Is it time to cut him off?

[NikB]

True - change is definitely scary. I'd just try to focus on the positive aspects a lot more, if you go that route. The more you tell yourself how scary it is, the scarier it becomes.. you know?

I don't really consider it a test, per se. I think that recognizing a hard truth can feel like rejection. And if he says "Yeah, you oughtta buy a house because I don't see us working out and I want to move back into this house"-that would feel like rejection and I am not sure how it wouldn't.

I see your point, definitely, about the rejection. Reading this part of it really sounds even more like you're testing him, pressuring him to make a decision before he's ready. That's a big "if" you posted there.

It looks to me that your goal is to hear his response, more than your goal being to let him know as an FYI that you're buying a house.

You know not to say "I know the 3 months aren't up yet but I can't handle the limbo and I want a decision, choose me or don't" - so instead you're saying "I know the 3 months aren't up yet but I can't handle the limbo and I want a decision - choose me by telling me not to buy a house, or reject me by telling me I should."

Does that make sense??

I could be wrong but I hope you'll really think that through.

On what you planned to say to him, I hope you don't mind if I pick this apart a bit... take it or leave it but this is my reaction, trying to view it from the WAS perspective. Also, I wouldn't recommend addressing it at all unless/until you have found a house and are pretty much committed to buying it. Otherwise it looks like manipulation and like a "test" to get his reaction.

I do not want a divorce at this point and ultimately would hope that we would reconcile.

This to me just reinforces "I'm making this move for me but don't worry, I'll still be right here waiting and hoping you choose me." I'd strongly urge you to always make it clear that the decision to reconcile or not belongs to BOTH of you. Remember, you're dating, you're evaluating him as long term R material.. not hanging around hoping he picks you.

I can't continue to live in the house and you are unhappy in the apartment. I get that.

Unless you say this RIGHT after he says he's unhappy in the apartment, which would be validating his feelings, this is telling him how he feels (and leads into how you're going to fix it for him). On top of that you're telling him where he'll be living. I hope you realize that is a totally separate decision from your decision to buy a house and move out. Where he lives is HIS decision to make.

You know I hate moving and that moving my businesses causes big down time. So, I am opting to buy a house.

Guilt, guilt, guilt... the only thing that matters is the fact that you are buying a house, not all the reasons behind it and implications that he's "making" you do this.

If we reconcile, then I am sure you will happily help me move back in and we can decide what to do with the house I buy.

Wow, where to start... you're predicting the future, putting pressure on him to reconcile, telling him how he will feel ("happily").

And if not, then I have already started to build my life and won't be forced into another move.

He does not want to be responsible for your well-being at the moment. He wants YOU to step up and do that. "forced into another move" = more guilt, more making him responsible for how you feel.

Obviously it has to be in your own words but I think you need to take a hard look at it and take out the mind-reading, the forecasting the future, the trying to "fix" him and the sitch, and all the guilt. I also think you need to acknowledge that it's a change to your initial agreement. Maybe something closer to this?

H I know that we initially agreed to these living arrangements for 3 months, but I have found that it's too painful for me to remain in this house. I do not want a divorce at this point and may still be open to reconciling in the future, but wanted you to know that I've decided to buy a house. I plan to live there for now, and possibly make it a rental property in the future. We'll need to discuss what to do with this house [current home] once I move out."

.. at which point you could talk about the various options for the current house, or leave it that you'll think about it for a specific amount of time and then meet again to figure out the logistics (i.e. suggest that you both think about it for a week and then decide what to do).

That makes it clear why you're changing the agreement without all the guilt-associated reasons for buying vs. renting, and by mentioning the rental property in the future you make it clear that there are other options for the house should you no longer live there. And notice that I was careful to say "I may make it a rental property" - not "and if we reconcile we can make it a rental property." Keep any "we" or "if we reconcile" talk out of it. It says loud and clear that you have options in mind if you reconcile, without the extra pressure. It's also much clearer that you may make it a rental property on your own - in your new life, that may or may not include H.

Make sense?

Also keep in mind that where H lives is HIS CHOICE and he will likely resent any attempt by you to control that. You are assuming he'll move back in and you're likely right, but he may not. He may want to move back, he may want to put the house up for sale and start fresh, who knows. If neither of you wants to live there can you afford the mortgage, his rent, and your rent or mortgage, while the current house sits vacant? If not, you may have to sell it or rent it out... lots of "ifs" and they can drive you nuts but make sure you're REALLY thinking this through before you go this route.

Hopefully others will have feedback for you too on what to say, but I think the very first question is whether it's really what you want or it's just a different approach to demanding that your H makes a decision.