Great idea on the flowers. I have placed the order.
Late yesterday, the ex and our son went to see a movie. My son asked if I was going and I told him to enjoy some alone time with his mom.....that we needed to give her a break from entertaining two men. The ex did not say anything.
After the movie, she called and asked if I would like to meet them for dinner. I told her I would pass, to have fun with our son and I would be home when they returned. She said I would like for you to join us....so I did. We had a nice dinner, came back home and played board games......family night if you will.
For those of you reading my story. Suit is absolutely right that R talk is a big no no. My ex and I do fine when we talk about our past R, sharing what we were looking for and how certain things hurt or made us feel. Any talk of the future though results in a negative reaction. I am hopeful when she opens up and shares with me the things that she was looking for back then is her way of telling me what she needs from me in the future. It has been extremely difficult to figure her out as she has never been one to openely discuss her feelings. Much of it is not understanding them enough to express them.
My amateur diagnosis is she still harbors some resentment that I did not offer certain things during our M. She has commented on some changes I have made and asked why am I doing that now when I wouldn't do them before. Each time she begins to feel a draw towards me in her heart, the brain begins reminding her that in some way she was short changed and bitterness sets in. I believe this is where the back and forth attitude comes from.
As for me and the OM. It doesn't really matter about him in the big scheme of things. I don't have any resentment towards the ex for what happened in the past but I feel jealousy that it still exists. I need to find ways to deal with that aspect of it.
Jet I agree with suit. You did great. I think she needed a 2X4 upside her head and hopefully she got it. She needs to know where you stand and what you want. You are not being unreasonable. It should be simple for her to understand, but obviously it is not. You want her back into your life, you are a changed (FOR THE BETTER) man and father, you want to renew your love to her, BUT NONE OF THIS WILL WORK AS LONG AS THERE IS ANOTHER MAN!!!
I see her hesitation on reconcile being one of two things.
1. She has been very deeply scared from events in your marriage and she is afraid they will re-occur and that is why she is hesitant.
Or
2. She is not willing to give up on you or the OM, so she is playing both sides.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
Could be a little of both reasons with a third thrown in. She shut down emotionally on me during the M and built that wall up to protect herself giving me the standard line over and over that she loved me but not like a wife should love a husband. Who knows exactly what that means?
Visiting me isn't necessary as we could always meet halfway and our son stay with her in her own home so coming here is to spend time with me too. She won't say that but it makes the most sense to me. She sent me a fruit basket for my birthday last week and the card read: "happy birthday, look forward to seeing you guys next week...love ex." Everything she says or does includes me and our son as a tandem.
The flowers arrived around noon today. She didn't have much emotional response to them. She pulled the card as if she was uncertain who may be sending them.....looked at me after reading it and said thank you, you didn't have to send me flowers. No smile, no hug...just a blank look. She took the card and placed into her purse....moved the flowers to act as a centerpiece on the dining room table and that was it.
We did some more shopping this afternoon for our son and the moment we got home she asked me for a referral to get a pedicure. Of course I am a regular at several places....lol. We looked it up in the yellow pages and she was off to get her toes done. Maybe she needed to get some alone time.
I didn't think the flowers were a god idea, but you had already placed the order before I had read your post about them. Anyway they did not create any harm. I figured they would get pretty much the response that they got, unfortunately.
I see her being split 50/50 on the idea of getting back with you and not. She obviously wants to, but there is definitely an underlying force that is keeping her from doing so. I am sure you are aware of that. Just a matter of getting her to eliminate or concur whatever it is that is holding her back.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
Today is the last full day for the ex to be here as she plans to leave tomorrow morning.
We had dinner at home last night and watched a little TV as a family. There were a couple of times I caught her looking at me....almost one of those "who is this" look.
As she was getting ready for bed, I invited her to go to church with me today. She said she would like that and proceeded to iron what she would wear. This morning, she had changed her mind so I went to service alone.
I noticed last night and today that if we pass one another in the hall or in a room, she will not make eye contact. She also has pulled back from letting me touch her. To be honest, I think I'm ready for tomorrow to come.
Maybe she is preparing for her leave and that is why she is distancing herself from you. She is preparing to go back to her other life, now that her time has come to an end with her visit with you. Just a thought.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
We all had the excitement of the first day of school this morning. My ex and I dropped our son off at school then headed back home to get her car. She plans to drop off a few resumes around town before she leaves.
I helped get her things loaded in the car which included a suitcase almost as large as my fridge. A set of hand trucks would have been helpful.
She gave me a hug and the obligatory thank you for the place to stay. As we pulled back from the hug, there was a kiss goodbye.
The ex made another visit this weekend. We spent the entire time doing family activities and had a really nice time. No earth shattering changes from the previous visit....the hug and kiss goodbye is all there is to report. Next visit scheduled in 4 weeks.
I wish my GPS would tell me where we are headed because it seems we are standing still. I'm sure there is progress in this somewhere but I would like to see more noticable forward motion.
I just wanted to say thanks for posting all this. I see many parallels to my situation so it's helpful.
Although I'm not divorced yet, we have been separated for a year and I get so many of the same confusing actions/statements from my wife that you've gotten from your ex. It seems you've made progress so that gives me hope.
One thing I do wonder, if she is moving 300 miles away from where she is now will OM even be in the picture after the move?
I recently told my wife during one of her "I don't know what I want and I'm so confused" speeches the other day that I am no longer even interested in talking about reconciling as long as OM is around. I guess I'll see where that gets me.
Another weekend visit from the ex in the books. She came up Thursday morning and we attended a concert that evening. She and our son had a good time and I faked it the best I could. It wasn't my kind of music but that is a 180 for me since before I would have refused to go.
We shopped on Friday while our son was in school...went to dinner and a high school football game. Our son is in a K-12 school so he likes going to the games even though he is only a fifth grader.
Our son had a football game Saturday morning so the ex got to see him play for the first time. It was a big treat for them both. We hung around the house all afternoon and I graciously bowed out Saturday night so they could spend some quality time together.
She left this morning after a rather tasty breakfast I prepared. Another 180 since I never cooked while we were married. I'm still learning but can now prepare a few things that aren't in a box.
All in all she seemed to have enjoyed her visit. I do sense that no progress was made...in fact my gut instincts tell me the opposite occurred. I may be over analyzing things a bit but I have been blessed with fairly good intuition and things didn't seem quite right this time. The first being a request that our son spend Christmas with her this year. I agreed since he spent last year with me but I would have suspected a thought pattern that would include all three of us if she were thinking positively.
She received several text messages and phone calls during her stay. Interestingly, she would comment about who they were from but some of them I had doubts about. There is just a way that I can tell that is difficult to explain when something doesn't add up. Maybe it is her tone or reflection of her voice. I act "as if" and don't even comment about it.
There is no doubt she wants to protect my feelings so if the OM is who she is communicating with, there isn't any way she would ever be truthful about it.
I received the obligitory hug goodbye and a thank you for letting her stay at my home. No comment about having a good time as in the past and no kiss this time. Our son walked out to the car with us so I knew that wasn't going to happen.
I didn't do a whole lot of touching this time around so I can't judge how receptive she would have been to that. I did mention an activity that the three of us could do next month but she didn't acknowledge any interest.
So unfortunately I feel she is shutting off the switch and creating some distance. This has happened before when she would state she wanted her family back together then a couple of months later state she just misses our son and doesn't want me. Maybe this is normal behavior to withdraw some when things seem too comfortable. It has been 5 months since I stood up and made it clear that I'm ready to make us work. It has been 1 year since her first call begging me to take her back.
