Mixed signals - catfan's continual saga part???

[FLTC]

Hey CF,

Just checking in. Happy end of Ramadan! It's now Shawwal! can't make it up!

I guess COG said it best to me: once you let go of the fear,everything else becomes easier. True, but still difficult. It msu be evn more frustrating to you, because your W. give's you small crumbs, which gets your hopes up. She's reading 5LoL, but won't say why. Infuriating, if not just plain weird...my opinion..sorry. Hang tight bro!

[catfan]

Well since last Thursday she's grown a good bit more distant. I'm trying to figure out if this is routine pull back after a few steps forward or if she's getting distant for other reasons. It seems strange in one regard because she was getting friendlier and we were really reconnecting. Then again the pullback is something the WAW will do after some forward progress.

I know she's reading the 5 love languages ever so slowly and I am wondering if she's feeling pressure as she reads it. I've tried to be understanding but there are expectations I have that I still am struggling to manage. Why is it since last Thursday she's stopped giving hugs and our conversations have become very limited? Yet she's stepped up a little her requests of me, mainly things that would in essence be her love language items, words of affirmation and acts of service. Is she testing me?

Well I don't know and I'm struggling with patience and the whole being friends thing right now. Yet I push myself forward and try the best I can to keep a happy face and attitude.

[FLTC]

cf,

waht eles can you do, my man? I really think the "work on you" DB advice is as good as it can be. You can't focus on you. You have to detach. Your sitch has been going on one month less than mine, and it's maddening. Probably even more for you because there doesn't seem to be the vitriol my W. expresses.

Where are you living now? How's the job hunt?

[Dom R]

I know she's reading the 5 love languages ever so slowly and I am wondering if she's feeling pressure as she reads it. [....] Yet she's stepped up a little her requests of me, mainly things that would in essence be her love language items, words of affirmation and acts of service. Is she testing me?

could be.
and it's tough to put on a smiling happy face to someone who you have doubts about, and are 'testing'.

She's not exactly playing fair... she should really tell you what is important to her, rather than playing mental hide-and-seek with you. But... do what you can, with what you get.


it might be, that she's testing herself.
[and doing the WAW thing of deliberately sabotaging things between you]
that is to say, "Well, the book says that my 'love language' is X, and if my husband does X for me, then I will love him. So, I'm going to prove it wrong, by getting my husband to do X, and then still feeling angry, hostile and bitter towards him".

By sheer force of will, rather than just letting her feelings be natural.

Eh.... if so.. not much you can do about it anyway. You cant argue her into dropping her attitude, because putting her into "argument" mode, would probably just make her more defensive. the last thing you need is more "defenses" up.

Contrariwise, she might have read that some of her main love languages are "communication" and "affection", and so is deliberately cutting you off from fulfilling her needs in those areas.

but... yet again... if she IS doing that... there's nothing you can really do about it, but give her space.

Well I don't know and I'm struggling with patience and the whole being friends thing right now. Yet I push myself forward and try the best I can to keep a happy face and attitude.

Good for you Hang in there

[catfan]

Lot's of things to journal about today. I've taken a few days to let it all soak in and to think it through.

Tuesday I met with my attorney to discuss the rough draft of the separation agreement he was drafting. He gave me a copy and we agreed I would give it to my wife and he would forward a copy to her attorney.

Wednesday we went to the state fair as a family. My wife took off work early to go. We all had a really good time and she and I seemed to just enjoy the company and the family outing. Honestly it felt really, really good.

We got home a bit after dinner time and were just beat. But I knew there was something I needed to do. So I took my wife back to the bedroom and gave her the rough draft of the separation agreement. I told her I was sorry we had gotten to this point. All I have ever wanted to do was show her love and have her feel loved. I also said I realized the mistakes of our past and knew if we had a chance it would be start with speaking each other's love languages. Once again she said it'd be nice if I spoke her love language. It was a very touching and honest but short conversation that was devoid of defensive posturing which I attribute to us be in beat from the fair. She was very appreciative that I had a rough draft that we could discuss and work from. (An important point because it addressed her primary love language, acts of service, I had done this for her and told her that.)

After the conversation ended I had to walk out of the room, I didn't expect the flood of emotions I was having. So I walked out to the garage where I just stood for a good 5-10 minutes. I was contemplating just getting in the car and leaving. She walked out under the guise of taking out some trash. She walked over too me and in a very sincere voice asked me what was the matter. It was all I could do not to just explode all the emotions out at her. I responded as nicely as I could "what do you think?" She stood there and did something unexpected. She started to rub my back and said, I know, I understand, if you'd like to talk. To which I replied, honestly not right now. She then told me to take some time and to come in when I felt ready. Honestly this little act from her has meant more to me than anything. It was something from her heart, not planned, didn't have expectations, wasn't manipulative, it was from the heart. It screamed my love languages, physical touch and quality conversation.

