Forget trying to fix H. Stop trying to make him see things your way. H is not a man, he is a boy with a pretty weak, malleable identity. He doesn't know what he wants because he doesn't have much of a self.
I totally agree with OT on this. And forget all that "I never really loved you" garbage - it's right out of the manual. It's what he tells himself now to justify the fact that he wants to screw around.
Get out somewhere this weekend, for sure - you want sun, how about Vegas???
As for the legal stuff - get good advice. Don't trust H on anything - even if his intentions are good, he's likely to screw up payments and the like in his fog, so get everything ironclad if you can. The sooner you get the house valued, the better, as values are dropping and you want the maximum amount of payout. DO NOT feel guilty about getting YOUR FAIR HALF of everything. Marriage is a partnership. He did more sweat equity on the house??? Well, I'm betting you did more LAUNDRY equity on the house!!!
As for the rest - let him go, Nikki. He's never going to get his act together until he actually loses you - and maybe not even then. He's NOT a grown up man, and you are a very grown-up mature woman. Stick to the high road, keep your chin up, conduct yourself with class and dignity. This is NOT about you, this is about HIS inadequacies.
I know this hurts right now, but I'm thinking a few years from now, you will be one of those DBers with a new and much much better spouse; meanwhile he will be one of those sad guys who finally figures out what he lost in you but it's too late.
Sorry your H is being a moldy piece of d!ckcheese, but that's completely out of your control. I agree with everyone else encouraging you to get away to spend some time figuring out what YOU want. Get yourself clear, then take action.
As far as the house, etc.: there's no "screwing" anyone over in CA. Marital assets are split 50/50, and you keep anything that was yours prior to getting married. If you bought the house before getting married, it's yours. If you bought it after you were married, you'll have to sell or buy the other person out. Retirement, savings, etc. are split 50/50. His cars and big boy toys? Half of anything he got during the marriage is yours.
He may not like it, but that's the law in CA.
Do you have a second bedroom to move into? Go there. Create your own, sacred space away from him. Turn that room into an oasis, then do your best to get busy and let him do his thing. He wants a separation? He can move. He can file for D, and you guys can sell...or you can file for D and then sell. Soon enough he'll have to deal with the reality instead of this fuzzy purple world where he gets his way and you just disappear.
Stand in your power, Nikki. He can only hurt you and drive you out if you allow it.
How far away from Mendocino are you? I recommend http://howardcreekranch.com/ . A little pricey, but an incredibly comforting retreat. Really laid back...restorative.
Take care of you, and screw the f*cktard.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Thanks all. I pulled myself together this afternoon. Talked to my dad for awhile. He's able to listen to me vent without hating H (hates how I'm getting treated and that I'm in the sitch, but doesn't hate H). His heart tests today came back as more positive so that's good, but he still has to go to another specialist on Monday and has been told to call 911 at the first sign of ANYTHING in his chest. It's scary.
Redheadwife Yeah, MLC is looking more and more like where I 'belong' now. I used to be terrified of that forum, now I see I was right to be. (said tongue in cheek..). Yeah I think he's full of crap on the whole passive thing too.
As to the texting.. I have snooped enough to know that there is an EA going on (a second one, he had one going with someone else last year, still has that one going on too from what I can tell). I don't think (even based on some of the texts) that it's gone to PA. I'm done snooping now, but did it to get some clarity on what is or may be going on. I know, that's an excuse.. but I do think in that situation it was ok.. I'm not obsessing over what I found or doing it again or anything. More like fact gathering.
Saffie Thanks.. I think you're right. I also think a separation is what we need - and I recognize it has to be me to go this time. It just does, for a bunch of different reasons. The fear of that is rapidly fading for me. I understand the reality of it will not be fun whatsoever... but the fear is fading.
Oldtimer Thanks for that link! I need to find out if I can take my dog to any of those, or if not I will need to briefly talk with H to make sure he'll be here to take care of her... I know she's "just" a dog but she's been my only 'kid' for 10 years now, so she's very important to me.
I packed a bag and put it in my car. Friend is driving tonight so I won't have my car with me, but it's packed so that I can easily get in and go somewhere else once we get home. This is also good because I can see if H is home (for the dog) without having to call - just see if his truck's here and if so I can send a text that I'll be gone for the night. Please send all your courage my way for making myself go somewhere else - it's going to be hard, working on the strength now though.
Ellie Thank you. I know what you're saying is true but it's soooo hard to get that "never loved you" crap out of my head. Working on it though.
Vegas might be kinda far, was thinking more of a road trip (and that's about 11 hours for me), but thank you for the suggestion! Flights there are cheap and I'd go but don't want to be that far away in case something happens w/my dad.
haha thank you for the laugh on the laundry equity.. and dishes.. and cleaning... and cooking.. and the list goes on. I did all those things almost exclusively.
I have a referral to a good lawyer, just need to see if they are covered under my prepaid plan. The lady I talked to there was really great and said she'll do everything she can to get him added to their plan. I have an advantage because there's currently no one listed who handles sep/D stuff and my contract says that in that case they have to pay someone who's not on the plan - so I'm hoping. The legal stuff he's throwing at me isn't from a lawyer at all, I know that much. It's all based in guilt (sometimes his, sometimes trying to make me feel guilty and cave). He knows enough of the actual law to be very afraid.
