Now I've done it.... again #4?

[SallyM]

neph, I'm going to echo everything mk says. trust me. btdt. do NOT contact ow. stop snooping. take care of yourself. db even if it doesn't quite feel right. put yourself on a 48 hour rule.

I like your day today...try to keep the focus on that. love your kids, have fun with them.

((((HUGS)))

[nephartiti]

OK, everyone sit down because this is a doosey.

H started calling in the early evening. I answered and he started to scold me for my behavior when I was spying on him at the school. I listened briefly, then said something like, "I'm sorry I exposed your affair. I'm sorry you are uncomfortable. You must have felt very empty to compromise your integrity. I don't like the way you are speaking to me right now. Good bye." I said it all very even. Well, he didn't like that and kept calling. Finally, I took the phone off the hook.

Then he showed up and started calling again from the parking lot. I had family over, so this was all very dramatic. We were arguing on the phone for a while. I am very hot-headed (goes without saying) and I admit I was spewing a little. I don't know what's gotten into him, but he didn't throw it back at me the way he usually does. He started being honest and forthcoming. I almost fell out of my chair.

Finally I went outside. We did some serious talking. He said he was trying to get an apartment. He admitted his EA with the phone calls from June. He said that was a "friendship" but it "fizzled" out and she doesn't want to talk to him anymore. He said that he realizes how it damaged our relationship and family. He said he would do a lot of things differently if he could. He basically said that, as things got harder and harder at home, he felt more and more comfortable to "confide" in her. The time he spent "confiding" made things harder and harder at home. Vicious cycle, right?

Anyway, he says that's completely over. Of course I have no proof. He claims the woman I saw him with was just a co-worker that happened to be leaving at the same time that day. I don't know if this is true, honestly. He claims he's been working on his certification work at school everyday. There are still some fishy things, but I guess I could give the benifit of the doubt.

I had to take responsibility for my rage and angry outbursts. They have definitely put a wedge between us. He said he has wanted to come home,but he is hesitant. He is not sure it is safe because I am explosive. This is true. I have always had a bit of a temper, but this has brought out the worst. These days, I really have a hard time controlling myself sometimes.

We went out to dinner with the kids. It was nice. He mentioned that he got my link re: retro and still wants to go in November He also told me how he's spent several nights in the van in various parking lots. He's slept at the park. He uses baby wipes when he can't shower. Sometimes he uses a water bottle if there is no restroom? It made me realize that he must really be afraid to come home, if this lifestyle feels safer than facing my anger. I had to give a sincere apology and validate this.

Then we came home and talked a little more in the car. We were kind of just looking at eachother like idiots. Then he reached out his hand as if to shake hands. Well, I was willing to take whatever was offered, but he just held my hand. Geeez I feel like a teenager. Then I leaned over to hug him. One thing led to another...

We came inside, put the kids to bed and ML. This is what is important to me. It took a long time to get the kids to sleep. They just wouldn't cooperate. We were all laying in our giant family bed. We read stories and cuddled. It was so nice. H kept trying to cuddle with me too. He put his arm around me, held my hand, kissed my hand (that part's my favorite). Plus, there was lots of kissing when we ML. That is very important to me, especially since that was a big issue before he left.

No one said ILY. I wasn't going to push too far, but we both said we missed eachother. Actually, he told me he's missed me so much. Then he ASKED if I missed him. I can't believe he had to ask.

Anyway, we were cuddling after, but I felt he was pulling away. I aked if he was ok. He said he was thinking. Asked if he had regrets. He said he didn't but was worried we were skipping a step. There is a lot we have to deal with before he can move back in. I told him I agreed. He started telling me how he was supposed to go see his sister tonight. I told him that I will understand if he feels he needs to go. He asked if that would be ok, that this was reallly nice, but he wants to be sure we do things right. I told him I want him to stay, but I do understand what he is saying and will respect his need for space. He said he knows everything is going to be ok. I told him that means a lot.

He got dressed. Then he came to kiss me goodbye. He said we have a little bit of work ahead of us. I said "A lot, but that's ok. We have a lifetime to do it." I hope that wasn't saying too much. He just kind of laughed. I told him he can come back whenever he wants. He said thank you. Then he told me to have a good night. I told him to be careful, and he left.

