apart and there is nothing I can do" She started crying and said she could not deal with this and went inside. Should I have said nothing is wrong? I love my life. Its great. I am so happy. Well that is just not me. Wrong as it may be as Divorced as it may get me. That is not me. I did not get here because I spoke what I felt. It was exactly the opposite that got me here.

The guy that my wife married was carefree. Spoke his mind. Enjoyed life. He was fun to be around. She convinced me that she did not like that guy. I bent. In bending I was resisting. Anger, resentment, jealousy, all the stuff I am not became what I am right now. You know I never expected my wife to be anything other than my wife. She wanted me to change to suit her. She forced it she complained about it. Now the guys that she is clinging onto are exactly what I used to be.

I dont want to be a better man in my next relationship. I don't want a next relationship. Never have ... Never will. I want to be the best man I can be in this relationship. Have I made mistakes. Hell yes. Has she? Hell yes. Does any of that really matter. No.. We both know we made mistakes. Question is what are we going to do with it.

I am sorry if this feels like a rant but maybe it is.

I have been treated better by people that hate me. To me and going back to what GD said I gotta be the old FG. See what you did not get GD was that FG was me back in the day. Maybe 6-7 years ago. I am "Bubba" now. Talking all the time about my shrimp. And the many ways you can cook it. Forrest was always one to stand out. It did not matter how "retarded" he was he always stood out. Good always followed him. "Jenny" was his true love. Everything he did was about her. If he realized it or not. I claim the name FG simply because he is likely me. I am a simple man. I enjoy life. If I am not good enough for you, then so be it. Forrest knew Jenny was the one for him. Jenny had to "find herself". "Jenny" "found herself" in what she was not looking for. When it comes down to it I am not looking for much. I want someone to love me for me. I want to be me. If me is not good enough or me can't make mistakes. Then what good is me. Me was good enough 13 years ago. Why is it not good enough now?

[littlebitlost]

Forrest

You are good enough but you can always be better and if it isn't you, then to use your analogy, then it 'jenny' (your wife) and she needs to find her. Let her but don't stand still while she does it. For god sake do something for yourself because you deserve it.

[Gone Dancin']

Okay Forrest, I can see that you are angry, and it is my opinion that as long as you stay angry simply because you are "right," you are going to have a lot of difficulty in both DBing and growing into a better person.

My wife is the one who wants out not me. I pay all the bills on the house. She works 2 nights a week makes maybe a $100 bucks a week. I am paying for the cell phone that she texts and talks to OM on.

This may sound harsh, but do you want a cookie or a box to put it in? How many people do you think are in the same situation? A few months ago I paid off my W's $23,000 student loans without her paying a penny. I continue to carry her on my car insurance and pay for it, pay the cell phone bill, pay ALL of the daycare expenses, etc. I'm giving her money tomorrow so she can buy her own Halloween decorations to decorate her and her BF's house with the kids.

You are not the only one in this situation, my friend, and as long as you continue being bitter and selfish about these choices your not going to accomplish anything. Either stop doing it or do it with unconditional love. Don't let the anger from it consume you.

I took the high road when I left.

So you think doing it momentarily is good enough? You have to be consistent with this, as well as with your changes, if you expect her feelings to change and for YOU to change.

Thing about it is that 3 weeks ago things were going well not perfect but well. This request for me to move out and give her space came from out of the blue. If I tell someone I want space that means I will come to them when I am ready. In my mind she just wants me to let her do whatever she wants to do while I act like nothing is wrong. To do that is really really hard. I am human. I do have feelings.

This statement showed that you are thinking all about your needs, and not about hers -- it was the same thing when I quoted your statement from another recent post that, "when we talk she actually listens." Yes, of course you have feelings. But expecting your W to address them and meet your needs at this juncture in time is unrealistic and likely only going to push her further away. There is a time and place to do this, and that time and place is when she comes back and shows a committment to reinvest 110% in your M. You have to be PATIENT, brotha.

She still has not admitted any wrong on our situation. She has said she has had a EA but no PA but that I pushed her to it. Of course I have listened. I have listened to "I don't know what I want". I have said I understand so much it has become part of my vocabulary. Hell I tell the women at work I understand.

This tells me that maybe you really DON'T understand though -- it tells me you're angry with her and that when you listen to her you're really thinking, "Yeah, yeah. Blah, blah, blah." It doesn't sound to me like you've taken responsibility for your roll in the breakdown of the M. An EA/PA is a symptom of a bad/failing M, not the cause of it. Look for what you contributed to this failing M instead of focusing on how bad SHE has been and has been treating you. Yeah it sucks what you're being put through, but you've got to nut up, my friend.

