I see myself as a person of logic and reason. However, I also believe in God, and I believe that God plays a part in our daily lives. Indeed, God speaks to us through people and circumstance. It is our responsibility to listen and respond appropriately.
While driving to the gym this morning, I passed our church. In front of our church is a sign that shows an inspirational message of the week.
Here is this week's message verbatim (I pulled over and wrote it down): There is an important difference between giving up and letting go
Somehow we need to find a common ground. One that says I need you but I'm not dependent on you. I think I have showed my W that I am no longer dependent on her so now I carefully need to show her she is still needed. Now be careful on the definition of need here. I mean it more as "wanted" not needed as “I can't live with out ya”.
Ok mark you got your smarts back. THIS IS REALLY TRUE. Even though my sitch is mild compared to yours I feel the same way.
Wise words. Right now, she is waaaaay too focused on herself and getting what she wants and having things her way to see that I am getting on with things for my own benefit. I know, it takes time.
But, as I said in a private message to another DBer, my wife is behaving like there is no tomorrow because she knows that I am still willing to save the marriage. I am her safety net. Once she figures out that I have made the conscious act of detaching, that I believe that my happiness is not dependent in any way on her presence, her love, or her approval, only then will I be able to draw her back to me. I'm working on that.
Next thought:
Ok mark you got your smarts back. THIS IS REALLY TRUE. Even though my sitch is mild compared to yours I feel the same way. See we are not so far apart.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
...I believe that she has convinced herself that I am having an affair of my own. I believe that she thought, rather the go to the gym, I went to see my lover for some "reunion sex" with my lover after having been gone on a business trip.
I see this as both good and bad. The good side is that she sees me GALing and detaching. The bad side is that it justifies both her affair and her desire to divorce.
This issue seems to have resolved itself. While exiting the gym, I saw her car in the parking lot (didn't see her in the gym - it's a very large facility, and I wasn't looking for her- or anybody).
I believe that her visit to check to see that I was, in fact, at the gym, and to see if I have a workout partner (there is some serious middle-age talent at this gym). Also, she also went in order to get all sweaty and fit for her visit with her boyfriend this week.
All in all, I am glad that she checked-up on me (and that I passed her test). If I am correct that she was checking on me, she would only do so if she still cared about me.
In the interest of saving my friend Rob some time, I will post the following:
Come on, Mark!! You are focusing waaaay too much attention on your wife. Keep your focus on you and your kids. You are wasting time and energy trying to predict her motives for doing what she is doing. Continue to GAL, and stop worrying about what SHE does!!!!
There is an important difference between giving up and letting go.
Whoa! It does make you stop and think when these little things come into our lives at the perfect time! Those little messages that tell us that we are not walking alone, even though at times it seems that we are.
Hey Mark, I think you are doing a great job GALing. It's making her wonder what you are up to. About time they get to worry a little. This brings the saying "Smile, it makes people wonder what you are up to" to mind. Keep on smiling friend.
Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Update on Sunday: The day went very well. We had a small party after the ceremony at our house. I felt an electric "connection" to her most of the day. Not sure why. Perhaps the presence of my family and her family, the Confirmation ceremony, lack of discord between us probably all added to it I imagine. Add to that the fact that (I sincerely believe) her suspicions regarding me cheating on her were dashed on Saturday, and it all added up well.
Her step-mother told me that some family members whom I thought were "nodding heads" are in fact, at worst, neutral. So that's good. I know that speaking to her step-mom can be dangerous; however, she is pro-marriage LBS herself. Add to that she is a former social worker, and the fact that she promised to keep some things I said to her quiet, so I feel OK about confiding in her to a limited extent.
This morning was not so good. Not terrible, mind you. Remember, she is going out of town on a business trip this week where she will see her boyfriend. Now, I knew about this trip weeks ago. Still, she caught me off-guard this morning when she told me she is leaving tomorrow (she has never told me her travel schedule for this trip... does not matter, because she lies about her travel anyway). So she mentioned that she is leaving, and I replied, "yeah, yeah, OK" and unconsciously blinked my eyes.
"Is something bothering you," she asked. "No <pause>... I need to get to work," I said walking away. "Yeah, yeah, you just go to work."
She thought I was upset that she is going to the meeting, and I was being passive-aggressive. While I wish she wouldn't go, I know that she needs to. I was just caught off guard. I don't like the fact that she will likely be sharing a room with her boyfriend. I resisted the urge to fire back at her (a dozen replies to the question "is something bothering you?" come to mind).
It's gonna be a very difficult week for this guy...
In the interest of saving my friend Rob some time, I will post the following:
Come on, Mark!! You are focusing waaaay too much attention on your wife. Keep your focus on you and your kids. You are wasting time and energy trying to predict her motives for doing what she is doing. Continue to GAL, and stop worrying about what SHE does!!!!
Rob, you are welcome...
LOL, you nailed it.
Hang in there this week!
While it's true that I do NOT recommend you spend the time thinking about what W is or isn't doing, let me just say one thing: getaways with the OP don't always go as planned. Remember, this isn't two happy, well-adjusted, straight-thinking people off for a romantic vacation. At least one of those people is a whacked-out, MLC-ridden crazy person - things don't always go smoothly around them, as you know perfectly well yourself. If you've read my whole story, you'll know that my own W's week away from it all with OM was an absolute disaster (for which I am eternally grateful, of course). I'm not saying the same will happen in your case - but there's a really BIG spectrum between "romantic getaway" and "absolute disaster", so don't assume you know which end of the spectrum your own W's week will fall into.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
