Friday. Accompanied Casey on a field trip, needed a blanket for picnic lunch. Called W, asked if I could use one of the kids keys to get the blanket we usually used. She said fine. She called back a few minutes later and, after me asking if she would rather I just not go over, she said no, it's a space issue and I felt violated. I kind of snapped a bit, Yeah, let's compare violations. You lied to me for 3 months, you shared my intimate thoughts with your mother by forwarding my emails to you to her, and you tell me we're ok while telling everyone else your unhappy. I know all about feeling violated. Do you have any empathy at all? Little more, that was it.
She sends an email a few minutes later, "waht you did to me last October was the greatest violation." Refering to me losing my mind and attacking her on the night she told me of the A. I responded later that, "I don't want to get into a pissing match of who hurt who worse. That's an action I will regret to the day that I die and I would never act like that toward you again. Any R would be based on love and respect, not guilt or the past."
No direct response, but she sent an email asking if I had a good time on the field trip.
When she dropped the girls off, I asked her about it outside. "Do you still think about that all of the time." She says she just wishes I had hit her. I said something to the effect of I wish I hadn't done anything, but to put things in context of what she was telling me that night. 16 years (at the time) of doing nothing but showing love for you is outweighed by me losing my mind once for 2 or 3 minutes? Said she didn't want to talk about this, said fine, have a good night.
She came over yesterday and brought a cake and balloons to wish Casey happy bday. We sat around and chitchatted for 30/40 minutes. Made the mistake of following up on the conversation again. [partly, i'm not sure if this is a mistake. She doesn't talk to me. She's convinced she nows how I'm going to act whenever she says something. She keeps saying "I can't talk to you." It's like a defense mechanism. I've thought for the last few months that if we could just start talking, there would at least be the possibility of something between us. Like if I could burst that blister, that might get her going.]
Anyway, started off asking her a few things regarding the bday party today (which was my intention). Then asked her if that night prevents her from wanting anything with me (or something like that). Said she was scared and saw a side of me that she didn't like. Apologized again, said that's a side of me that I don't like and never want to see again. Said I never gave you anything but love other than those few minutes, she agreed and then said something about "I don't want to talk about this." I said, "you never want to talk, you tell everyone else and not me and have for years." or something like that and slammed the door going back inside. Haven't done anything like that in months.
Whated a minute or two, then grabbed some trash to walk down to cool off. She was still in the parking lot and drove over. Asked me if I felt better for the childish display. Said, "No, actually feel worse." We talked for about 10 minutes. Said a lot of what I've said here, She said our problems are more than one thing. Said I know, I'm not 100% sure we could be a couple again, but I think you're worth making the effort. That we were in love for a long time without doing anything to keep that alive and that a R takes effort and that I never let you all the way in because I was scared and that I didn't know how to aske for what I needed and I don't think you did either. That when we tried last year, I didn't have any tools. I do now. Said I don't know if I could trust you again, I still think you're seeing OM. I found the pills (her reply to that, they were from last summer, a sample, and I never finished taking them. hmmmmmm, and you didn't throw them away why?) and that she's not seeing him. Regardless, not for the kids, but because of how I feel about you. Don't need you. Want you in my life. I miss not being able to just talk and that I miss the emotional intimacy that we used to share, more than the sex. Mentioned Retro in the context of many of our problems are communication problems.
She said at one point "I don't love you." Said, I know. I love you but I'm not sure we could make a good couple again. Think it's worth seeing if we could, but not sure myself.
She's seen me be more calm and thoughtful and taking charge of things. she keeps out of reflex trying to defend what she's saying when she gives me advice on what to do with the kids. While I don't always agree with her, most of the times I say something to the effect of "that's a good idea" or "I had thought of something similar, good to hear a second same opinion." She did that yesterday and I just asked her flat out you don't have to defend yourself, I like to hear your opinions (she's thought that I didn't value her opinions over the years, not true, but . . .) Have I said anything to give you the impression I wasn't listening or didn't want to hear what you say? She said, "No, but you used to be like that." Just said, "see me for who I am today." She's been more pleasant toward me. Heck, even the girls have noticed me being calmer. When I do raise my voice to them, they know for sure they're walking on thin ice.
Sent her a text. "I'm sorry. I want to show you who i am but i keep showing you the dumbass you left. hope i didn't ruin your afternoon."
Called her later for the girls to wish her goodnight. After they were done, told her something that Lauren had said about her and got a belly laugh.
I know DBing and everything else says to give her space, and I want space between us as well. A huge part of me still says that if she doesn't talk to me and get some of her anger at me out, she'll keep internalizing it. Regardless, she has the girls this week. I plan on doing a fair bit of reading and thinking about this this week. Lean toward keeping to attempting to stop talking, but, with my W and how she internalizes her feelings, I'm not 100% sure that's the total way to go. Or maybe I'll connvert like Nugget and all of this stuff with just gel for me.
This effing sucks. Funny thing is that in all of this I'm continuing to do my own thing on the assumption that she's not going to be in my life. Lord knows it doesn't sound like that, but I truly feel that I'll be fine without her -- it's just a VERY strong preferance that she return to my life as my W, with all of the good things H and W should be and share.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
