I would have so much liked to have been able to find a thread like this when I first came here...I remember wondering if it was even realistically possible that a marriage could be saved given the circumstances that I found myself in...
Quick recap:
I was 42 and H was 46....looking back I now realize that he had been in MLC for about 3 years (he suddenly lost his job (after 9-11)....his "new" career was not going well and the money we had in savings was quickly dwindling...we sold one home in another state that was our investment...but soon we were in need of selling our primary home because we couldn't keep up....we tried renting it out and that was a disaster (whole nother story), we moved in with family and things were strained...I knew that...but H assured me that WE were okay...soon I lost my job due to a contract not being renewed...this really put a strain on us...but H still assured me WE were okay...I noticed he stayed away more...he drank more...he seemed to isolate himself more...I tried to give him space but it was hard...I need support too...
Then following my neices wedding he kissed me, said he loved me and would see me for dinner...he didn't come home!!!
Later he called for a ride (I suspected he was drinking so I went and got his car so he wouldn't try and drive, I was right)...when I got him in the car for the ride home he said he was leaving me...I was shocked, angry, hurt...you name it...how dare he!
Well, he did leave after I pounded on him (physically)...things got progressively worse...of course I did all the wrong things but the worse was when I accidently found out about OW...she lived in another state so I thought it was just EA...how wrong I was...when I found out he had been to visit her I was furious...I confronted him to admit it...which he did...then I said a few choice things about her...spit in his face...and kicked his brand new BMW convertable that he just got (with no job, no income!)....don't kick a car in sandals!
Over the next two years things seemed hopeless...I messed up a lot...found this place but still messed up here and there...H cut off contact with his kids and me...it was pretty bad...he would go 6 months with out a word...we didn't know if he was dead or alive most of the time...it was hell on all of us
I filed for divorce not once...but twice...the first time I got H to admit he didn't really want a D and we went to court together to ask the judge to dismiss it 3 days before it was final! H disappeared for 6 months...nothing...no working on Us...no nothing...so I filed again!...I was done...he siad he was done....could never ever live with me again...
By this time me and the kids got jobs, moved to our own apartment, and started over with our lives...then out of no where H decides to move back to town to be closer to the kids...soon we were talking...going out...and it became appearant that maybe would could make this work...
BUT it wasn't over yet...the roller coaster ride was still going full force...H came back $120,000 in debt, two car repo's, ill health, and emotionally a basket case...drinking way too much...
I took the tough love approach and called 9-11 when he got stinking drunk...they did an intervention at the hospital...we got him into a shrink, on AD meds (lots of trial and error there), and into alcohol recovery....one set back and back to the hospital...more counseling for him....and finally things started to settle in...
He was such a mess he couldn't work...but now he is working (for me!), he is helping more around the house then he did our previous 26 years of marriage...we talked about a lot of things after he had been home for a long while...I still have some questions but for now I am okay...
H now knows that I don't need him...he knows I CHOSE to stay in the marriage...he knows that I loved him even when he didn't love me or himself...he admits this openly....he admits he needed help long ago but fought it...he admits that while he had real feelings for OW (wanted to marry her) that it was all a big huge mistake...
So yes, even when things look about as bad as they could there is still a chance...a chance at a NEW marriage...things are NOT like they were before...nor do I want them to be...while I was happy it was obvious that H was not...maybe it was all MLC...maybe it was a combination of things...but what we have now provides for us both to be happy...and that is what I wanted all along...
I am a new person...strong, sensitive...things I was before but in different ways now...I would have been okay if H didn't come back...but I can say and do often that I am glad he is home...
It took time for D #2 to forgive him and talk to him again...it was actually nearly a year after he moved home before she would speak to him...he had to prove himself to her...he had to earn her trust back...it was pretty bad but I think it was good for him to go through...
So for anyone reading this...I hope this gives you HOPE...
I do count myself as in a "restored marriage"...I do count myself as a survivor...either way, I would be a survivor!