I am so proud of myself that I did not get all clingy after we ML and try to convince him to stay. My imagination is so dangerous. This is where I have to have faith. I know I probably won't hear from him for a few days. I have to be ok with this. He committed to Retrouvaille again, so I am taking his word for it. I am going to sign us up. The apartment he is looking at is month to month. No lease is good.

I have to get my anger under control! I can NOT explode on him anymore. So brace yourselves. It is going to have to come out somewhere. I know the road ahead is not going to be easy. Thank God I have this place.

[nephartiti]

Oh, yeah. During dinner, S2 was tired and H said, "He's falling asleep, Dear." He hasn't used a term of endearment in ages. One of the first things to go out the window with the EA were the terms "Love, Dear, and Hon".

Monday, I am going to sign up for an anger management class. It is the right thing to do. It will be good for me and all the people around me. I am not violent, but I do tend to be explosive.

[mkultra]

I don't know why, but I am smiling ear to ear. I don't think I have ever heard anything so honest and romantic. I think that exact story is why people say that they get even closer after a separation. It is as if there is nothing left to hide and truth and love just spill into each other. Retro sound so great for you both. Oh I cannot stop smiling!!!

[nephartiti]

H has a toothbrush in the bathroom from when he brushed teeth with S2 last night. I don't know why,but that excites me too no end.

I have to find a way to set a boundary with my SIL. I try not to bring up H, but she always says something like "Has psycho called?" The, if I try to be vague, I get a full interogatiion. She is pushing so hard for divorce. She feeds all my fears. Actually, it was here idea to do the last stakeout. I didn't need too much convincing, but I probably wouldn't have gone on my own. She thinks H is lying about everything and just trying to get on my good side to protect OW. I really don't beleve this, but it still stirs this bad feeling. My imagination is bad enough. I don't need someone adding to it. What's the bet way to handle this? I was tinking I will just have to be straight forward and say something like, "I know you really care about me and are trying to protect me in your own way. However, I am an adult and have to make my own decisions regarding myself and my family. I would appreciate it if you not bring up my situation with my marriage. If I want your opinion, I will ask you." Maybe the last two sentences are too harsh and unnecessary?

[nephartiti]

I just re-read my last post. I am the queen of typos. LOL. Sorry

[mkultra]

I stopped one well meaning friend by just saying, "I would take him back in a heart beat. I just want my husband back home healthy with his family." That shuts people up big time. The caveat is "healthy" which implies that MLC keeps the WAS from making good decisions so LBS has to wait iy out diligently, right?

Is she married to your brother?

There are more people out there who take back WAS than let on.

There is one woman on the View who just spoke up about taking back her Christian husband who impregnated the OW. She said she kicked him out because his infidelity was ruining her career as a stand up comediene in the Christian world. But she loves him and wants to work things out. She wants to forgive him. They have a kid too, I think? And she said this on TV in front of millions of fans!

You could say that to one lady. "We want to work things out, at least I do."

[nephartiti]

Thanks, MK. You are so good at messaging. "I want my H back home healthy with his family."

I have told her repeatedly "This is my marriage and my family. If he wants to make the effort to make things better, then I will definitely not turn him away. I owe it to my children to make things work with their father. Plus I love him." She literally has yelled at me and threatened to never go to a family function if he is there. I know I want my marriage and husband. My weakness is when she starts speculating on what his intentions are and what he's been doing. I tell her as little as possible now.

Yes, she is married to my brother. Her previous R of 8 years was with an abusive man who almost killed her. She is a bit of a man hater. She means well, I think. She's just sure she has my H pegged, and I have battered W syndrome and don't know what's best for me. So she's going to beat it into me.

[SallyM]

wow, how dare she try to strong arm you. sorry, but that isn't her place. that just really bugs me for some reason. lol about her beating what's best for you into you. although I shouldn't laugh about that, somehow the way you put that made me smile.

your H wasn't abusive was he? if so, could she be right?

[mkultra]

OMG a manhater. Ugh. Wait a minute, nut she is married to your brother. Quick, get her a copy of Light Your Fire before she loses your brother!!! Separation, like pregnancy, is contagious!

My H has been hanging out with a self title mysoginist. This friend admitted while he was couch surfing in my home that he was on medication to keep him from killing his wife and the OM.