Sandi2, thanks for the encouragement. Today had started out ok, but as the day went on, i started to lose my cool and began to feel really down. The deadbolt lock on the back door broke last nite, so I couldnt lock the door and wound up taking the whole handle apart so i could as least get the door locked for the nite. Spent most of my sat morning trying to get a new handle set for the door, at the store all of them said that they were guaranteed to fit and that they could be installed with just a screw driver. Yeah right! Got home with one and found that the new handle did not fit and i had to take it back. I spent a great deal of time driving around to different hardware stores and finally found a replacement deadbolt and it works like a charm! Only spent $5 instead of $115 for the whole handleset. Anyway it took me almost 5 hours to finally get it fixed. My S stayed overnite last nite with some friends, and didnt come home until after 2 this afternoon. D came with her boyfriend, but they went up to Gettysburg to ride bikes in the battlefield. Unfortunately, my S and D are at the age where they still dont want to hang out with the parents, friends are most important,and that made me feel very lonely this afternoon. I got in the car and went for a drive, and spent the whole time having a pity party for myself. Finally my D called and wanted to go for dinner, so my S, D and her boyfriend and I went for dinner at a nice place that also has lots of tv's, so we could eat and watch college football. Had a nice time. Sitting here now thinking about how lonely I am. Wow, I am 48 years old just realized that I dont have any "real" friends. Sure I know alot of people, I have clients that I consider friends, but no one that I can really rely on, someone who I can wear my heart out on. I do have the pastor that married us, but he lives over an hour away and we just email once a week. I've spent 24+ years with my W, 22 M, and 20 years with kids, and it is now hitting me that I may be by myself sooner than I care to. Does my W realize what this D is going to do to all of us? I doubt it. She is so far into her funk that it may take a long time to straighten out. Sorry to be having a pity party on your thread. Just have to get control of my self and move on. Things were so positive up until my W said that she was going away for the weekend. I have to wonder if the prednisone that she was on was giving her a high and now b/c she has been off it for a few days, she is going to revert back to her old ways. Well, enough rambling, got to find something to do sunday. Maybe I'll drive to Gettysburg and walk the battlefield. I am a bit of a civil war buff. Thanks for allowing me to vent.
Scotty, whether or not your marriage survives, YOU need friends, activities and interests of your own. An hour isn't all that far away... can you and your pastor friend meet halfway for lunch once or twice a month? In this day of packed schedules when even three-year olds need "play dates," a social life doesn't happen unless you make it happen. How about if you and your pastor friend start a Guys Lunch Group, and each of you bring someone to this halfway lunch? Invite a couple of people over to watch some of the football games. Join a book club.
All marriages end one way or another. After my husband died, if I hadn't had friends to help me through I would have lost my mind. I belong to one group of eight women who just get together for dinner once a month. I also belong to a breakfast group of four who have breakfast once a month. AND I belong to a book club of 13 that meets once a month. That may sound like a lot, but really it's just TWO EVENINGS and ONE BREAKFAST a month that I'm committed to. I see some of these people in between times, but mostly if I really feel lonely, there's a whole pool of people to call/email and suggest getting together.
You probably don't feel like dealing with this now, what with the uncertainty of your M, but now is the ideal time. Most people today (and certainly most men) have a hard time socializing. The days of Fred and Ethel Mertz who live downstairs are long gone. You have to plan and execute a social life.
Think about it... I'd be interested in hearing what you think is possible (on your own thread, of course :rolleyes: )
ETA: How about locating a couple of other Civil War buffs and systematically visiting the battlefields together? I'm sure there are lots of people with this interest in your area. Ask at the local library!
Thinking about you tonight....well...it's AM now, actually, can't sleep so thought I would come catch up on some more reading posts. I hope I did not discourage you too much by telling you what i did about the prednisone. But, I was afraid by the way you were sounding so excited that you were setting yourself up for a big let down if I didn't try to inform you of my experience with it. I hope it's not all the medication and that she truly is changing her mind about the M. I didn't mean to take away any hope at all for you. Now I feel badly b/c you are having such a bad time of it. Maybe when she gets home you will be able to tell more. How long is she going to be on this medication?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hey Lillieperl and Sandi, thanks for the shoulder to lean on. You know how minds wander, and of course I have been trying to keep positive through this whole thing, but unfortunately the bad overtook the good and I started to think about the negative stuff. Lots of positive things have happened over the last few weeks, so I cant imagine that this is all done now that my W has gone away for the weekend. Sandi, she ran out of prednisone on Wednesday i believe and is still taking her ultram and lyrica, but i think she needs to call the doc on monday to renew scripts. Am going to a fall fest today after church with my D and boyfriend, and hopefully my S, as he is not usually into that stuff. Going to make a day of it and then come home tonite to see if W is andy different. I will post some more on my thread later. Feel bad to talk about all my stuff on your thread Sandi. All you guys are good friends, and I thank you for helping me deal with this.