I went for a short walk then back in to where we sat down had a little dinner together, shared some wine and enjoyed each other's company. I decided to leave and we chatted a bit more about things and love languages. She again told me she'd like me to speak her languages.

Then yesterday morning she emailed me with her languages after taking the quiz in the book. To my surprise I had her primary one figured out what was way off on secondary on down. She's acts of service first then quality time second. Know wonder my words of affirmation attempts haven't gotten the results I expected.

She also told me in the email she and the girls talked about love languages and figured out everyone's languages. I replied telling her it meant a lot to me that she read the book and shared all of this.

Then last night D11 and I get to talking about it. She told me she asked my wife the night before what she was reading and that started their LL discussion. Then D11 dropped a bit of a bomb on me. My wife told her she was reading the book because hopefully it will help mommy and daddy get back together. That revelation has been difficult to deal with in that I don't want to make cookies out of these crumbs and get my hopes up. But I can't help but feel like we possibly might be close to turning a corner. I can only hope.

Alas the monkey wrench in the works, the separation agreement. I got an email from her about it today and she has some big concerns. Damn I wish this thing would just go away for a while. All it does is introduce so much confusion, hurt feelings, anger and generally set us back on just getting past the hurt. So now I need to figure out how to turn this big negative into a potential positive. Yet we've traded some emails today that have been basically positive.

[FLTC]

cf,

Man, those dam* cookie crumbs. Your W. is as about as confusing as I can imagine. She's reading the Chapman book, but won't seem to acknowledge that she's reading it to apply it to your M. She accepts the separation agreement, with concerns, of course, and then says to D: "so M and D. can maybe get back together". WTF?

I do love the question from her: "What's the matter?" It should be painfully obvious to her. Has she come out recently and told you what her intentions might be? Probably not. The agreement must have been so painful for you. You and I seem to be a lot alike, so I can only imagine. Hang in there, bro.

[hiscott]

Catfan,

Those mixed signals are so frustrating. They seem to hand out the cookies, we get so excited, but then they crumble through our fingers.

It is great that she is reading 5 love languages. My WAW is avoiding that kind of introspection. Don’t push her on it. If she wants to talk about it with you, great. But, she is probably sick of hearing about your feelings.

I would hope that W thought about the comment to D11 about “mommy and daddy getting back together”. If so is that confused, it seems cruel to possibly get a childs hopes up.

Hang in there. Be patient and wait for a real cookie, one that clearly states that she is ready to work on the R.

[Dom R]

I'm happy for you, for your positives

[catfan]

Mixed signals are so, so, so much fun! Yes I love them to death, I can't wait until the next mixed signal I get. I wait with baited breath!

OK so what has gotten me saying all of that? A long conversation from last night. My wife got back from being out of town and she called to talk with the girls and me last night. I mentioned we needed to sit down at some point and discuss the sep agreement comments she sent me on Tuesday. She said let's talk now. So we did. Turns out we are pretty much in agreement on everything still some questions and concerns over some specific legal language.

This lead to a discussion about our relationship. While discussing the agreement she'd make relationship comments. So I instigated a full on relationship discussion. She didn't really fight it either. Once again it's back to she wanting me to "take charge" and "provide for the family". This is where I start to get a little frustrated because how can I do those things she's asking if we are separated? She was silent on that comment. But we kept talking about everything. She making the same comments as most previous talks, wanting more time with the kids, less financial responsibility for the family, me to step up, etc. Interestingly she acknowledge in a round about manner that being separated was sending us both in the exact opposite direction of what we want. (I originally made this comment.) I pressed her a bit and she finally gave me as close to an admission of her wants as she has ever given. She wants me to be the provider, she wants me to speak her love languages, she wants these things so we can be back together as a family. But she's still at a point that she's not willing to specifically say all of that. When I asked her directly about this all she said I don't know. I asked if what I understood from her words, actions and attitudes was correct, that she wants me to be the provider, wants me to show her love, she wants to feel love from me and wants us back together as a family. Her response, yes I have a good understanding of her wants. So I guess that's as good an admission as I'll ever get! Now to just resolve this damn job situation!

[hiscott]

catfan,

That sounds like great progress. While you got her to open up last night, I wouldnt push her on the subject again for a while. Those are reasonalble wants / needs. You just now need to figure out how to provide them. I'm sure that you are a great provider on many fronts. Without shoving them into her face, maybe you can better display some of the ways that you provide.

Stay patient and good luck on the job front.