She says to me "What is wrong with you". I did not go the route you think I went. I just simply said "I am watching my family fall apart and there is nothing I can do" She started crying and said she could not deal with this and went inside. Should I have said nothing is wrong? I love my life. Its great. I am so happy. Well that is just not me. Wrong as it may be as Divorced as it may get me.

If you're willing to go through a D via these actions, then I would suggest your willingness to do whatever it takes to save your M is lacking. Don't let pride interfere with what you really want (if what you really want is infact to save your M).

But you asked if you should've said nothing is wrong. I think you would've been better off "Acting As If" and not giving her reason to ask you what was wrong. Have you read DR? If so, read it again. If not, read it. Your sadness, sulkiness, mopiness, etc -- whatever it was -- is not appealing, attractive, etc, to W. You making her feel sorry for you -- feeling guilty about what she is doing is not healthy for creating a better M. She must deal with her choices on her own. If she comes back out of guilt from you before she has done the necessary work she needs to do, she will resent you for making her feel guilty, and your M will remain at risk. She knows how you feel -- now show her a man who will be okay and happy with or without her. Show her a man who has the strength to handle these changes in his life. That is much more powerful than the sad man -- and much more attractive too.

See what you did not get GD was that FG was me back in the day. Maybe 6-7 years ago. I am "Bubba" now.

Quite honestly, after reading your thread, I don't see you being even close to either one of these guys, but you obviously know yourself much better than I. I can understand some of the comparison's you make, but FG or Bubba wouldn't be thinking and behaving the way you are IMHO. You're being resentful and angry, and you need to accept what is and begin moving forward with what you can control.

I dont want to be a better man in my next relationship

Okay, then how about just being a better man -- period. If you get W back, that will be the icing on the cake.

Maybe I'm completely wrong, FG, but I think you've got a lot of work to do on you before reconciliation will be healthy.

Have I made mistakes. Hell yes. Has she? Hell yes. Does any of that really matter. No.. We both know we made mistakes. Question is what are we going to do with it

I would argue that it does matter BECAUSE you have to decide what you're going to do with it. They are part of the same equation. However, for now it is going to have to be what YOU will do with it, not what WE will do with it.

Take care, Forrest, and good luck!

GD

[waterlily]

Forrest:
I agree with little. Do something for yourself. The best thing you can do is take some time for yourself and enjoy it.

[waterlily]

Forrest:
Are you ok? Where are you? I hope everything is going well.

[Forrest Gump]

Yes Lilly I am still lurking around doing ok. I hear the baby is coming soon. Let me say "Congrats"!!

GD

I am not really sure why you think I am angry. Maybe I am trying to convince my self I am not. Maybe the angry tones comes from the frustration that I feel.

I get angry/frustrated because it seems like every time I start to go one way something pulls me right back in.

Prime example every time I tell her I am going out I have to give a detailed itenerary (sp?) about who, what and where. Even now living at my parents house. When I got back from the beach with the kids and she had no money after working 2 days and not having any kids to feed. I am wondering where her money went. I thought about it for 3 days. Now as much as I know I should not have I was talking to her on Wed and I said I am scared to ask but what did you do this weekend? She said it was irrelevent. More or less refused to tell me.

I kept my son Wed night and he spent the night. When I dropped him off this morning my wife said if you need to contact me send smoke signals. Her phone had been turned off. She is the Agent on selling our house. If she can't answer her phone then guess what. Our house won't sell. So I think about it on the way to work and decide that I need to get her phone turned back on. I call cell company long story short she went over her time. She doubled her typical bill. So I go to pay the bill and guess what I see. I really don't have to write it out. Does that make me angry. Yes. Can you really expect a different reaction? I still payed the bill.

The biggest thing is that everything thing that happens I have to pick up the pieces. I want her to stand on her own. She is a smart woman. I have always wanted her to stand on her own and be the woman I know she is. I find it hard to Act as If because I never get a break from it. This week alone I have had to handle the kids over the cell phone because she could not do it. I had them 3 of the 4 nights so far.

Alot of people have told me she needs "tough love". People are telling me I am crazy for doing the stuff that I do. I still do it. 98% of the time I feel like I should not be doing it.

