Now I've done it.... again #4?

[nephartiti]

OK, everyone sit down because this is a doosey.

H started calling in the early evening. I answered and he started to scold me for my behavior when I was spying on him at the school. I listened briefly, then said something like, "I'm sorry I exposed your affair. I'm sorry you are uncomfortable. You must have felt very empty to compromise your integrity. I don't like the way you are speaking to me right now. Good bye." I said it all very even. Well, he didn't like that and kept calling. Finally, I took the phone off the hook.

Then he showed up and started calling again from the parking lot. I had family over, so this was all very dramatic. We were arguing on the phone for a while. I am very hot-headed (goes without saying) and I admit I was spewing a little. I don't know what's gotten into him, but he didn't throw it back at me the way he usually does. He started being honest and forthcoming. I almost fell out of my chair.

Finally I went outside. We did some serious talking. He said he was trying to get an apartment. He admitted his EA with the phone calls from June. He said that was a "friendship" but it "fizzled" out and she doesn't want to talk to him anymore. He said that he realizes how it damaged our relationship and family. He said he would do a lot of things differently if he could. He basically said that, as things got harder and harder at home, he felt more and more comfortable to "confide" in her. The time he spent "confiding" made things harder and harder at home. Vicious cycle, right?

Anyway, he says that's completely over. Of course I have no proof. He claims the woman I saw him with was just a co-worker that happened to be leaving at the same time that day. I don't know if this is true, honestly. He claims he's been working on his certification work at school everyday. There are still some fishy things, but I guess I could give the benifit of the doubt.

I had to take responsibility for my rage and angry outbursts. They have definitely put a wedge between us. He said he has wanted to come home,but he is hesitant. He is not sure it is safe because I am explosive. This is true. I have always had a bit of a temper, but this has brought out the worst. These days, I really have a hard time controlling myself sometimes.

We went out to dinner with the kids. It was nice. He mentioned that he got my link re: retro and still wants to go in November He also told me how he's spent several nights in the van in various parking lots. He's slept at the park. He uses baby wipes when he can't shower. Sometimes he uses a water bottle if there is no restroom? It made me realize that he must really be afraid to come home, if this lifestyle feels safer than facing my anger. I had to give a sincere apology and validate this.

Then we came home and talked a little more in the car. We were kind of just looking at eachother like idiots. Then he reached out his hand as if to shake hands. Well, I was willing to take whatever was offered, but he just held my hand. Geeez I feel like a teenager. Then I leaned over to hug him. One thing led to another...

We came inside, put the kids to bed and ML. This is what is important to me. It took a long time to get the kids to sleep. They just wouldn't cooperate. We were all laying in our giant family bed. We read stories and cuddled. It was so nice. H kept trying to cuddle with me too. He put his arm around me, held my hand, kissed my hand (that part's my favorite). Plus, there was lots of kissing when we ML. That is very important to me, especially since that was a big issue before he left.

No one said ILY. I wasn't going to push too far, but we both said we missed eachother. Actually, he told me he's missed me so much. Then he ASKED if I missed him. I can't believe he had to ask.

Anyway, we were cuddling after, but I felt he was pulling away. I aked if he was ok. He said he was thinking. Asked if he had regrets. He said he didn't but was worried we were skipping a step. There is a lot we have to deal with before he can move back in. I told him I agreed. He started telling me how he was supposed to go see his sister tonight. I told him that I will understand if he feels he needs to go. He asked if that would be ok, that this was reallly nice, but he wants to be sure we do things right. I told him I want him to stay, but I do understand what he is saying and will respect his need for space. He said he knows everything is going to be ok. I told him that means a lot.

He got dressed. Then he came to kiss me goodbye. He said we have a little bit of work ahead of us. I said "A lot, but that's ok. We have a lifetime to do it." I hope that wasn't saying too much. He just kind of laughed. I told him he can come back whenever he wants. He said thank you. Then he told me to have a good night. I told him to be careful, and he left.

I am so proud of myself that I did not get all clingy after we ML and try to convince him to stay. My imagination is so dangerous. This is where I have to have faith. I know I probably won't hear from him for a few days. I have to be ok with this. He committed to Retrouvaille again, so I am taking his word for it. I am going to sign us up. The apartment he is looking at is month to month. No lease is good.

I have to get my anger under control! I can NOT explode on him anymore. So brace yourselves. It is going to have to come out somewhere. I know the road ahead is not going to be easy. Thank God I have this place.