azhira:
Quote:
No snooping!! \:\)

You're right, of course. Back when I was still welcome in her house, I set up a new laptop for her--including configuring her email accounts. So, what with my "obsessive" reactions to learning about her dating plans, well... I couldn't stop myself from looking at her email, Inbox and Sent messages.

I know that was wrong on so many levels! But for most of our 19 years together, I never would have imagined that either of us would ever keep secrets from the other. I have never hidden a thing from her. To this day, she is welcome to read anything I have ever written anywhere to anybody.

But I learned a painful lesson. I wish I had not given in to the temptation to "snoop", since what I found only crushed me, and did nothing to help me talk my X out of her plans.

Quote:

BTW, detaching doesn't mean you won't still have feelings. It means you won't let them run away with you, and influence you to do stupid things.

I finally looked at most of the information on the Detachment website that Fender referred me to. It was uncomfortable but enlightening to learn that some of the troubles in my marriage were due to irrational beliefs that I have held onto for too long.

By the way, after re-reading my responses to Fender's advice, I recognize some of my defensiveness that you mentioned. I realize that he probably was telling me things that I needed to hear. But I still can't accept being told that I need to put my XW behind me in order to "move forward" with my life--at least not yet. I may come to that conclusion at some point, but it's way premature for me to give up when I'm only just now learning about the contributions I made to the sabotage of my M. If only I had known what I was doing wrong early enough to avoid my XW walking out! It sucks to learn all this useful information only to find out that it may be "too little, too late".

Quote:

Respect her decisions as a single woman.

Wow, that's going to be hard for me to do. I have to first come to terms with the cold, hard reality that she is single now. That acknowledgment still gives me the cold sweats. I never allowed myself to consider the possibility that my wife would ever be single again--because that would mean facing another uncomfortable fact: now I'm single again too. [I describe my status as "unhappily unmarried".]

Quote:
I hate to say it, but you sound like you don't think she can take care of herself. And, again, it's not your job to protect her. Personally, I wouldn't want to be with a guy who didn't trust me to make my own decisions.

I never even thought about my concerns for her safety and well-being as being "controlling". Maybe that is what I was doing. I know I have no right or authority anymore to even offer my opinions to my XW on this (or any other) subject. Yet, I would have the exact same concerns if it were my daughter who was about to start online dating. (There's probably a lesson there for me somewhere: something about establishing emotional boundaries as part of the detachment process.)

Quote:

Having said all that...you need to be focusing more on yourself. Exercise is a great PMA booster. So is GAL. Do you have anything fun planned for the weekend?

You're right again. I haven't been getting enough sleep, eating right, or exercising. A two-mile run would probably help burn off some nervous energy.

Thanks, azhira. You have been very kind with your sincere but measured advice. I appreciate your supportive comments. Heck, I appreciate everyone who has posted responses. I have already learned a lot. Still, such a long road ahead...