I have owned what I have done. I was the distant husband that had NFC disease. She had it to. We had our timing together on that. I have had my EA not with another human but still. She keeps saying that neither of us has changed. To a point she is correct. I have become her. She has become me. The Role Reversal. 5 years ago if you asked my wife if she thought I had cheated on her she would have said yes. 5 years ago if you asked me if my wife had cheated on me I would have said hell no.

Fast forward to now .... She says she has realized that I have not cheated on her. She has cheated on me. The cheating does not really bother me as hard as that is to believe. What bothers me, makes me angry is that she can't be honest about it. She has said her plans were, time apart, hope to be back together by Christmas. If she would just step out and say "This is what I did" the reaction would surprise the hell out of her. She has carried the guilt on her shoulders for 4ish years now. I have asked. I have begged. Just tell me its not that bad. At least she would be standing up and owning her part.

[Forrest Gump]

Let me start with this afternoon I was laying in the bed at my house forcing my wife to hold me. I was curled up in a ball crying like a man who was hurt.

"That which don't kill me only makes me stronger"

How do we loose sight of who and what we are. I am burried beneath an obstacle that seems immovable. I want to move it. I long to move it. I can't. I see that what I have been doing is not working. It feels so safe. It's gotta work. I have never felt so alone in my entire life. I have wanted to be left alone so much and now I am. And I hate it. I was looking for the old me. The old me does not exist anymore. Dig as deep as I could I could not find him. He has changed. Sometimes I think for the worse.

My friend that I have been pulling away from called me today and said "I found a pimp costume that is all you" I told him I did not have the money to buy it. He told me "I am making new memories" He spent over $90 on me and took me out. I appreciate it so much. He wants me to be me. He has watched me stop being me. I squandered what could have been a great night. This GAL is what it is all about. It is F'ing hard to GAL under all this stuff. I peek out at times. I just can't seem to hold on. It slips away.

My wife told me today that she has no emotion. They are gone. Just gone. She is not sad or happy or anything. Funny thing is I actually believe her. I see it in her.

I am my own worst enemy. People can see the hurt from a mile away. It is very unattractive. Scary guy. He is the guy that just comes up and says "Wanna Do It"

I am spinning this night like you would not believe. Somehow this is gonna make me stronger. It is gonna make a better me. I hope it comes soon. That is the selfish part of me coming thru. Hell at this point I just hope it happens.

So many random thoughts I have. I am F'ing crazy. LOL

[littlebitlost]

Curling up in a ball? Why Forrest? I know sometimes you have to you and you KNOW the last person you should have done that with is your W. I know how she is feeling. I have sat in the very same spot with my h and held him. It made me numb. You go numb to stop the guilt of what you feel you are puttign someone through, you go numb to stop the pain of knowing what you are putting someone through, you go numb so you dont have to think! I KNOW, I have been there.

Those raw emotions scared me more than anything becuase I did not know how to stop his pain and believe me even though at the time I felt I was SURE (and at the time is the key phrase here because look at me now) I still LOVED him with all my heart. I just felt not in love.


You have to let your W go to really get her back. She HAS to see you in a different light. Say to her...that is the last time you will see me like that, you know how I feel and what I want but I will not push or talk about it anymore, today is the day that I am truly letting you go. When I said those words to SPS he took notice.

YOU HAVE to be strong and dedicated and determined. I spent alot of time crying in the car. Pick a spot, go there and let out all the self-pity and then be FOrrest again. It feels like b*llshit when you are acting all bright and shiny and happy but it wil start to feel good. Your W will have alot of changes to make wihtin herself as well and you have to give her time to realize this and to make the changes, otherwise you will never be in the same place again. You need to be in the same place to be together and to stay together.

Be interested in how she is, what she is doing, she of course and you have said it to me yourself, will be suspicious and not believe the changes so make them lasting and permanent.

You can do this forrest.....start taking your own advice for crying out loud!

(((((((Forrest))))))) XOXOXOX hugs and kisses too (on top of the cyber hug)

[Forrest Gump]

Let me just say I felt like a complete idiot doing it. I get the I have no emotion statement now. Numb would have been better. It somehow gave me some gumption. I actually went out and had a descent night. Did not think about my situation all day today. I guess it just took her being that cold to allow me to detach a little maybe it will stay with me. I hope so. She will have some hard decisions to make in the next few weeks. If this house does not sell like now it is gonna be real bad. She still won't lower the price on the house though.