Yeah house values are dropping like crazy. It's down $20,000 since the first time he left - and $10k of that is in the last 30 days! It's nuts. I need to ask the L about that - the brief phone consult I got the guy told me it would be based on the day one spouse moved out. So something that I got today might not be "valid" - I'd have to wait until right before one of us moves. Not sure how that works.
And thank you.. I agree, it's time to let go.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Sorry had to run quickly... H got home earlier than expected - didn't think I'd have to see him tonight.
SD thank you also - I will need to read and digest your post in a bit but wanted to at least thank you for posting quickly!
Thanks for the Mendocino recommendation too, I will check it out! That's pretty close to me I think - 4-5 hours maybe? Actually that reminded me there's this "safari B&B" I've been wanting to check out. Might be too pricey but I will take a look at both of those and see what might work.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
OK back.. and thanks again to all who are reading, posting, or sending good thoughts!
I confess I'm not at a hotel or friend's because I had way too much fun and one too many glasses of wine... but H also wasn't home when I got here so I'd probably have stayed anyway to take care of the dog.
I thought I'd be gone before he got home but it almost seemed like he rushed home from work... ugh. Said he was worried I wouldn't be OK. He looked surprised I was dressed up to go out "after all that" (heck me too after 6 hours of crying in my PJs but I made it work!). Gave me two really long lingering hugs, complimented my outfit... meanwhile my friend called and I said "Cool meet you outside!" and stood out there for 20 minutes just to avoid being in the house. So weird.
The band was fun but the place was a total meat market so we )friend and I) ended up leaving earlier than planned because we were tired of all the 'lines.'
He isn't home now so apparently found something else to do... was pouting when I left, but guess that wore off. Sick of all this.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Well, keep it up!! Let him see you will be just fine w/o him. He's NOT your lifeline. If he is having MLC, as we all know, they last for quite awhile and who knows where in the process he is at this point.
I would say a HUGE MUST is to keep up the "looking good/acting/feeling good" and DO NOT act like you even care that he is trying to be sympathetic or friendly w/ you. Act like you could care less!!!!
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Donna - I'll call you if I need to, promise. Thanks for the offer too.
I'm still home - doing MUCH better today though. Planning my road trip for this week sometime. I found some neat stuff to go see that should be fun and relaxing. I'm thinking Napa and Calistoga - use my gift certificate for a spa treatment in Calistoga... then possibly a safari tour at a wildlife park there, a walk through the petrified forest, maybe a visit to the geyser. And of course a little wine tasting, enjoying the gorgeous picnic areas. Depending on timing I may head from there over to the coast and up to Mendocino. Will just depend on time and funds. Feels good to have a plan.
I'm having trouble deciding when to go.. part of me thinks I need to get outta here ASAP to think, another part thinks I should wait until Weds. Only because I have some friends doing a pumpkin patch / carving party tomorrow (I'm a "Maybe" on going to that though)... and I have my bellydance class on Tuesday night. So I'm tempted to wait and go later in the week.
Things are relatively un-tense with H. I realized today that really, nothing's changed. He just finally TOLD me what he was feeling so I could stop guessing. I guess that made it feel less like a "crisis" or another bomb even though it hurt.
SD - unfortunately we're pretty limited on bedroom space, but I'm trying to figure out if I can convert one room to a bedroom somehow. It would be tiny but it may be doable. Our house just has a really weird layout right now. We did some remodeling and planned to do more, so it's not set up in a way that makes a ton of sense (turned existing bedrooms into other things, and now there's really only one bedroom and a very cramped office, the rest of the house is really open.. we planned to add a master bedroom this year, but obviously that's on hold). Will keep thinking it through though.
I honestly don't think H WILL take any action, he'll just keep getting away with whatever he wants while treating me poorly.. so I feel like my choices are stay here and live with it, or get out. I need to think on it more though - will do that on my road trip, for sure.
You're right that the law's pretty straightforward here. Of course, he feels that going with what the law says means he'll "be screwed financially." I keep reminding myself that it's business and not to take it personally.
None of it's come up again anyway. It's like we're friendly roommates again. Polite, courteous, but not married. Still sharing a bed just since it's the only one here, but we're sleeping really far apart. The dog loves it, she's got a huge area between us to stretch out in now.. (hey gotta find humor in this somewhere right?).
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
If it were me I would go Wednesday after you do all of th other things. Heck more GAL than I get to do lately. But im'e working on it.
It sounds to me like it was just another bomb also. I think i would make the office into a bedroom too. why should you leave it's just as much yours as his home. But i have to say I think it would be easier to go dark and LRT while not in the same house as i can say from my experience that it's been hard to go dark because H always is asking whats going on and i think i owe him the courtesy of telling him at least that im'e going somewhere however vague i am. If im'e quiet he asks why.
You need to live for you and maybe h'ell find his way back.
Im'e thinking of you daily.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
The band was fun but the place was a total meat market so we )friend and I) ended up leaving earlier than planned because we were tired of all the 'lines.'
Nikki,
Sorry to drop in, (you have a looooong thread by the way took me a long time to find the begining.)
Quick question if you don't mind. what is the name of this place you went?
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
(said tongue in cheek..). Yeah I think he's full of crap on the whole passive thing too.