What a good year this has been.....

[forever21]

Thought I'd share the following....

I've been thinking an awful lot about D lately. Really leaning that direction. I've yet to talk to an attorney, but I realize I've been focusing on that a lot as a solution. And it just may be the solution for me.

I'm still letting H's actions get to me too much. I'm finding it hard to just move on living my life while my M is in limbo. I'm hard on myself about this, as I know better. I know my focus needs to be on ME, not the M. It's all so much easier said than done. At the same time, limbo is not the answer in my sitch either.

So, I let H get to me again. But I feel better now. It was not a new situation. The same crap. I knew better, but I seemed to need to let H know that I know better in order to feel better. Needed to stand up for myself I guess. So, here's what happened and what I chose to do.....

Yesterday, he was supposed to call me and didn't. No surprise, but it still bothers me even though I'm prepared for it. Keep in mind that I'd told him (a week ago) I have a decision to make and that it'd make things easier on me if we did talk again this week, though I didn't "need" him to. I try to avoid being in the position of expecting a call from him, but I've yet to find a way to do that all the time. When he texted me the night before and said that he was going to call me the next day, maybe I should've said "let me call you." I've never came up with a good solution for this before. I don't ask for him to call me, he just puts it out there..... and many more times than not, he fails to follow through. I find myself irritated, ticked off, hurt, etc, that his talk is cheap. I know it's my job to teach him how I will be treated. At this point, I'm not finding any other way around this other than to D him. Okay, sorry for venting. Also, earlier this week, he'd promised a "drama free" convo. You'll see why I mention this. So....

Today, I texted him to ask if he was going to be in town this weekend. I didn't tell him why I was asking, but it was because there is insurance paperwork here that he needs to fill out and turn in. He came back crazy defensive, but I did good and remained cool. I told him I had paperwork here for him to pick up. He immediately called me and wanted to know what ppw I was talking about. LOL. After I told him, he said that he thought I had D papers for him. I told him "not yet." Told him we needed to set up a time for him to pick up that ppw, and he wanted to just call me tomorrow. No. That's not acceptable. I cannot wait for his call, needed to set up a time. Well, it wasn't looking like that would go anywhere so I said I had to go... had another call fortunately. I sent a text letting him know that it wasn't going to work to set up a time, and I'll drop the ppw by his bro's for him. I also told him to take good care of himself, and that he really does matter.(Straight from our own inspiredjulie.)

I was still feeling really bugged and hurting. I decided to text the following to him, along with the text he'd sent me earlier (I forwarded it back to him).... "I think its sad u try this crap all because u r struggling to do as u say. I'm extremely forgiving & understanding. I know ur more of a man than this. This doesn't fool me & i don't think it fools the man in the mirror either. Love u. Fwd: What? U dont even know so whatever. Yeah really drama free. Whatever"

I am pretty sure he was just feeling guilty for being out of town. See, on Thursday he texted me (totally unsolicited) with an explanation for why he was in this town where he'd been living with OW this last year... saying he didn't want me to jump to conclusions. I knew right away that he must've used his debit card there and needed to cover his @SS. I didn't respond for the longest time, till I came up with "That was thoughtful of you...." He'd came back with "Ur welcome...." He didn't get any drama from me then, nor did he when I didn't get a phone call like he promised... but that's what he seems to be trying for, so that he can divert.

Anywho... so, after he gets my last text (where I forwarded his back to him) he calls me. This time I don't answer. He left a voicemail trying to act clueless, and suggesting that *I* just see him as "shady". He acts like he doesn't understand where I'm coming from. A lame attempt, IMO, at trying to continue with the blaming. I do wonder if he believes his own lies even. It is so sad.

I felt so much better having sent that text to him. Life goes on.