NEWBIES ! Hope - list of restored marriages !

[FaithfulH]

I will start by saying that I would rather describe our marriage as "RestorING"....because I believe that a big part of our problem was not understanding that a healthy marriage is constantly being reinvented by the 2 loving partners.

So here goes...

November 2003 - W's mother dies rather suddenly at age 63 of lung cancer. They were extremely close

Fall 2005 - oldest child goes off to college. Empty nest phase of our life begins.

Spring 2006 - During our annual Florida vacation (my W and I started this tradition several years ago), my W says she just realized that she could never live in FL (previously discussed as our eventual retirement destination) because "everybody comes here to die...there is so much death and dying". Upon return home, she wants to sell our home because it is "too big...I spend all my time cleaning"

Summer 2006 - Says she wants to stop our weekly dinner dates because she is "fasting"...then extends this to include intimacy. In August, says she has "unforgiveness" towards me and doesn't know if she can be "healed inside the marriage".

September 2006 - Moves out of MBR, files for Legal Separation, and asks for "Time and Space". She tells me she never loved me...she faked it for a long time. Thus begins a nearly one year journey of separation. I started walking and listening to Praise/Worship music as a part of my GAL.

October 2006 - My W calls to tell me how much she appreciates the "Time and Space" I gave her...spends nearly 4 hours telling me how surprised she was that I "ran to God" when she filed for Separation....but, that she was filing for Divorce (which she did the next day)

November 2006 - My W asks if I will leave the house for Thanksgiving so she can entertain some of her new friends.

December 2006 - Christmas alone while she takes kids on the road.

January 2007 - W reiterates desire to complete Divorce despite the fact that she had not done anything to move it forward. Late January, she tells me that "when we Divorce we might be reconciled at some point in the future but not before 3-5 years."

February 2007 - W files "Motion for Reconciliation" stating that there is too much going on and our kids need her. She tells me about this one morning...then calls me that afternoon to ask if I would send her alone to our Florida resort because she needs some time to think. I send her to warm sunny Florida while I stay home with the kids and shovel snow!

March/April 2007 - My W starts doing MANY things that point to her returning to the marriage....coordinates several awesome family dinners (the first in over 1 year)...to include S17's Birthday....MY Birthday....S19's belated 18th birthday.

early May 2007 - My W goes to KC to attend my parent's 50th wedding anniversary with me....although we stayed in separate rooms. While there my W experienced a severe bladder infection and we ended up spending most of the night in the ER of a strange hospital. It was AWESOME!...not her illness...but, getting to be her H again!

Memorial Day weekend - We had been spending more and more time together...and this weekend the floodgates opened. For those that know the Steinkamp's testimony...you know that Charlyne describes how our marriages will often experience a SUDDEN turn....and that is exactly what happened. Despite lots of positives and my belief that my marriage would be restored, I didn't see this coming when it came. In fact, here is what I posted on the Friday before the restoration began:

Back to cold, dark, distant W....

I wish I could say it didn't matter to me!

I had dinner with 9 men standing in the NY/NJ/CT area last night...and I have some of the MOST positive developments in my sitch...and it STILL sucks! I have a little flu bug and I have been working in the yard all day...I think I am just weary of living ALONE!

Dear Lord...please fill me up so your love will flow out of me TO my W! I know she has NOTHING to give!

I can't believe how despondent I was even in the very midst of an awesome reconciliation!

There was a moment in mid-May where I felt like I SUDDENLY saw very clearly what had happened to us (and it was a very different take on it all):

I felt like Bruce Willis in Sixth Sense when the big plot twist is revealed (sorry for any of you that haven't seen that movie). My W was so clear headed...so soft...so loving...so tender...that I thought, "Has this WHOLE thing been about me and my walk....my failings....my growth?" Then I realized that...as I have known almost from the beginning...it is very much about BOTH OF US...and the minute I think I have arrived...I HAVEN"T!

Here is what I posted back in August:

I believe I am honestly becoming the husband and father that I should have been long ago. Those thoughts don't come from a place of guilt....simply a place of reflecting during the separation on fulfilling God's vision of FaithfulH. I wasn't a "bad" guy...I was actually a pretty "good" guy...but, I was a better man to those who didn't know me well. In other words, I believe I abused my God-given family by being less loving...less caring...less sensitive...more selfish...more arrogant...more controlling...than any person should have been.

So, where are we know? Well, since the reconciliation started almost 3 months ago....every day brings new blessings. I am not overstating how awesome things are when I say that it has been like a 3 month honeymoon! My W and I have spent many, many hours alone....our kids are very independent at 17,19, and 20. We have toured CT and NY vineyards...taken trips to NYC, Rhode Island, and New Hampshire....walked on the beach...hiked in the mountains....sat by the firepit for hours on end. We have talked about the future...and we have even talked about the past...including the separation. The discussions about the separation are the hardest....because I realize how much hurt their is in BOTH of us. This was a surprise to me (yeah, I guess I'm pretty naive too)...since my W initiated the separation and divorce.

I stopped by to share all this because I hope that there is even just one person who is in the pit of despair....ready to give up on their marriage and spouse....who finds encouragement here to stand! Now that I see what God can do when we wait on Him, I believe even more now that too many people give up too early....never knowing if that sudden, unexpected healing was just around the corner. Although I stop in here very infrequently, I continue to pray daily for the healing of your marriages. Praise God from Whom ALL blessings flow!

I want to close by encourage ANYBODY who has taken the time to read this....YOUR MARRIAGE CAN BE RESTORED...NO MATTER how dire the circumstances!!!