Thanks for checking up. Things are ok. I have the girls this weekend and I'm sure XW is with OM. It really hurts to think about it, but I'm doing a little better each day. Sleeping much better, which really helps. Still no contact with XW. I wish I knew what was going through her mind. Is there any guilt? Do they think about their ex-spouses at all? I know this isn't the sort of thing to think about when you're trying to detach. Just a lot of questions running through my mind. It's really hard to think of them having sex. I know there's still a lot of anger directed at me. Don't know who is still willing to listen to it.
Went to see "Michael Clayton" last night with a friend. Great show! Clooney is outstanding. I'm also thinking about going to a church retreat this weekend. I've heard that it is a good thing toward helping healing. Still working on my fixer-upper house. Thanks again Sandi. I know you're helping me more than I'm helping you. I appreciate it. Hope you're doing well.
" Is there any guilt? Do they think about their ex-spouses at all? I know this isn't the sort of thing to think about when you're trying to detach. Just a lot of questions running through my mind. It's really hard to think of them having sex. I know there's still a lot of anger directed at me. Don't know who is still willing to listen to it."
I think I can answer this for you as I asked this of my H...No he didn't have guilt because he had justified everything...No he didn't think about me or the kids because that would have stood in the way of all of his "fun"....
Your right that thinking about such things doesn't help you detach...or atleast not in the way that is best for you...this is painful detaching...
Also...thinking about them having sex is really damaging for several reasons...but one I can attest to...sometimes WE make it more glorious in our minds then the reality of it all...I had images of hot-monkey-love-making with my H and OW when in reality it was very limited when he was with her...actually out of the time they were "together" and he visited her they only had sex TWICE!!!...granted he admitted they were long sessions but considering the amount of time he actually spent there it was not much (we had more sex when we went away on weekends without the kids then they did with their little trists!)...So don't gorify it more then it is...
I also notice that you are referring to her as XW...I think it is time for you to let go...this doesn't mean forget...or that it is all over (I work with someone who is getting back with XH after 12 years!)...but it is time to stop ALLOWING your mind to dwell on her....I know it is hard but if you make it your focus to NOT THINK about her and her life YOU WILL BE BETTER OFF!!!
It looks like my thread may lock up soon from the amount of pages on it. I have not heard from some of my old friends and I was reading back over some old posts at the beginning of this thread. I sure hope I have not offended anyone. I see where I had some bad days and was very depressed. Hope you can over-look me when I am like that. I don't know what to do about the AD med that my stomach could not tollerate. I was told at the pharmacy not to take anymore of it if it had that effect b/c it could be bleeding inside my stomach. So, I'm back to square one.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi Sandi, am sorry to hear about your med problems. Hope everything gets straightened out for you. My W came home about 6ish last nite, while my S was leaving to go back to school. She tried to make small talk with me, I just basically looked at her and tried to listen. I could tell she was half upset at me b/c I wasnt paying much attention to her, but I wasnt in a mood to listen anyway. Talked about our appts with the same orthopedist this friday, and a few other things. She didnt talk about her weekend, other than to show me a purse she had bought my D for her birthday next month. I would think that if she had a great weekend, she would have made that known to me, dont you think? I have been talking to a work friend who has been going through this for the last 9 months, although they are in counseling b/c each wants their M to work. He also thought that if the weekend was great for my W, she would have made sure I knew about it just so she could feel better. So here I am at lunch today just writing my thoughts. My W knew about what i did for the w/e b/c she talked to my D before she came home. My D and b/f and I had a good time at the fall fest we went to yesterday, and really enjoyed ourselves. Made a point to go back next year. Dont know what tonite will bring with the W, but I will continue to listen and be nice and kill her with kindness. I did notice last nite that the doc gave her a new script on friday, cant remember the name. I think now that with everything that is going on with work and the R, she doesnt know how to handle her life. Interesting to see what comes of the appt with othorpedist on friday. Mine I am sure will just maybe nerve damage or muscle damage, but my W has a bulging disc, and may need surgery. One day at a time. Patience, patience, patience. Need to get back to work. Thanks for listening.
