Okay Forrest, I can see that you are angry, and it is my opinion that as long as you stay angry simply because you are "right," you are going to have a lot of difficulty in both DBing and growing into a better person.
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My wife is the one who wants out not me. I pay all the bills on the house. She works 2 nights a week makes maybe a $100 bucks a week. I am paying for the cell phone that she texts and talks to OM on.
This may sound harsh, but do you want a cookie or a box to put it in? How many people do you think are in the same situation? A few months ago I paid off my W's $23,000 student loans without her paying a penny. I continue to carry her on my car insurance and pay for it, pay the cell phone bill, pay ALL of the daycare expenses, etc. I'm giving her money tomorrow so she can buy her own Halloween decorations to decorate her and her BF's house with the kids.
You are not the only one in this situation, my friend, and as long as you continue being bitter and selfish about these choices your not going to accomplish anything. Either stop doing it or do it with unconditional love. Don't let the anger from it consume you.
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I took the high road when I left.
So you think doing it momentarily is good enough? You have to be consistent with this, as well as with your changes, if you expect her feelings to change and for YOU to change.
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Thing about it is that 3 weeks ago things were going well not perfect but well. This request for me to move out and give her space came from out of the blue. If I tell someone I want space that means I will come to them when I am ready. In my mind she just wants me to let her do whatever she wants to do while I act like nothing is wrong. To do that is really really hard. I am human. I do have feelings.
This statement showed that you are thinking all about your needs, and not about hers -- it was the same thing when I quoted your statement from another recent post that, "when we talk she actually listens." Yes, of course you have feelings. But expecting your W to address them and meet your needs at this juncture in time is unrealistic and likely only going to push her further away. There is a time and place to do this, and that time and place is when she comes back and shows a committment to reinvest 110% in your M. You have to be PATIENT, brotha.
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She still has not admitted any wrong on our situation. She has said she has had a EA but no PA but that I pushed her to it. Of course I have listened. I have listened to "I don't know what I want". I have said I understand so much it has become part of my vocabulary. Hell I tell the women at work I understand.
This tells me that maybe you really DON'T understand though -- it tells me you're angry with her and that when you listen to her you're really thinking, "Yeah, yeah. Blah, blah, blah." It doesn't sound to me like you've taken responsibility for your roll in the breakdown of the M. An EA/PA is a symptom of a bad/failing M, not the cause of it. Look for what you contributed to this failing M instead of focusing on how bad SHE has been and has been treating you. Yeah it sucks what you're being put through, but you've got to nut up, my friend.
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She says to me "What is wrong with you". I did not go the route you think I went. I just simply said "I am watching my family fall apart and there is nothing I can do" She started crying and said she could not deal with this and went inside. Should I have said nothing is wrong? I love my life. Its great. I am so happy. Well that is just not me. Wrong as it may be as Divorced as it may get me.
If you're willing to go through a D via these actions, then I would suggest your willingness to do whatever it takes to save your M is lacking. Don't let pride interfere with what you really want (if what you really want is infact to save your M).
But you asked if you should've said nothing is wrong. I think you would've been better off "Acting As If" and not giving her reason to ask you what was wrong. Have you read DR? If so, read it again. If not, read it. Your sadness, sulkiness, mopiness, etc -- whatever it was -- is not appealing, attractive, etc, to W. You making her feel sorry for you -- feeling guilty about what she is doing is not healthy for creating a better M. She must deal with her choices on her own. If she comes back out of guilt from you before she has done the necessary work she needs to do, she will resent you for making her feel guilty, and your M will remain at risk. She knows how you feel -- now show her a man who will be okay and happy with or without her. Show her a man who has the strength to handle these changes in his life. That is much more powerful than the sad man -- and much more attractive too.
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See what you did not get GD was that FG was me back in the day. Maybe 6-7 years ago. I am "Bubba" now.
Quite honestly, after reading your thread, I don't see you being even close to either one of these guys, but you obviously know yourself much better than I. I can understand some of the comparison's you make, but FG or Bubba wouldn't be thinking and behaving the way you are IMHO. You're being resentful and angry, and you need to accept what is and begin moving forward with what you can control.
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I dont want to be a better man in my next relationship
Okay, then how about just being a better man -- period. If you get W back, that will be the icing on the cake.
Maybe I'm completely wrong, FG, but I think you've got a lot of work to do on you before reconciliation will be healthy.
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Have I made mistakes. Hell yes. Has she? Hell yes. Does any of that really matter. No.. We both know we made mistakes. Question is what are we going to do with it
I would argue that it does matter BECAUSE you have to decide what you're going to do with it. They are part of the same equation. However, for now it is going to have to be what YOU will do with it, not what WE will do with it.
